An Open Letter about the Black Lives Matter Movement

    It's been over three-and-a-half years since my last post; but, since I needed an outlet, I figured my blog would be the best place. After all, I did name this blog "Autobiography of an Unknown" - and this post will probably be my most raw, real, passionate, and authentic. This is partly because of the current events - but also because I've grown a lot in the last few years. That being said, there may be points with which I contradict myself (from previous posts) or make myself look like a complete hypocrite. I think that comes with growth, evolution, knowledge, and the ability to say, "I changed my mind" or even, "I was wrong." Or, perhaps I'll repeat things I've learned for the 900th time and sound like a broken record. Either way, this what I think and feel and believe at this point in time: June 12, 2020 9:23 p.m. Central Time. 

Dear You, my reader -

    Unless you've been living under a rock since May 25, 2020, you've probably heard the name George Floyd at least once. I'm also assuming you are familiar with some of the events that have happened and protests that have taken place since then. That being said, you probably also have your opinions - or at least some sort of thought - on everything. Now, in the last two-and-a-half weeks (or so), I have lost friends and even extended family members due to a difference of opinion on (or even a difference of opinion on the level of importance of) this particular topic. I know many people have stated through social media that they also are willing to lose friends over this, but for many this is because there is such a high degree of emotion coursing through our veins right now. Yet, for me - it's not emotion-driven and I decided to write this letter to explain why. 

    As a quick aside, I would like to point out that this is by no means directed at any individual person or people. I'm not trying to "call out" those that I have already spoken to or those who have decided not to speak to me about the subject matter. I have been accused of "judging" and "being harsh" to people I have communicated to directly and so I felt the need to find a space to *try* to explain where I'm coming from purely. This is 100% about me (in what I hope is not a 100% selfish manner). This is my perspective and therefore my reality of the situation - and this is why it affects me the way that is does. I'm not "arguing" someone else's point or justification of their opinion. This is me. This is my truth; and, I just hope that maybe - perhaps - it'll turn on a tiny lightbulb for someone who didn't understand it in this way before; but, even if it doesn't, it's cathartic for me to speak my truth. 

    My name is Ashley. I am 34 years old. I am Korean. I am adopted (and, therefore, an immigrant). I was raised by white parents in small town Minnesota. I have a sister and brother. They are also white. I have a large extended family. I am the only person of color. However, I grew up as your average Minnesotan... for the most part. As a child, I never thought of myself as different. I had friends. I played with my sister, my cousins. I loved our pets. (I loved everyone's pets.) I enjoyed school. I went to church. I loved tator tot hotdish, meatloaf, mashed potatoes, and corn on the cob. I lived (and loved) my life. Of course, every once in awhile, a family member would say something like, "Well, not you, Ashley, you're family." but I never really paid much attention to it. Or, I do remember that one time when my cousin told me I could use chopsticks because "it's in your blood".  Or another time when a different cousin told me I was adopted because my real parents just didn't want me... or that time at school when someone made a joke about my face being so flat cause I was hit with a wok. I mean, kids say the darndest things, right? Heck - after watching "Harold and Kumar" my sister and I often joked about how I was a "Twinkie". (Yellow on the outside, white on the inside.) It's funny. It's just fun and games. But, something changed when I was 12 - and it wasn't attached to being Korean at all: I got sick. 

    Now, if you don't know me personally, you're thinking, "Okay... so what?" but this wasn't a cold or the flu or even something more serious like pneumonia. I got really, really sick. Actually, I got really, really tired. A few days of missing school and I was diagnosed with mono. I was told to "rest, hydrate, and let it run its course". The course it ran caused me to sleep 20 hours a day - every day - for about three months. Long story short, it wasn't mono. That initial three month illness eventually put my family and I on a six-year quest to figure out what was wrong. 

    During those six years, so much changed for me - but not in the way you may think. Most people mature between the ages of 12 through 18, but for me a lot of that was stunted. I no longer could hang out with friends. School was a constant stress. I gave up trying to get up early enough to go to church. I still loved our pets, but it wasn't as fun when I couldn't go and run around with them in the yard. I didn't date. I was constantly going to doctor appointments (and would often be told it was just in my head and nothing was wrong with me physically); and, my parents were my main source of social interaction, information, support, and education. It was tough especially because the main difference - the biggest change in my life in those six years - was that I started to feel and believe that I *AM* "different".

    For me, the easiest way to process being different was to put labels on it; and, my stunted maturity caused me to hold on to the notion that life was black-and-white much longer than I think I may have otherwise. I was in my bubble of this and that, black and white, right and wrong, male and female, 0 and 1. You know, the binary system. But, obviously, some things aren't one-or-the-other; some things you need to get out the label-maker for, right? So I started to label myself. My name is Ashley. I'm adopted. I'm female. I'm single. Check. Check. Check. Check... Those were easy. I'm Korean... but, I'm also American. So, I'm... Korean-American. Why choose between the two? Check. I'm attracted to men... but... I'm also attracted to women... I guess I'm bisexual. Check! I'm sick... but I don't know with what - and some doctors believe it's all in my head. So, is it physical or mental? I guess I'll just say, "Sick." Check. And, basically, that's how I defined myself. Those labels made up who I am. 

    So, how does this tie into George Floyd, Black Lives Matter, systemic racism, and the protests? Well, I guess I have to give you a little more backstory about me - but bear with me. When I was 18, I found out I had been born with a hole in my heart - and though my open heart surgery didn't fix all of my health issues, it helped a lot. Suddenly, I wasn't "sick" anymore, but I still wasn't "healthy". (And, there's no "sick-ish" label.) Gah! My labeling system was all screwed up now. And then the over-thinking kicked into overdrive: Who am I? How can I define myself without labels? What other labels have changed? Am I really bisexual? I seem more interested in boys than girls lately so maybe I'm heterosexual... or, heteroflexible? What about being Korean-American? My friend, another Korean adoptee, is WAY more interested in Korean things than I am so maybe I'm just American. However, I have encountered some racism, so clearly people see me as Korean... so, maybe I should be more Korean? Do I need these labels to define me or am I just supposed to define my labels? Why did I sleep for those six years instead of figure out who I was going to be as an adult? (Probably because you were so sick doctors were telling your parents to make funeral arrangements...) But, now I don't know who I am! 

    So for a long time I "walked the fence". I didn't label myself one way or the other - I was just sort of waiting to see which way I teetered... and then the 2016 election came around. Though I don't want to make this post too political, let's just say that I *have* been treated differently since then. And, I realized that even though I'm not sure which label I would give myself, sometimes labels were going to be placed upon me by others. One label that seemed to be placed upon me purely because of my appearance and/or the country in which I was born was "second-class". Though I would encounter "ignorant" racism (the racism with good intentions behind it) before 2016, I rarely encountered blatant racism. Since 2016, unfortunately I can no longer say that. I've been asked if I'm "an illegal" more than once or had people say, "Ching-chong-ching" as I walked by (and let's not even get started on how things have changed since COVID). These changes in society, in how people began treating me so unabashedly hateful made me realize that though it was never meant with malicious intent - every time I encountered "ignorant" racism, it was because that person saw me differently. Even as a child, when family would say, "Well, not you Ashley, you're family" - they still noticed I was different than them. I was not the same. I was not equal. And though those people may not have said it or even consciously thought it, it was because they saw me (or people like me) as lesser. And that's when I realized that I had a responsibility to advocate for myself. Honestly? I felt like I finally had a purpose. It was no longer about "who am I?" - it was about "why am I here?". The idea of advocating for myself and the marginalized communities that I am a part of makes me more confident. It finally gives me a bit of clarity as of why I have experienced so many experiences I have had. 

    I have said numerous times to family, friends, my therapist, strangers - it's impossible to find someone who completely understands what it's like to be female, pansexual, Asian, an immigrant, chronically ill, "plus-size", yadda yadda, [add label here] living in South Dakota in 2020. You may understand one facet of my life, but I highly doubt you'll find someone who relates to every facet. (And, I know you're thinking, "Everyone is different. No one is going to understand someone else 100%." and yes, I understand that way of thinking, too - but if you took two heterosexual, white males who grew up in a town of 100 people or less in the Midwest and put them together, they'd understand a heckuva lot more about each other than me and another Asian woman. See what I'm saying?) The one thing I wish I could find is someone who was empathetic enough to take what I tell them about *my* experience at face level. Even my family who has known me my entire life doesn't understand every aspect (mainly the sick/racism aspects). So for me, I don't want to have to explain every single thing - but if someone could empathize and try to see from my perspective, it would make all the difference to *MY* world. 

    I am not black. I am not male. I'm not seen as a threat. If anything, Asians are seen as the "model minority". Statistically, Asians make decent wages because of the type of professions they're in. I grew up with a lot of white privilege and I've also gotten some perks of being an Asian woman. I am aware that I don't have it bad. I am aware that I am not George Floyd, Tamir Rice, Breonna Taylor, Ahmaud Arbery, etc. I have never had an issue with a police officer - personally or professionally. I haven't been followed around a store because the sales person was worried I was going to steal something or had someone shout a racial slur at me; but, I know that racial inequality does exist because I have experienced it. I know that Americans are filled with implicit biases because I was raised here and I have them, too.

