Step By Step
Wow, I can't believe it's only been about two months since I last wrote. I feel like so much has happened since then that it had to have been way longer, but apparently not. Let's see if I can remember everything to keep you all updated... if not, I'll make sure to hit the important stuff at least. Let's just say July 2011 has been one of the best months of my life.
Larger Than Life
First things first, on June 29th a very special baby girl was born. As she is a minor, I will be keeping all of her details as well as the details of her family a secret. One may wonder why I bring her up if I'm not going to mention specifics. My response is the fact that she is my Goddaughter. Yes, that's right, I officially have an important role in a child's life. I know, I know, I don't know what her parents were thinking either (kidding!). I'm so excited though. I can't even describe what an honor it is for me. It's such an unbelievable feeling and the day her parents asked me was one of the only days I've felt truly blessed. Over a month later, I still am beaming when I think about it. This may be one of the first and only times I've ever understood what people mean when they say, "It's different with your own children." Obviously this is not my child, but I definitely feel a sense of pride and maternal protection towards her now. I suppose I felt that with her older brother a bit, too - but this time around it's different. I don't know how to describe it. It's such a gift.
Shape Of My Heart
On July 7th I celebrated my 7 year anniversary of my open heart surgery. I can't believe it's been 7 years. I have changed so much and yet have not changed at all... I suppose the day that I woke up from my heart surgery with the opportunity for a better life was another day I felt truly blessed. Perhaps recognizing these things is why I feel like July 2011 was one of the best months of my life. So, I have grown up a bit, but I still have a ways to go, but I feel like I'm slowly getting there. It's nice to have such an important anniversary to remember. (I have a few of those - including the day I left for New Zealand and the day I came back home.) I know, we all of New Year's and our birthdays, but it's the anniversary's that we make in life that truly make us who we are, and even at this age - I have some great ones... and I was lucky enough to spend my 7th heart surgery anniversary with my Goddaughter and her family. Another great memory made. Thank you.
Don't Turn Out The Lights
A week after my heart surgery anniversary, a week after realizing how grown up I was getting, a week after spending a couple of days taking care of a two-year-old and a newborn - I was able to revert back to my 15/16 yr. old self for a 24 hours. It was amazing! First, on July 14th, at 9:30 p.m. I left my house to go to the Mall of America to stand in line for over two hours waiting for the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (in 3D) Premiere. It was awesome. I went by myself, but met a couple of funny high school girls who I chatted with until about 11:30 p.m. Then into the theater I went and spent the next three hours wrapped up with Harry and the gang. It was awesome. I didn't get home until about 3:00 a.m. I then slept until noon on July 15th and started getting ready for the NKOTBSB concert. For those of you who have been living under a rock - that is the New Kids on the Block AND the Backstreet Boys on the SAME stage for ONE night. Though I was never a New Kids fan as a youngster (they were a little bit before my time) everyone who knows anything about me knows that the Backstreet Boys were pretty much my Gods since age 11. That group of guys have gotten me through so many things - and I still find myself listening to them whenever I'm having a bad day. So, me and my 65 yr. old father left for the concert around 4:00 p.m., took the Metro Light Rail into Minneapolis, had supper at Hubert's (a bar and grill in the Target Center), and had an amazing time watching Midnight Red, Matthew Morrison, NKOTB, and the Backtreet Boys perform. I could go on and on with how amazing it was, but I won't bore you with the details. I will say that even my 65 yr. old father talked about that concert for days. Period.
Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)
So, we've talked about the Kids, we've talked about the Boys... onto the Love and the Heartbreak.
Nearing the end of July, I started realizing that... I'm falling in love. But wait, before you start getting all excited that I'm in a relationship, I'm not. Once again, I've fallen for someone who does not feel the same way about me. However, you can't help who you fall for, right? Being that this is only the second time I've fallen in love, it's scary and miserable and fantastic and absolutely exhilarating and I've learned that it doesn't have to be a mutual love to make you do stupid things. This is where the heartbreak comes in...
I've been talking to some friends about the new guy and my new feelings for him. Since he and most of my friends don't know, I will be keeping his true identity a secret; so, for this post (and any other post where he will be mentioned... and he will be mentioned) we'll call him Donnie. (Anyone trying to figure out why I went with Donnie, you can stop - I went with Donnie because I fell for Donnie Wahlberg at the concert. I will be referring to my first love as Brian cause Brian Littrell was my first celebrity love - so stop trying to read into it, k?)
Anyway - so, I've been talking to a couple of my friends about Donnie and how I feel about him. And since this is only the second time I've ever fallen in love, (and the first time it sort of crept up on me over a period of years) I obviously started thinking of my first love, Brian. So, I started telling some of my new friends, who know about Donnie but not about Brian, about Brian (I sure hope you're following this, I'm sort of rambling...) and they started asking me things like, "Well, where is Brian now? What is he up to? When was the last time you talked to him?" Blah, blah, blah. So, this is where the stupid things and heartbreak come into play, I decided that I should add Brian on facebook again. (Damn you, facebook!!!) So, I did. Now, if you know me, you already know who I'm referring to - and if you don't know who I'm referring to but you have me on facebook, you can very easily go and see who I've recently added.
Okay, moving on... I added Brian on facebook and instantly started regretting it but me being stupid me (I blame the whole falling in love with Donnie thing...) I decided I should write on Brian's wall and just see if anything has changed in the two years since I had talked to him last. It hasn't. I'm still the same when it comes to him, and he's obviously still the same in certain ways (like when it comes to me) and I felt like I was getting my heart broken all over again. So, I deleted him. I deleted him from facebook four days after I added him. The stupid thing is that I know I'm not still in love with Brian. (I'm still not sure I'm in love with Donnie, but I'm pretty sure I am. But I KNOW I'm not still in love with Brian.) Yes, it still hurts when he doesn't act like I exist (bastard... how hard is it to say, "I'm good, how are you?" on a wall post!) but that's because I spent a freaking decade pining over him. (Again, for those of you who don't know me that well and don't know about me and "Brian" - I'm not exaggerating, I literally was in love with him for 10+ years.)
Tonight
So, that brings me to tonight. If you can't tell, my feelings for Donnie have pretty much consumed my life the latter half of July and the early part of August. Falling in love is a lot of work(!) and even if nothing has really come out of it when it comes to Donnie, this whole situation has made me realize who my true friends are. I mean, I can understand if I talk about it a lot (to the point where it gets annoying) and I can understand if you don't agree with it (considering I'll probably get hurt) but it's happening and all I need right now is a friend to talk to and freak about it with. I don't need your opinion of him. I don't need your opinion of me. I don't need your love advice. I don't need your judgments. I don't need you to roll your eyes at me. I don't need you to act like my friend. I need you to be my friend. I have a small group of GREAT friends and for you I'm so unbelievably thankful. One of you has even gotten me praying again and the other one of you is not going to really appreciate that fact, but it's nice to know that I do have friends out there. Actually, one of my besties is coming up to visit me in just over two weeks. I'm not sure if I'll be able to blog again before that, but I'm sure I'll write afterward to tell you about all of our adventures and to update you on the whole Donnie situation.
P.S. If you pray out there and don't mind, could you maybe through out a quick word in for me? I figure since I'm just getting back into it, I could use some back-up. If you could maybe send good thoughts about me getting over Brian and maybe working things out with me and Donnie, I'd greatly appreciate it. :)
Thank and Love You. <3
