Well, as per my usual, it's been far too long since I've written - and I'm writing because I'm in need of an outlet for my thoughts. Therefore, if you decide to read the rest of this post - be prepared.
Final Answers:
Believe it or not, even after my last post, I have spent the last few months denying that I'm depressed. Actually, let me rephrase that. I haven't been denying it, I've just been very reluctant to look into anti-depressants as the answer. Though I understand that depression, like many mental illnesses, are actual diseases that need to be cared for properly, I have found that many physicians tend to assume that mental illness is the cause as opposed to a symptom. As I have many physical ailments, I dislike going on anti-depressants because too often my physician will recommend upping the dose of the medication as opposed to looking for the actual cause for my physical issues. So, I've been trying to act more positively than I felt. Some days I did okay, most days I failed miserably. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I started having really bad joint pain and swelling again - and so began the new search for answers. Luckily, being that I spent most of last year looking for answers, the answer came relatively quickly this time. According to my rheumatologist, my symptoms have been around long enough and are consistent with a Fibromyalgia diagnosis.
Now, being that I've been told by doctors that they thought perhaps it was Fibro before, one would think this would come as a relief to me. Even I felt relieved when I first received the diagnosis, but after a couple of days it really started to sink in. I suddenly (maybe suddenly isn't the right word) realized that this is my life. The idea of having a non-curable, chronic illness finally hit home. I'm 30 years old and this is something I will have to deal and live with the rest of my life. Granted, during flare-ups it'll be worse, but overall I should probably be able to live a pretty normal life. Also, considering I've been living with it already - it shouldn't be a huge deal, right? I guess maybe deep down I kept hoping it would be something else and that we'd eventually find a cure - like when we found the hole in my heart...
Last Looks:
... speaking of deep down feelings... Have you ever seen the movie "Elizabethtown"? In the movie's opening monologue - and a theme throughout the film - is "last looks". Drew, the main character, starts "collecting" them. I know this seems like it's coming out of right field - but I'm going somewhere with it, I promise.
Anyway, "Elizabethtown" is one of my favorite movies and every once in awhile, I wonder if I've collected a "last look". For example, the last time I saw "Nathan". (If you're wondering who "Nathan" is, please feel free to reference previous posts.) The last time I saw him, I remember as he was leaving that I thought perhaps it was the last time I'd see him. Tonight, I found out I was right. It took since April for me to realize it and deep down I think I always knew it but, just like with my depression, I was resistant and chose to believe that if I just changed the way I think, I could change the end result... both times I was proven wrong.
So, now, here I sit, questioning whether it's worth hoping. Questioning if God, Destiny, and Fate exist. I know, probably not worth questioning all of that because of a guy and an answer I already knew - but how much does a person go through before giving up? I'm sure it's probably different for every person, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm finally at the end of the rope. My support system (thankfully, I do have one of those) keeps telling me that I'm stronger than this "bump in the road", but I keep feeling weaker and weaker. I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle the rest of my life anymore...
"So many people are looking at me to be strong and to fight, but I'm just surviving." --- Sweet Silver Lining lyrics by Kate Voegele