    This Revolution gives people of *all* marginalized communities hope. The progress the Black Lives Matter movement has made in the last few weeks has given me so much hope. It is not cops vs. BLM. It is not white vs. black. It is not left vs. right, Republicans vs. Democrats, tRump Supporters vs. people who type it tRump. It is about allowing people with first-hand experience explain their experiences to better this country, our government, and the world. It's about proving that we're all one human race, we're all created equally, and we should all be treated as such. It's about empathy and understanding that some of us will never understand. It's about love. This is why I'm so passionate about the Black Lives Matter Movement and why it's so important to me. I support Black Lives Matter because I know the benefits and the difference it'll make for so many of us. This is about uniting by being honest with ourselves and others. 

Peace, Love, and Kia Kaha -

Ashley

I Wrote My Way Out...

  Well, I wish I could start this post by saying that I'm in a new, wonderful place with life. Unfortunately, my life isn't a movie. The last 2 1/2 months have been really, really tough. I know, I sound like a broken record. Honestly, that's part of the reason I haven't written. Heck, I started another journal about a year ago (before that the only journal I kept was my 9 months in New Zealand) and I realized a few days ago I hadn't even written in that for a month. My journal this past year has been the place I put my thoughts and feelings that I was too afraid or too embarrassed to really share with anyone else; but, the last month or so, I haven't even wanted to write them down. I've been having such a constant downward spiral of thoughts that I haven't even wanted to remember them - in any way, shape, or form.
   After my post in September, I spent all of my energy working on feeling better physically. Actually, in September, I pretty much didn't have any energy to do anything at all. My Fibro flare-up literally sapped me of any and all energy. I was in so much pain that I could barely get myself off the toilet. (See, aren't you wishing I still wrote in the journal instead?) So, my mom finally came up to the Cities to bring me back down to their (Mom and Dad's) house. I've been spending most of my time with them or Lora and Chris (my sister and brother-in-law) since then. I've really only been in the Cities when I have doctor's appointments. So, yes, I haven't been working for almost three full months. I'm sure for some of you, that sounds like the world's best vacation - and though I enjoy spending time with my family, it's been hard. It's been hard being physically exhausted and in pain. It's been hard worrying about financing. It's been hard feeling like a burden. It's been hard trying to cope with my new reality. It's just been hard.
   I was having difficulties feeling like I was losing friends - or, I guess, just the idea that my friend's lives didn't end just because my life was stuck in neutral. It's definitely a challenge to be chronically ill and try to keep "normal" relationships. So often I have family members, friends, even my therapist say, "Well, maybe you should try a support group for chronically ill people - some even have dating sites", etc. However, I don't want to make being "sick" my "normal". Perhaps it's naive, but I still think of being sick the same way someone with the flu does - it's something I'll get past and then I want to go back to living my normal life... but then, I realize my "normal life" has always been controlled by my physical health. So, I guess I want to have my OPTIMAL life... not MY normal life. Still, as I get older, I'm finally understanding how hard it is for people to understand chronic illness if they've never been seriously ill. Heck, I have a couple of friends with chronic illness and even they will sometimes have a hard time understanding my situation and I theirs. One thing that seems to be a common thread in relationships where both are chronically ill, health is brought up a lot. Pretty much always - and I don't want that for my life. I'm not saying that I don't love my friends who are chronically ill, it's just that I don't want all of my friends and my complete life existence to be comparing symptoms, medications, online research, and doctor visits. I already deal with my health enough. I don't want it to be the main topic with my friends; but, then when you're unable to do ANYTHING for three months... it's hard for it not to be. Obviously I have some amazing friends who've checked in to see how I am, asked for me to hang out, etc. but I've been sitting around unable to do anything so pretty soon one starts to feel abandoned. It was also hard that I started having my flare-up at one of my closest friend's Going Away Party and then I "broke-up" with the closest thing I've had to a relationship within a couple of weeks.
  So, to continue beating a dead horse, my health - mental, physical, and emotional - was in a pretty bad place for September and most of October. Finally in October, I realized the Zoloft was working on my mental/emotional health. I was still having a hard time, but I was able to process it a little better. The only downfall? It didn't do anything for my physical health. So, mid-October I switched from Zoloft to Savella per my rheumatologist. Savella has recently been FDA approved for treatment of Fibro, whereas Zoloft has not; but, since they both act in a similar way, my doctor advised to end the Zoloft when I started the Savella. Near the end of October, I felt mentally a lot clearer and suddenly had a little bit more energy. I was still in severe pain, but I wasn't sleeping as much, I was able to push myself to make food one day, things that were a very big deal for me. As those improvements started, I started to look to the future again. I think of it sort of as a "flu symptom". You know, when you're sick with the flu you always think to yourself, "When I feel better I'm going to go to the gym" or "When I'm not this sick, I'm going to stop eating those cheeseburgers." whatever it may be. Any time that I'm able to see even the tiniest light at the end of the tunnel, I tend to re-evaluate my life. So, near the end of October I started thinking of an organization I would like to start and was very, very optimistic about it. As I'm not sure if I'm going to do it, I'm not going to give details as I'm not sure what I would need to start said organization, but essentially it would be for people who are chronically ill - but not a "support group". It was just something to distract me - something to focus my pent-up mental energy on. (I mean, by now, I was going completely stir-crazy being locked inside my own body.)
   All of that came to a screeching halt only a few days later...

    To be completely honest, I have never been very political. I don't really care about a lot of the "little" issues and, yes, I pretty much just listen to my mother (a Lutheran minister) and my sister (a Legal Aid attorney) for opinions on the big issues.  I mean, I like to think that I'm not completely brain-washed and have opinions on a lot of things because of my own, personal experiences; but, I guess I can't guarantee that because we've always agreed on all of the "big" issues. My family is pretty liberal. Actually, that may be an understatement. My family is very liberal. I, even if my family was not, feel like I pretty much have to be liberal. I say that because I am an Asian, immigrant, bisexual, chronically ill female. In many of the "big" issues - I personally feel like I would be a pretty big hypocrite if I was conservative. That's just my opinion, however.
   Anyway, nearing the 2016 Presidential election, I was the ignorant liberal who thought that there was no way Donald Trump would be elected. Still, even before the election, I did start to notice more and more blatant prejudice because of all the election news coverage. Now, remember, I've also been unable to pretty much do anything for almost two full months at this time and so I started to "engage" in "discussions" on social media (read: Facebook). I tried to not piss anyone off, but I did start to ask questions. And, admittedly, they weren't necessarily rhetorical questions - but someone wasn't going to change my mind by answering them, if you know what I mean. Perhaps I was being "snarky" and "accusatory" - but, in all honesty, it gave me something to do. That was until Halloween.
    At my place of work (yes, even though I haven't been able to work, I am still employed. That is one saving grace and sometimes part of the reason I feel like I'm unable to leave the company. I don't want to leave because it's a bad company, but it's not the right job for me. However, I feel stuck because of my tenure, the benefits, and my health.) we're able to dress up for Halloween. As it is a job where we work with the public, the costumes do have to be approved. I wasn't there, obviously, but there were many pics and posts from my friends/coworkers on social media (again, read: Facebook). I was really jealous because I love dressing up and seeing the kids (they come into the store to trick-or-treat) and seeing all of my friends/coworkers in their costumes, too. I will admit that I was very surprised when one of my coworkers posted on his FB page that he was a "Gangster" for Halloween. We work in a mall, so I didn't really feel it was appropriate. Plus, he is black, so honestly, I felt like that was sort of risky for him (He's from Africa and has a relatively thick accent). (NOTE: Yes, I am aware this can be taken as racist and prejudiced. I am very much aware of my own implicit bias to the idea and I apologize for it. At the same time, I'm willing to admit this was a thought that went through my head.) Other than thinking it wasn't appropriate and risky, I really didn't pay too much attention to it until later on that day when I saw another post where he (aforementioned coworker) and two other of my coworkers were in the back room taking a picture together. With the picture, the "gangster" wrote a small paragraph about the photo. He stated that the pic was showing our (the store's) "cultural diversity and acceptance". He stated how it was showing the "white boy" (his words, not mine) dressed as an African, the African (him) dressed as an African American, and the African American dressed as a Hispanic. Since I won't be sharing the picture, basically it was a white male in a traditional African shirt, the aforementioned colleague in his "gangster" costume, and an African American colleague with a bandana on her head and a plaid button up shirt with only the top button buttoned. My initial reaction when I saw this post was to just shake my head, think of how ignorant it was, and move on... but then something else happened. Over the course of the next three days - over five other coworkers shared the post to show their "cultural diversity and acceptance". Now, as I mentioned before, I had a lot of time on my hands and had finally decided I was willing to engage - even on the controversial topics. So, I wrote a post on my personal Facebook profile - didn't use the picture, didn't use any names - basically stating how it's sad to see this sort of prejudice and racism being passed as "cultural acceptance". In my opinion, it's not. It was stereotyping and blatant racism. I was aware this would probably stir up some hard feelings, but I wasn't prepared for the responses it received. As one of my friend described them, the responses were "spazztastic". Basically I was told I was instigating racism by saying it was racist, I was throwing shade to our entire store, and just hating on my coworkers. As one person put it, "people who actually show up for work". So, it became personal very quickly and six people "unfriended" me and four of the blocked me completely. It was definitely a wake-up call.
    A few days after that, I got into another heated discussion when a cousin's ex-wife posted that Somalians should never be able to vote or become citizens. In both situations I worked very (VERY) hard to keep my composure and to not "sink to their level". I gave my reasons very calmly and tried to write eloquent, educated responses. Still, I was told I was "snarky", "accusatory", "obnoxious", "a bully", "a hater", "looking for everyone's pity", and, yes, I was actually accused of being "really the only racist". Very unlike me, I let it slide off my back and moved on. I figured that once the election was over, the posts would end anyway. Yes, people would complain about the outcome for awhile, but then life would go on...
  Then, November 8th happened. I couldn't believe it. I'm still in shock - and I've been on a downward spiral of grief, depression, and defeat ever since. I had written a long Facebook post before the election (and before all of the above drama) about why I could never vote for Donald Trump. For me, it wasn't even a question. In my mind there was no way their were enough people in this country who wanted to set back our progress so many, many years. I knew people were upset about the government, I knew prejudiced and racist and misogynistic people still existed... I just didn't realize how many. I underestimated the hate. I underestimated the ignorance. I underestimated the privilege.
   A few posts ago, I wrote about hitting Rock Bottom earlier this year. My depression had gotten out of hand. Even in my last post, I wrote that I wasn't sure I wanted to keep living the rest of my life this way. Pretty much in both posts I had lost all fight. I had run out of gas. I had been beaten by "the game". I was giving in. I quit. I didn't want to take on "the man" anymore. Basically, I didn't want to live life... since the election, however, I find that I have fight. I don't just have fight, I have a lot of fight. However, with my health, my finances, my current situation - I'm at a loss of how I can make a difference. Sometimes it feels like I'm a truck stuck on an icy road - before, I assumed I was completely out of gas. Now I realize I have a ton of gas, but even as I step on the gas - I'm just spinning my wheels and not going anywhere. So, what do I do? Do I keep stepping on the gas until I actually do run out? Or do I just sit and wait here until it runs out by itself. I guess I only have one other option - to get out and find another way... but, I'm not sure how to do that. I would love to be able to volunteer my time, but since I'm hoping to get back to work soon, I can't risk running out my physical energy. I would love to donate to a cause - any cause, but I'm in such a financial bind, I recently considered starting a GoFundMe page just to pay my bills (instead I borrowed money from family, who really didn't have it to lend). So, I've been trying to become an advocate. I've been trying to educate. I've been trying to be a better person for the people around me, the people who may not have a voice, the people who may not be able to say what they want to say... but, it's not even been a month yet and I'm so tired. I'm so tired of not only the ignorance, but the unwillingness to learn and the sheer hate.
  I guess my boiling point came last night when I realized that my cousin had deleted me on Facebook. The cousin who's ex-wife had the racist post. I approached him to ask him why he had deleted me. At first he tried to lie and say it was for something else, but we both know why he did it and I told him that. In that moment (and when I read the hateful messages he keeps sending me since) I realized that the bottom line was that my cousin chose his racist ex-wife over his Korean cousin. He's known me my entire life. He's aware of my race, the fact that I'm an immigrant, etc. and yet he agrees that people who aren't born here should never be able to be citizens or to vote. His last message to me was "Fuck you. Boo hoo. Grow up. I don't care what you think."
   So, that brings me back to the organization I thought of starting. How could I ever think someone who hasn't been ill could understand or empathize with someone who's always been ill if we can't even understand or empathize white privilege, racism, prejudice, or our own implicit bias? I hope I find answers to some of life's questions soon... until then, I will fight the fight in the only way I can see possible right now. I will write.

The title of this post is from a song off the "The Hamilton Mixtape" coming out December 2nd. It's a small joy in this complicated life. Check it out!


  

Final Answers and Last Looks...

Well, as per my usual, it's been far too long since I've written - and I'm writing because I'm in need of an outlet for my thoughts. Therefore, if you decide to read the rest of this post - be prepared.

Final Answers:
     Believe it or not, even after my last post, I have spent the last few months denying that I'm depressed. Actually, let me rephrase that. I haven't been denying it, I've just been very reluctant to look into anti-depressants as the answer. Though I understand that depression, like many mental illnesses, are actual diseases that need to be cared for properly, I have found that many physicians tend to assume that mental illness is the cause as opposed to a symptom. As I have many physical ailments, I dislike going on anti-depressants because too often my physician will recommend upping the dose of the medication as opposed to looking for the actual cause for my physical issues. So, I've been trying to act more positively than I felt. Some days I did okay, most days I failed miserably. Then, a couple of weeks ago, I started having really bad joint pain and swelling again - and so began the new search for answers. Luckily, being that I spent most of last year looking for answers, the answer came relatively quickly this time. According to my rheumatologist, my symptoms have been around long enough and are consistent with a Fibromyalgia diagnosis.
    Now, being that I've been told by doctors that they thought perhaps it was Fibro before, one would think this would come as a relief to me. Even I felt relieved when I first received the diagnosis, but after a couple of days it really started to sink in. I suddenly (maybe suddenly isn't the right word) realized that this is my life. The idea of having a non-curable, chronic illness finally hit home. I'm 30 years old and this is something I will have to deal and live with the rest of my life. Granted, during flare-ups it'll be worse, but overall I should probably be able to live a pretty normal life. Also, considering I've been living with it already - it shouldn't be a huge deal, right? I guess maybe deep down I kept hoping it would be something else and that we'd eventually find a cure - like when we found the hole in my heart...

Last Looks:
   ... speaking of deep down feelings... Have you ever seen the movie "Elizabethtown"? In the movie's opening monologue - and a theme throughout the film - is "last looks". Drew, the main character, starts "collecting" them. I know this seems like it's coming out of right field - but I'm going somewhere with it, I promise.
   Anyway, "Elizabethtown" is one of my favorite movies and every once in awhile, I wonder if I've collected a "last look". For example, the last time I saw "Nathan". (If you're wondering who "Nathan" is, please feel free to reference previous posts.) The last time I saw him, I remember as he was leaving that I thought perhaps it was the last time I'd see him. Tonight, I found out I was right. It took since April for me to realize it and deep down I think I always knew it but, just like with my depression, I was resistant and chose to believe that if I just changed the way I think, I could change the end result... both times I was proven wrong.
  
   So, now, here I sit, questioning whether it's worth hoping. Questioning if God, Destiny, and Fate exist. I know, probably not worth questioning all of that because of a guy and an answer I already knew - but how much does a person go through before giving up? I'm sure it's probably different for every person, but I'm starting to wonder if I'm finally at the end of the rope. My support system (thankfully, I do have one of those) keeps telling me that I'm stronger than this "bump in the road", but I keep feeling weaker and weaker. I don't know if I'm strong enough to handle the rest of my life anymore...

"So many people are looking at me to be strong and to fight, but I'm just surviving." --- Sweet Silver Lining lyrics by Kate Voegele

Rock Bottom

    So, I'm sure everyone at one point in time has felt like they hit "rock bottom" - and some of you have probably felt like Rachel on "FRIENDS". ("Yesterday I thought I hit rock bottom; but, now it's rock bottom, fifty feet of crap, and then me.") Life is funny like that. It can kick us when we're down, bring us back to reality when we're up, and sometimes Life can make us feel like it has won and we have lost. I'm sure "rock bottom" looks different to everyone - and, admittedly, I have had many times where I thought I hit my "rock bottom". However, I can feel confident in saying that Tuesday, July 5th, 2016. I truly saw me at my worst. I watched me hit my "rock bottom".
    I say "I saw" and "I watched" because that day truly felt like an out of body experience; but, perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself. The 4th of July was awesome. The night before I had driven down to my sister's house after work - and then spent the day out on the patio: eating, drinking, and being merry with my family. We even had s'mores and "Grandma Vi Dessert" (which is Violet Liqueur and Prosecco, lovingly named for our Grandma). Then, after the fireworks that night I drove back to the Cities. Now, I'm not going to lie, I always have a hard time leaving my family to come back to the Cities. I'm quite close to my family. I always have been and I hope I always will be. So, it's hard to not be physically close to them.
    I've also been watching Glee of Netflix. I'm not necessarily proud of that, but I remember a lot of my friends really enjoyed it when it was on TV. Being that I'm a little media obsessed, (movies, music, celebs, etc.) I was aware that Cory Monteith passed away during the filming of the show and before going to my sister's for the 4th, I knew I was getting close to the episode they filmed for him. So, perhaps the two things together - missing my family and thinking about the loss these actors and characters on the show would be facing soon - probably put me in a bit of a weakened place.
    On the 5th, I guess one could say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Yes, I had gotten plenty of sleep, (which has been sort of rare lately - so maybe I can somewhat blame lack of sleep) I had a great drive home the night before, I felt ready for the day... yet, something wasn't right. By the time I got to work, I almost felt like I was watching myself more than actually living it. As work progressed, I became more frustrated. Frustrated with work and my colleagues; frustrated with friends and even my family; but, mostly, frustrated with myself. Around 5:30 p.m., I remember being so upset I went into our backroom and tried texting a couple of friends. The weird part, however, was that I felt almost as if I was watching it. I didn't feel like myself. I felt as if I was watching someone else living this life. It was such a weird mixture of feelings. As I watched, I felt angry that this girl wasn't connecting with the friends she so desperately needed; I felt annoyed watching this girl be so irritated with her work but not doing anything about it; I felt frustrated that I knew it was me but yet somehow couldn't make the connection; but, more than anything, I felt sorry. I felt sorry that all of this was happening and just wanted to end this girl's sad, pathetic existence.
    Yes, for the first time in a long time, I actually thought of ending it. Just, ending it all. As I watched from this other perspective, I watched someone who wasn't strong enough to deal with the situations that she faced. This girl that I was watching kept pushing people away, kept settling with the idea that life had to be like this, and had no motivation to better her self or her world. I remembered coming home from work and being unable to choke down the food I bought for myself, I decided to take a bath. I sat in the bath for over an hour - just feeling absolutely numb. I didn't even feel like I was living. I was barely existing. Then, a thought from one of my favorite TV shows popped into my head, "I'm not here."
    That line was said by a character named Jimmy Edwards on an episode of One Tree Hill. That line was said right before Jimmy Edwards turns a gun to his chest, pulls the trigger, and kills himself. As that thought went through my head, I jumped out of the tub and reached out to a friend that I knew would be awake. Even though he was someone I had been pushing away earlier in the day, I somehow knew he would be there for me; and, he was. He's one of those people who always says exactly what you need to hear. Perhaps that type of friend doesn't make the most solid foundation, but it was exactly what I needed that night. The next morning I woke up determined and ready to face the world as me; but, I realized as I watched myself the day earlier that I didn't know who I was. I didn't have an identity or any adjectives to define myself. So, my first order of business was to define myself...

    Well, it's been a few days and though I've been determined to not hit my "rock bottom" again... I have come to realize that choosing an identity isn't that easy. As ridiculous as it may seem, even at 30, I'm realizing that I get 100% control on defining who I am. I may not get to choose how you see me, but I get to choose how I see myself. So, who am I? I don't know. The only thing I know right now - I'm a work in progress. I am a beautiful work in progress. I'm not perfect, but then again, I'm not aiming for perfection. There are things I know that I am: I'm funny. I'm smart. I'm creative. I'm talented. I'm loved. I'm insecure. I'm vulnerable. I'm an outgoing introvert. But, mostly, after this week - I know that I am strong. I am strong enough to face whatever may come my way. I am strong enough to hit "rock bottom" and to claw my way back up that long, steep hill. I am that strong. So, I may not know who I am, but I do know that I have plenty of time to figure it out.

An Open Letter...

   Well, either I'm schizophrenic or I'm growing up. I definitely hope (and would like to believe) it's the latter. Today I was writing in my journal after having another hard week and had some realizations. I then decided I would like to blog about it in case anyone else has felt this way before - and just happened to read the last paragraph on my last blog post. Man, so much can change in a couple of weeks (hence why I do sometimes wonder the schizophrenia thing...) I'm not naive enough to believe that everything has suddenly changed and it'll be all rainbows and butterflies from here on out, but I do think I did have a small breakthrough on a few things. And, as I think more thoroughly about it, I realize those things are all interconnected - so perhaps it was a big breakthrough on a big thing.
    In my last post, I was down because of a guy. I had once again put myself in a place where I wasn't happy and was blaming someone else for it - or at least my actions towards someone else. (I like to think at 30 I finally know that no one is in control of my happiness except for me.) I had pushed him away because... well, honestly I don't know why. Perhaps I made reasons in my last post, but "reasons" could easily be replaced by "excuses". Honestly, I pushed him away because of many reasons; I was scared, I was hurt, I was scared of being more hurt, I didn't know how to handle to situation, etc. and so forth. I'd like to say that this post comes because I swallowed my pride and he forgave me and everything worked out and so I'm in a good place now; but, that's not reality. Actually, I'm glad I can't say that - because it goes back to the fairy tales. Life isn't a fairy tale. Fairy tales teach us lessons, which is great; but, they also give a false idea of how the lesson is taught. (That's how I see it anyway.) This story, my story, definitely isn't the fairy tale - but ultimately the lessons are there.
    "Nathan" and I did start talking again after my last post. I went all girl on him and did the whole: "please forgive me. I'm sorry I'm crazy..." and, surprisingly, he forgave me. Or, at least, he seemed to forgive me. We even hung out when he came to town earlier this week... and then, in true Ashley fashion, I freaked out. Again. I had finally hit rock bottom with everything. Not just with this guy, with everything. (This may come as a surprise cause, quite frankly, I've been through a lot harder stuff than the current stuff - but, truly, it felt like rock bottom.) I decided to give social media a little bit of a break - and since I don't really do anything on Instagram or Twitter, that basically meant I deactivated my Facebook account and logged out of Snapchat. Admittedly, I logged back into Snapchat the next day - but I've been off of Facebook now about three days and it has made a huge difference. However, between "Nathan" not talking to me again and no more Facebook, I had time to truly reflect on this rock bottom place for me - and this is when the light bulb turned on.
    I've always been one of those girls who sit there and say, "I'm so glad I don't need a guy to define me." or "I'm so glad I've never needed a man to make me feel wanted." but then I met "Nathan" and I screwed up with him. A lot. And we've fought and stopped talking and started talking again and stopped talking again numerous times. And during those off times I'd go to my girl friends and whine and complain and pout and ask what I did wrong hoping they'd make me feel better. Sometimes they did. Sometimes they didn't. Anyway, I remember one time during the Nathan-and-I-aren't-talking-anymore periods I was talking to one of my friends and she said, "No offense, but maybe you were always like that because you never had a guy." which, at the time, pissed me off because it really hurt... and, honestly, because I knew she had a point. It was true. I had never had a guy who had made me feel wanted and I had never dated someone where I felt defined by that relationship so I could say things like that because I never had the opportunity to experience the flip side. So, this past week, being in one of those not-talking-anymore periods again, I started thinking about that again.
    Now, this may be obvious to everyone else around me, but I'm finally able to put it into a way I can understand. I don't think it's necessarily that I don't like myself, but I think I've always judged my relationships (and when I say "relationships", I mean with everyone - family, friends, guys, etc.) on whether or not I was/am worthy of it. I always wanted to feel like I was worth the love and admiration/attention I was receiving. So, after a few bad friendships and the usual hardships with family, I think eventually I started to feel like I'm not worthy. Suddenly I felt as if I was not worth friendships or otherwise. I have even told a couple of my friends how I sometimes wish that more of my friends would be more "picky". I have felt like my friendship with someone isn't as important or special because they have so many other friends - and I have felt that with close friends and even some of my best friends. I now realize that the confidence I felt within those friendships was my only confidence - when the relationships in my life are shaky, so am I. I am fully defined by the relationships I have in my life and the older I get, the harder it is for those tight-knit friendships to stay so solid. Not that they're not as strong, but it's harder to see/talk to each other as often because life gets in the way. It's also not lost on me that the older I get, the more pressure I put on the idea of romantic relationships. Why am I not good enough for someone to like me much less love me? What's wrong with me? (I realize now I've stuck myself into a chicken/egg situation... at least I see it now.)
    So, with "Nathan" it suddenly all makes sense. I had this attractive, educated, funny, athletic, popular guy start talking to me out of the blue and I suddenly thought maybe there was something in me that made me special. He would tell me things like he enjoyed talking to me, or that I was pretty, or that I mattered... and suddenly I believed that maybe I did have something to offer to the world - or, at least, something to offer to the people in the world... but eventually, I wanted more. I needed more. I needed that constant admiration (for lack of a better word) to keep feeling that sense of worth. Now, maybe I was acting so needy that I pushed him away or maybe he just realized he couldn't see himself with me or perhaps with was all just logistics and the long-distance thing, but eventually he stopped saying the things I needed to hear to feel worthy of his friendship. So, once again, I convinced myself that I'm not - and, in doing so, I probably convinced him, too. Of course, this has nothing to do with him and, like I said, life isn't a fairy tale - but at least the lesson is learned. The only thing that scares me now is how to break the cycle. It may be too late with "Nathan" to salvage a decent friendship. Of course, I hope that's not the case, but if it is I need to be able to learn from the experience.

  So here - an open letter to those who have been in my life and stuck around:

   Dear Friend,
      First off, I apologize for the times I may have driven you crazy or been too self-centered or used you in any way. I want you to know that I have never intentionally wanted to hurt you or had any malicious intent behind my actions. If I have hurt you, please know how sorry I am. I realize now what it means to be a "Work In Progress" and I feel quite certain that that is the meaning of life. So, second, thank you for allowing me to be who I am. I hope I have never given you a reason to doubt who you are. I'm sorry if I never told you how amazing you are (because you are), but if I did, know that I truly believe it. I feel blessed to have you in my life and I'm here for you if you need anything. Thank you for helping me feel a sense of worth.

The Return

    Wow. Looking at my blog "Overview" it's been almost two years since my last post. I'd love to be able to say that I've returned because I realized I have something to offer to you and the world and had to share; but, alas, I find myself in a very dark place today and needed an outlet. That also means I won't be giving you a full update on me and what I've been up to the last two years; unless it directly relates to said dark place, which, I suppose, a lot of it does.
    The great thing about social media (Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc.)  is that it allows a person to express his or her self. It is also a great way to keep up with friends and family that one may not see very often in "real life". The downside? Well, don't get me started. There's always the double-edged sword; and considering where the world is today (especially the U.S.) it seems that social media is now more about *blank*-shaming (please, fill in the blank however you see fit: fat, thin, slut, dumb, cat, dog, etc.), updating everyone on your fitness goals (GAINS), making your political views known (normally in a hateful and ignorant way - regardless of what side you're on... again, refer back to the *blank*-shaming comment), trying to make others jealous of your life, or, for some of us, it's a place where we cry out for help hoping our "friends" will respond with the right words or in the right way. I really don't want to be that person... but, I'm starting to feel like I need to be. So, instead, I've decided to write about it and people can decide to read or not.
    As I said earlier, I'm not going to spend this post updating you on the last two years of my life. However, the last year - and especially the last six months - have been pretty tough. I don't like to really say that because I feel like it's me trying to make excuses, but looking back on it, it has been tough. Last year (2015) in February, I started getting sick. It first started with the normal cold/flu and then progressed into issues of vomiting, nausea and eventually moved on to weakness, fatigue, and ridiculous joint pain. Suddenly it was like I was a teen again - spending most of the year trying to figure out what was causing all of these issues just to be told that I was overweight and it was all somatic. (For those of you not in a medical profession - it basically equals being fat and crazy.) That was pretty tough to handle. It's hard to be physically ill and then have everyone tell you it's all in your head. (If this hasn't specifically happened to you, trust me. It sucks.)
    Then, later last year (around October) I started having some issues with the relationships in my life. Friends, and even family, were starting to make me question what I wanted out of my relationships; and made me wonder whether history or the same last name gave people the right to treat me in certain ways. During that time, as I was still dealing with the physical issues as well, I hoped and, reluctantly, even prayed that I would meet someone to help me through such a hard year... and through a very weird turn of events, I did. No, it's not some fairy tale romance where Prince Charming came and swept me off of my feet; but, he was a bright spot in the dark days I was going through. Though he never really said it, I think he was going through a somewhat hard and transitional time when we started talking. So, it was nice. It quickly became routine for us to talk every day and I quickly became attached. Perhaps it was the hoping and praying, but I put a lot of stock into the idea of this guy.
    The new year brought along new problems. I turned 30 mid-January and I can't even lie - I totally had a pre-birthday crisis. The idea of beginning a new decade in my life had me looking back to the last 10 years and I didn't really like what I saw. I was, and am, pretty much still in the exact same place I was when I was 20. I still live in an apartment, it's just now I go to work instead of school. I still haven't had a relationship and haven't really dated. At all. And I still have a lot of issues with friends. Making friends, yes; but, for me, it's even harder keeping friends. I just feel very emotionally immature for my age. I think a lot of us believe that our 20s are the time to figure out what we want to do and who we want to be; but, by the time we're 30, we should be settled down. Suddenly it's time for us to adult. Now, through life experience I know that's not true for a lot of people. Still, it was hard for me to feel like I had failed at that goal. Suddenly 30 was upon me and I still felt as lost as ever.
    Now, if you can't tell, and for some reason you're reading this but don't actually know me, you've probably noticed a couple of things. First, I am a huge over-user of commas. Sorry, I type like I talk and for me commas go where I would pause. Second, the relationships in my life are my number one priority. One of my friends said the other day that I'm not happy unless the people around me are happy, which is somewhat accurate. I enjoy being someone people feel like they can go to and I'm ridiculously loyal to the people in my life. That, however, causes some issues with feeling used from time to time (see paragraph above issue of having friends and even family sometimes treat me worse than I would want...). Also, as I mentioned above, because of health issues and just having other priorities I don't have a lot of experience with dating or romantic relationships. This brings us back to the fore-mentioned guy. (Let's refer to him as Nathan from here on out... and that's purely because I've been re-watching One Tree Hill lately.)
   So, through this pre-birthday crisis, Nathan and I had been talking. A lot. But, by this time, we had already agreed that dating/a relationship was not in our future. Basically he was long distance and was also hell-bent against long distance relationships. And I get it... or at least I keep saying that I get it. We would only get to see each other maybe once a month or once every two months and it would only be for a few hours. It would suck trying to have a relationship over the phone; however, on the same hand, we sort of (in my mind, anyway) acted like we were together. We conversed every day - from the "Good morning" texts to the "Goodnight" ones. Yeah, admittedly I was pretty smitten; but, he got out of his hard time transitional period a lot faster than I did and then there was a change. For me, it felt sudden. Suddenly he was hanging out with friends and didn't have time to talk. He started to get annoyed at me and, one could say, the honeymoon stage was over... now, in the last few weeks or so, it's just gotten bad with him.
    This change hasn't been as sudden. Of course, after the honeymoon stage is over and it's agreed that there wouldn't be a relationship, things just fall into the high school crush place. Then, when I get into the high school crush place, it's just a matter of time before things implode. Most of the reason why I wanted to write today was because I ended things today and I've been really feeling bad about it... but now that I get to the things I wanted to say, I suddenly don't know how to say it. Some of you, if there is still a "you" reading this, may know of whom I'm talking about and if you do, just know it's nothing he did. He's still a really great guy. But, that's a lot of the problem, isn't it? "Nathan" is the popular, attractive, ambitious, educated jock. He's also very kind and wants to be there for the people in his life. It's just, recently, I finally realized that I felt like I needed him to be there for me and I hadn't earned that place in his life yet.
    I tend to have this issue with feeling like things should be black and white. I don't really like grey areas. Actually, I hate grey areas. I like to have things labeled and I like to know where things are going. I mean, it's even like, if I'm going to watch a movie - it better have an ending. If it doesn't, I better know there's going to be a trilogy or whatever. I tend to research shows I'm watching on Netflix to see if they had actual endings or if it just got canceled and left the viewers hanging. If it did, I tend to not watch. Everything in my life is black or white, right or wrong, ends well or doesn't. This could be why I don't really date. I hate that ambiguous feeling. There was a lot of ambiguous feelings with Nathan. So, I finally had to end it. Black. Labeled. Done.
    Now, I sit with the aftermath. The regret. The "what-ifs". The things left unsaid; but, girls like me don't end up with guys like him. I've said that to a couple of my friends today and, of course, they yell at me and tell me I need to have better self-esteem and I can't feel that way about myself; but, when do we finally get to an age where we have to accept reality? Why do we teach ourselves to believe in the fairy tales? Isn't it just false hope? Where is the line between reality and negativity? I feel like that line gets more and more blurred with where society is these days. Am I just too jaded or am I just too real? Perhaps a bit a both. Let's face it, I've always been a bit cynical. But, what do my actions today tell me? Probably that I'll constantly ruin things for myself because I'd rather end things and cause the hurt than to wait for it just to happen. Still, I think all I've ever really wanted was to feel like matter to someone. I just want to know that there's someone out there who thinks of me when he/she wakes up. I want that feeling that I can go to that person no matter what the issue and he/she will want to help me. Always. I'm sick of giving people priority in my life and not having that reciprocated - so is it so bad to push them away? Probably; because then I'm just going to end up alone. I know what people will say to me if they read this - that's why I didn't put this on my social media. Ultimately, I don't want answers to the questions. I don't want the little motivating and uplifting sayings. I don't want the lies that people are there for me. I just want what I want.

To find my new passion and start again...

So, normally when I haven't written for awhile I go over the past and what I've been up to since my last post. I want this time to be different. Lately I've been doing a lot of reading and even more thinking. I've also been trying a bit of online dating and a question that every dating site asks (yes, I've been on more than one) is: How ambitious are you? Now, I normally answer that I'm quite ambitious. I mean, I have a college degree. I've been to New Zealand. I have a good job. However, when I think of my life now - am I really ambitious? Am I ambitious at all? And I have realized, to be ambitious - you need a goal. Anyone can say they have a "strong desire to succeed" but, what is success? If you don't have a goal, how can you achieve it? How can you be successful? I've also been thinking a lot about passion. Being passionate. I don't know if you've noticed, but passion is sexy. As everyone who knows anything about me knows - I'm absolutely obsessed with Nitro Circus. Why? Because passion is sexy. The idea that these guys and gals took something that they loved to do, worked their asses off, and make risking their lives look easy is sexy. And they did it because they loved it! They love to entertain. They love to push themselves past the limit. And I'm not saying that I want to risk my life or anything, but I don't feel passionate about anything like that. I'm passionate about the relationships in my life, but I've never taken a passion and made it a talent. Does that make sense? It doesn't even have to be a talent - but I've never been passionate about something and felt accomplished in it. For example, I always wanted to write a book - that's partly where the idea where this blog came from, but I don't even have that many posts on this blog - and I have much less written for a book. Another example, my sister. She's passionate about running and therefore has taken that passion and accomplished something - running a marathon. Yes, I have done a 5k, but I didn't even run the entire thing! (I know, I did have food poisoning, which yes, I'm using as a valid excuse - but still, I could've run plenty others since then and yet I haven't.) I also used to enjoy drawing, but haven't done that in such a long time either. Therefore, it is time that I find a new passion and set a new goal.

Earlier this month I wanted to start drinking more water and though I haven't been drinking is much as I want, I have definitely been drinking more. Tomorrow, I'm going to start "oil pulling". If you haven't heard of it, look it up. I'll let you know how it goes. I've also been wanting to read more, which is actually going okay - but I would really love to read more of the classics as opposed to the "fluff" books I'm currently reading. Although, I did find an article about "The 16 Books to Read Before They Hit Theaters This Year" and so I think I'll finish that first. I've actually read a couple of them already so hopefully I can read those and then jump into some of the classics. If anyone has any suggestions (fluff, classic, or in between), please comment them below. I know I also spoke about (was that on this blog? I'm pretty sure it was...) how I want to be more financially healthy this year on top of being physically healthy - so since I haven't really done that New Year's "resolution", I guess I should start that, too. Seriously.

I guess these aren't really passions; but, they are something I can set goals for and maybe find a passion from them. Perhaps my ultimate goal is finding my passion. Until then, my little goals are going to include:

• Running another 5k (I'm signed up for The Color Run in July)
• I'm hoping that will help me lose 20 lbs. by the NYC trip (This is in August and basically I don't want to be sweating and feeling miserable as I run around the City - I'm going to see my first show on Broadway!)
• Make myself a budget so I can travel more or perhaps buy a new car this year. (The poor Malibu is getting very close to retirement.)
• Finish reading my article books by the end of the year. (So far I've read 2 of 16)
• Start writing my own book. (It's time.)
• Learn Spanish. (I'm thinking of getting Rosetta Stone.)

I think that's a good little list. There are plenty more things that I want to do, but I also don't want to put too much on my plate and fail. Let's see how ambitious I truly am. Let's see if I can find that passion, that drive that got me to New Zealand, that thrill of accomplishment that got me my degrees. I need to find my new passion and it's time to start again...

Where does the Time go?

So, another year is coming to an end. I can't believe it's been 9 months (almost to the day!) since my last post. So much has happened - I almost can't even think about it! Therefore, we're going to break it down month-by-month to get you caught up. (Not that any of you were holding your breath waiting for the update, but it's a good way for me to reminisce on my year.)

March
I left you in March shortly after my amazing experience at the Maroon 5 concert and right before the mind-boggling, awe-inspiring, indescribable experience at my first P!NK concert. It was her "The Truth About Love" Tour and.... yeah, if you weren't lucky enough to see it - I'm sorry. Let's put it this way - a few days after my mom, sister, and I attended her concert - I bought tickets for my sister, brother-in-law, and I to go to the extended leg of the tour. (The concert was supposed to be in November, but because of a vocal rest it was postponed until January and we won't be able to go.... I'm super bummed... but I'm grateful I got to see it at least once. The concert was on Epix this weekend though so I'm hoping it'll be released on DVD.) She is just so talented. She can sing (duh), dance, do acrobatics, and she is just an amazing person all around. Lora, my sister, really enjoyed the fact that she didn't want to swear because she saw there were young children in the audience so she sang the edited versions of all of her songs.

April
April brought on a few big changes to my life - I decided to add another furry four-legged child and got a dog. One of my cousin's has a Shih Tzu whom she recently started breeding and though I wanted one of the puppies from her first litter - it just didn't work out with my living situation at the time; so, I decided to get one of the puppies from the second litter. I felt like this was the right time for me and had everything in line (or so I thought) so I told my cousin I would take one and then all hell broke loose. As I've mentioned before, I lived with my great-aunt and rented out her basement and though we discussed (thoroughly) about me getting one of the puppies, she changed her mind once the decision was final... so, I moved out. There was a lot of family drama and I realized that it would be best for me to have my own place anyway. So, in late April me and "the kids" moved to a studio apartment in Burnsville.

May
 May was spent settling in to the new place and getting used to having a puppy in my life. The last time I had a puppy in my life was in 3rd grade when we got our Dakota. Of course back then my parents did all of the hard work - so taking care of Percy was definitely a new experience. Though I loved my pupper and enjoyed the challenge, it did make me realize I would never want kids - I like my sleep too much.

June
By the time June came around, I felt like we had a pretty good routine. I was liking my new apartment a lot (though I was NOT a fan of the management) and "the kids" were starting to get along a little better. (I think the cats realized the Percy wasn't going to go away anytime soon.) Of course during this time I was still working at AV and though I enjoyed my colleagues, I wasn't sure about my job. I really wanted to take the next step but wasn't sure I would have the opportunity and started looking for a new job.

July
In July, I was approached by my manager about an interim opportunity in Mankato for an assistant manager position. Of course it would just be temporary, but it sounded like a good way to get me to the next step. My manager advised that he thought it would be good for me - but would be a lot of hard work since I would be commuting. Still, I decided to risk it and apply; and, I got the job! Shortly after I started in mid-July, the other assistant stepped down which meant even longer hours as we were now down a manager. That meant that "the kids" were shipped to Mom and Dad's as I was working up to 20 hours a day when you include the commute. (It wasn't all work though, I did get the chance to attend The Package Tour with Dad on July 20th and took part of my first Color Run on July 14th. Both amazing experiences. I had so much fun with both and our seats at the concert were the best I've ever had. Nine rows from the floor!)

August and  September  were pretty much a blur. I spent both months commuting between Burnsville, Mankato, Olivia, and eventually Jackson as Mom and Dad moved to a new house at the end of September.

October
In October I was offered an official Assistant Manager position with Mankato, which was exciting and terrifying all at the same time. As I had just signed a lease in Burnsville in April, it was a hard decision but I finally decided to accept. That meant mid-to-end of October was spent finding a place to live (on top of working long hours...) October 19th I finally got a break though when Dad, Mom, Lora, Chris (my brother-in-law), and Bruce (a cousin) flew down to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico for a week-long vacation. Luckily I found a place shortly before we left so I could have a completely stress-free week.

November
As soon as we got back from Mexico it was off to pack up at Burnsville and prepare the apartment in Mankato. (I found a place through a friend of the family and let's just say it needed a little TLC.) I moved into the new apartment in mid-November and have been slowly working on it ever since. It also didn't help that I found out my pacemaker was conking out after 8 years and needed to be replaced. I had my pacemaker generator replaced two days before Thanksgiving - and though I had a great doctor and a lot of love and care from my family, recovery did not go as smoothly as expected. It kept me out of work a little longer than I was expecting and put a bit of a damper on getting the apartment together - but it's coming along nicely and I do like it a lot.

Now I'm just typing a quick update as I watch the Saints vs. Panthers game at Mom and Dad's in Jackson. I came home to pick up "the kids" as Mom and Dad were stuck watching them while I recuperated. I better get going though as it's been snowing all day and it's probably going to be a long drive home.

Wish me luck. Thanks for reading the update.

I promise I'll be back on before nine months have passed (cause I miss so much otherwise - plus, I have some big stuff coming up in January like NITRO CIRCUS LIVE!!!)

Talk to you then. Thanks again!

HAPPY HOLIDAYS!

Maroon 5

So, I've been lucky enough to go to a decent amount of concerts in my life; and, one of my favorite parts about going to a concert is talking to your friends or family or whomever who attended the concert with and reliving the best moments. This past week, I went to my first Maroon 5 concert and because of certain circumstances - I went by myself. Though at first the idea of me going to a concert by myself scared the living beejeesus out of me, (worst part? Finding parking, of course!) I actually found it to be quite liberating! It's so nice to scream and holler and sing along and be that obnoxious fan without having to worry that your friends or family are completely losing all respect for you. The only bad thing... I didn't have anyone to talk to about best moments, what I enjoyed, etc. So - that's what this blog post is going to be about... so, if you don't care about concerts or hate Maroon 5 or just don't want to hear me talk about how cute, sexy, or adorable Adam Levine is (and was that night), you can wait until my next post.

Owl City
Though I've never been a huge Owl City fan, I will say that the song "Fireflies" is insanely addicting and one of those songs that I can listen to over and over and over and over again and not really get sick of it. I mean, when it starts I'm like, "Crap, this song again." but I realize as the song is ending that I've listened to it yet again. So, Owl City is the first act and it was really cool since the lead singer is from Minnesota (the whole group may be, I'm not sure... I just know the lead singer is from Owatonna, I'm pretty sure.) So yeah, having a hometown boy opening for Maroon 5 was pretty awesome. I really enjoyed when they performed "Fireflies" cause they actually had everyone hold up their phones so it looked like there were fireflies throughout the entire Xcel Energy Center. Very cool. I didn't really know a lot of the other songs - just "Shooting Star" and "Good Time", which is always fun to sing and dance to, but considering the band mostly stayed in the background where you didn't really see them, the lead singer was able to keep everyone entertained by running our the stage (which was shaped like an "M").

Neon Trees
The next opening act was Neon Trees. I have their first CD, but not their newest - though, I will say I love, love, love "Everybody Talks". So, I would say I enjoy their music, but didn't really consider myself a fan. I was definitely more excited to see them than Owl City, but thought they would just be an opening act where I would know a couple more of their songs. One thing I didn't realize before the concert was that the girl is actually their drummer (I've seen pics of the band, but none of their videos or them actually performing.) That girl, I think her name is Elaine, is SO kickass. I adore her! She has an amazing voice and goes absolutely insane on the drums. Total props and admiration. Love her! Love the group! Love, love, love everything about them. The set was amazing and they were able to take their hits (such as "Animal" and "Everybody Talks") and add little inflections while being true to the radio version. I must say, the entire group was awesome, but it was really Elaine and the lead singer (Tyler?) who kept the crowd entertained. Tyler's dancing = jealousy-inducing. Yeah, it's that awesome. They also did a cover of "Don't You Want Me" which just made everyone's night - or, at least, should have.

Both of the opening acts did 30 min. sets with a 30 min. break between to redress the stage. Then, 30 min. after Neon Trees it was time for...

Maroon 5!!!!
Yes, there was ear-shattering screaming; and, though I have found that a lot of people aren't fans (I really don't get why not... but people make fun of my taste in music all of the time), I have been a fan since "Songs About Jane". I will say, until recently (and yes, perhaps by watching "The Voice" and finding that Adam not only has some amazingly good looks, but also has a pretty awesome personality made a big difference) I didn't have them on the top of my Concerts I Must Attend list, I have always purchased their CDs and love almost all of their songs. So, even though my expectations were pretty high (1. Because I haven't been to a concert in awhile, and 2. Because Neon Trees KILLED it just 30 min. prior) I was pleasantly surprised for sure. First off, Adam was great at giving the fans what we wanted - after the first song he stripped of his black (pretty sure it was) leather jacket and that just left him in a black t-shirt and (again, pretty sure) leather pants. Then after a few songs he took a towel to wipe of the sweat and threw it to the first row. (I'm pretty sure when he did that I heard the entire Xcel Energy Center collectively give a daydreaming sigh...) Their set was really well done - they started out with "Payphone" and then did a nice mix of old vs. new, ballads vs. upbeat. Near the end of their set they even had a bridge from the main stage to a mini stage in the middle of the floor were Jimmy V. (the lead guitarist) and Adam did an acoustic version of "She Will Be Loved"... this was done after Adam advised everyone that he thought men who attended Maroon 5 concerts were the smartest people in the world. (I believe his exact words after having all 18+ year old girls to scream were, "Gentlemen, start your engines.") Overall, I felt like they did a great job of making it feel like they were having a ton of fun and we were just part of the party. They actually performed "Stereo Hearts", too, and Adam even did the rapping normally done by Travie McCoy. I had a blast. They did the usual sing-a-longs and introducing of the band but their whole stage layout and everything just felt fresh to me (maybe I just haven't been to a concert in too long of a time.... luckily, I'm going to another in about a week-and-a-half!) It was fun. I haven't really been to a concert where it's an actual band. I have been to boy band concerts, singer-songwriter concerts, and my last concert was B.B. King. I guess the closest would've been David Garrett, but that concert was in a much smaller venue.

P!NK
So, as I mentioned above, I have another concert coming up in about a week-and-a-half and this is a concert I've been looking forward to for over a decade. (Yes, literally. I'm completely serious.) I'm actually going to this one with my mom and my sister so I'll be able to relive my favorite memories with them, but I may still document them... so, I lied. If you actually made it through this post, you may want to skip my next one, too cause I'm assuming it's going to be about the P!NK concert... though, I do have a few things from my life to update - but since I'm on a relatively long stretch right now (work-wise) I'm going to head to bed for the night... so maybe my next post with be about another concert or maybe I'll give you all a treat (yes, sarcasm) and write before then... only time will tell!!!

Night all of you boring people who actually read this stuff! haha. Just kidding. I do appreciate the support.

Peace and love!

Ahhh... New Year. Fresh Start?

Alright peeps,
    Well, believe it or not - one of my 2013 Intentions was to blog more... so, having my first blog post on the 50th day of the year is pretty good, right? I guess it depends on who you ask. I am proud to say that this is my second Intention that I've started though, which considering my list is about is long as my leg, probably isn't great; but, I still have 10 1/2 more months to do the rest. If you're wondering, the other one I've actually started is to cook more food for myself instead of eating out or going the the drive-thru. That Intention has gone really, really well so far (if I may say so myself). A lot of my other Intentions are the same as they are every other year, but since I'm not in the mood to feel like a failure right now - I'll mention those when I actually start them.... if I start them. One new thing that I did start but didn't intend on was becoming a mentor. Yep, that's right - when I got the call, I was almost more freaked out than when I was told I was going to be a Godparent. I don't understand people trusting me to be in other people's lives! I'm just kidding. Honestly, the mentoring thing isn't a huge deal. Basically, someone asked me to mentor a Sophomore from my old college as he is looking to major in a business field. I got to meet him early February and it was awesome. He's such a bright kid. When I was in college I had a mentor during my Junior year and we didn't keep in touch. I'm hoping that doesn't happen with my mentee as I look forward to watching him succeed and getting his dream job. Also, being a part of the program has started me thinking about what I want to do and what truly is MY dream job.... I'll keep you guys updated.
   On a completely different but sort of same topic, one of my best friends has recently gotten in contact with her birth mother. They've been sending letters back and forth and that is pretty awesome. Honestly, before now I haven't really thought about my birth family and whether or not I'd be interested in contacting them, but now... I don't know. I guess I still don't really feel a strong pull to get to know my birth family - but I guess I have thought about it a little. It's kind of cool that my friend gets to ask the questions she's had her whole life and actually getting the answers - but then again, I don't really have questions. I've been lucky enough to have a father, a mother, a sister, and now a brother... I guess I don't really feel like I missed out on anything. Not saying that my friend did miss out on anything, but I think maybe she felt like that a little bit... and I just don't. So, I guess it's not really something I'm interested in still... but if that changes... I'll keep you guys updated.
  Other than that, not a whole lot has changed since my last post. I'm still having a hard time figuring out who and what I want in my life - but everyone goes through that, right? (Damn you, emotional growing pains!) I'm just trying to focus on my 2013 Intentions List and making it through one day at a time. Today was just trying to check something off, get out a little internal talk, and now I'm going to watch some more "One Tree Hill", do some laundry, feed my cats,  and go to bed... next time hopefully I'll have something more worthwhile to say... I'll keep you updated.

Questioning Friendships...

So, I won't lie, numerous times (since my last post) I have come online, logged in, and thought, "I should really post something else" but I never did because I never felt like I had anything to say. I'm not saying I haven't had anything exciting happen since June - I just haven't felt the need to talk about it. I did run my first 5k in October and spent most of August and September "training" for it. I was pretty proud of myself with my time (39:33) considering I could barely walk a mile prior to training and I was sick the night before the race and lost 6 lbs. in 9 hours. (Use your imagination.) That week was also awesome because my best friend came to visit me for the first time in almost 4 years. We, of course, met in New Zealand and she had been there and Peru since her last visit so we weren't able to just hop in the car and visit each other. It was amazing to see her... until she left... when I cried... in public... but other than that, life has been pretty un-blogworthy. Unfortunately, the reason I'm posting now is because I have to get something off of my chest. It's something that's new and fresh and so my emotion on this post may be more raw than I would normally like to put out on the world wide web, but I have a feeling other have been through a similar situation and maybe they'll appreciate the fact that someone else is going through it... or maybe I'll just feel better for actually saying how I feel at this point in time. Plus, the whole 5k thing is a good segway... Anyway, hmm... I don't even know where to begin... When I ran the 5k, I was looking for someone to run it with me. I thought it would be fun to train together and make goals and meet our goals so I asked my best friend from high school to run it with me. I'm assuming if you know me you know exactly who I'm talking about, but if there are just random people who read this we're going to call her Stacey. So, Stacey and I were closer than sisters in high school, but lost touch when she started dating her until-recently-husband. (They're in the middle of their divorce as we speak...) Anyway, even after we lost touch, I obviously still cared about her and even called her on her wedding day (from New Zealand, no less). Anyway, years passed and we started talking again and even hanging out every once in awhile - hence why I asked her to run the 5k with me. Granted, the day after she agreed to run the 5k with me, she asked her husband for a divorce so her training didn't go so well and I admit, I was somewhat disappointed. I had asked her to do this with me so we would have a good memory together as adults - something that may be able to bring us closer together, but I understood that she had a lot going on in her life and eventually let it go. The day of the race, things went pretty well, but I still felt an unease with her. So, since the race, we've had a lot of discussions about our lives and our relationships - with each other and with other people - and just tried rebuilding a healthy friendship (cause we both admitted we had a pretty unhealthy, co-dependent friendship in high school)... Well, whatever, I'll get to the actual point so I can get to the even longer rant about what's actually on my mind... So a couple of days ago, I had finally had enough with Stacey when I realized that I was putting much, MUCH more into trying to rebuild our relationship (and people may think, "well, she is going through a divorce, she has more on her mind" but she already has a live-in boyfriend, so I don't think that's any excuse) and so I finally just said, "Ya know what? I'm done. I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of constantly worrying about you and the bad decisions you make and I'm sick of the fact that you talk to me and agree you're making bad decisions but do it anyway." and she didn't respond so in my mind, I was done with her. Literally, 100% done. Then the next day I get a text from her, "I'm sorry for being a shitty friend. I really appreciate everything you've done for me and I'm sorry about last night." (Paraphrase as I deleted all texts.) So, because I'm an idiot, I wrote back asking her what she wanted me to do with that information. I told her that I accepted her apology, but it didn't change anything and asked her why she felt the need to write it. She didn't text back... So I waited... and thought about it... and thought about it... and thought about it... and waited. During the wait, I found out a friend of mine's fried from high school is missing and believed to be murdered as there is a suspect in the case and while I was grieving for my other friend, I couldn't help but think of Stacey and how even though I'm "100% done with her", I would still be devastated if something like that happened to her. I would be out searching the ditches. I would be pretty distraught - and again, I can't lie, it made me more angry at her because I realized that her apology text was a manipulation to make her feel better (which is the type of shit she's pulled before). So, after much discussion with other friends and against their advice, I texted Stacey one last time to say how I was feeling. I pretty much said that after hearing about my other friend and what she was going through, I realized that I would never be able to forget Stacey and our history and that sort of sucked that she didn't value our friendship to make it work. I was angry and upset and I thought she was a manipulative bitch... and she texted me back with some random text message - and I know why, she was still manipulating me, she knew that I would respond (which I didn't) to her random text saying something like, "Are you really that stupid? Did you completely miss the point of that last text?" and then we would start talking again and then she would win........ (and now the rant) Since then it's made me think, how many other times has she manipulated me to get what she wants? I used to always think she was just ignorantly blissful because things that she wanted just happened to happen for her... always... but now, I'm wondering - maybe she really is just this mastermind manipulative bitch who has screwed everyone over (even the ones she claims to care about) to get what she wants. For example, her soon-to-be-ex husband was someone who never really wanted relationships, he didn't believe in them, he only wanted "friends with benefits" but still, they were married not too long after they started sleeping together... and obviously she didn't divorce him (or ask for the divorce) until she had someone lined up already... and throughout our friendship in high school, she dated two of my cousins, tried to date two other of my cousins, and I had gotten in numerous fights with family members defending her, and I helped her move out of her small town, I helped her go to college (I freaking took the ACT a second time so she didn't have to take it alone!). I mean, seriously, I went above and beyond for her numerous times and yet, back in high school, people used to always say that I was too controlling of her because she always played stupid - but I'm starting to wonder now, if she wasn't actually playing me the whole time. Did I seriously just underestimate her so much and just not give her enough credit to see this? The last couple of days, all I keep thinking of is the fact that she's played me over and over and over again for the last 10 years of my life. It makes me feel so stupid and it makes me question EVERY SINGLE LITTLE PIECE of our so-called friendship. The worst part about it - I'll never know the truth. Obviously you can't ask someone you think has manipulated you for the last decade if they've been manipulating you for the last decade - like they would tell you the truth, right? So here I am, just having to "let it go" as my other friend says... but I mean, think about the relationships in your life - the important ones, the ones you said would be forever... how would you feel if you had to question every part of it? Sure, I've had friendships in the past that didn't work out and everyone knows my first love didn't work out, but even then, I never - NEVER - questioned how sincere the friendship was... never. This is the first time and it has completely thrown me into a tailspin. My family always tells me that I am too good of a friend (and they don't mean it in a good way). I'm the type of friend who would literally die for you. I know people always say, "I'd take a bullet for them" but honestly, I would. I admit though, it would be for a selfish reason - because when it comes to my friends, (my closest, truest friends) I always feel like I wouldn't be able to live without them. Granted, that list will change from time to time, when people drift apart or you meet someone new (your new "BEST" friend) but obviously those people are always close to me. I remember when my best friend now was in NZ and the big earthquake hit Christchurch (where she was staying). It was exactly 18 hours between when I heard about the earthquake and when she finally called. I literally cried for probably 16 of those hours and slept for less than 30 min.; and, when I did sleep, I had the phone literally in my hand. It was horrible and I hope I never have to go through anything like that ever again... but now, after this whole Stacey fiasco, I'm starting to question all of my relationships - with friends, with family, with everyone. How do you know if a friendship is true? What happens when you will always care about the people in your life more than they care about you? What if I really did just waste the last 10 years of my life being emotionally invested into someone who was just using me for their benefit? I mean, I know I'm still young, but I spent 13 years hung up on my first love... and I'm only 26, do the math. I have literally wasted my life on people who didn't care about me and now I realize that though my first love didn't care about me, at least he was honest about it to my face, and that's much better than being strung along for a decade just to find out that it was all a lie and a manipulation in the end... and granted, obviously I don't know if it really was a lie and a manipulation, but I'll never know and the fact that I even have to question it should say a lot, right? Well, obviously for the last 20 sentences I've just been typing thoughts that pop into my head, so no one is probably still reading this blog post, but yeah... I can't say I feel better, but I did just have to get it off of my chest. I mean, I feel better from "saying" it, but I don't think anything will make me feel BETTER except for the truth - and, of course, that's not possible. So, here's to hoping the the relationships in my life right now are truer than those in the past. Here's to hoping that I meet someone who cares about me as much as I care about them (eventually)... and here's to endings and new beginnings in life... I've had many in the past, I'm sure I'll have plenty more... Thanks for anyone who reads this without judgement. I truly appreciate any and all support. Much love to you all and I will try my hardest to have a happier post next time. Happy Holidays!!! PEACE!

Share Everything

Another two months have passed without a blog post. Did you miss me? I know you did! I feel bad neglecting all of my avid readers (please read prior sentence with sarcastic tones in mind) but, actually, a lot has happened since my last post. Of course the biggest thing would be the day I gained a brother. No, my parents didn't finally adopt a boy like I've always wanted - my sister got married. Yes, I know, shocking since I haven't mentioned her wedding in any of my other posts (again, sarcasm). Anyway, that week was absolutely perfect and incredibly exhausting. My "second sister" was here though and that made everything that much better. For those of you who don't know, my second sister is Lora's friend, Nathalia,  from Chile. Lora and Nathalia met 13 years ago and have been best friends ever since - even with the distance. Nathalia has been a big part of all of our lives over the years, but I must say this time around I really realized how lucky we all are to have her in our lives. I know it's going to sound really corny, but I have rarely felt so blessed as I did on Lora's wedding day just seeing our family and everyone who loves and cares about Lora and Chris so much. There are so many amazing memories from that week that I can't possibly go into detail about them all here, but I seriously hope I never forget them or at least the grateful feelings they make me feel.

Okay, enough with the mushy stuff - onto the rest of my life. After Lora and Chris' wedding it was back to the grind for me. Though I took the week before the wedding off (and two days after the wedding), I very soon realized I should've taken the week after the wedding off and, of course, got sick. Thank goodness I was only sick for one day because two weeks after the wedding I was off to Chicago for training for a couple of days. Training was a lot of fun and I was able to meet and hang out with some awesome people. The main thing I learned on my trip? DON'T FLY DELTA. I also learned it's not smart to agree to travel on your day off when that means that you're about to embark on a 10-day, 100-hour work stretch. However, if you kick that work stretch's butt it feels pretty good; but, I probably wouldn't agree to it again. Then again, if I didn't fly Delta I wouldn't have worked as many hours so maybe I would.... so, again, main lesson learned? Everyone repeat after me. Don't fly Delta. Something awesome did come out of the long stretch of working, selling, and training though. Lora and I decided to upgrade because of the new Share Everything plans and I also bought myself a tablet. The new plans make it so cheap to have on my account that I couldn't resist... and I'm excited to announce that I have typed this whole blog post on my tablet. I admit, that is the main reason I decided to write today, I wanted to see how easy it is... it's pretty easy, though I think I may have written more if I was on my laptop - still, you all get the main jist of what's been going on in my life, right? And to be fair, I did just get it today. So, I'll be signing off soon, but first just a couple of quick remarks to some family and friends. First, I just want to send thoughts, prayers, and condolences to any of my family members who may be reading this. RIP Uncle Frank. Second, I want to give a big shout out to my Goddaughter Lillian Violet who turns one tomorrow!!! Happy Birthday, Lily!!! "Auntie" Ashley loves you soo much! Can't wait to see you!!! And third, I just want to send out a generic congratulations to all of my cousins, coworkers, and friends who have just had or are about to have a baby. I am so happy for you all, but please, for the love of all things holy - everyone stop getting preggers!!!!!!!!!!! haha

"Boys Over Flowers"

Wow! It's been almost six months since I last wrote. I bet most of you thought I was done with the blog, but alas, I'm not. I will admit upfront that I don't really have anything new and exciting to say even though it's been so long however. The last six months have mainly been me freaking out about money and boys, but since that's no fun, I'll tell you about the fun stuff.

Wedding Bell Bliss!
Well, as most of you know (or should if you've been reading my blog) my sister is getting married soon. So, a lot of the last six months have been centered around that. Lora and her fiancee have been working their butts off making everything about their wedding special by making everything themselves. (No, seriously - they're making EVERYTHING by themselves. And though I wish I could've been more help, I've been trying to figure out this whole Sales thing and money has been a bit tight... so, not a lot of eight-hour round-trips to go help them, if you know what I'm saying.) I did, however, help make the kid activity books, stuff the invitations, and  get my Bridesmaid dress order in on time and I was pretty proud of myself for that. I'm so excited to upload pics as I recently just finished the ensemble by purchasing my necklace and earrings.And even though I probably could upload pics early since my look isn't on lock-down... I can't because I don't actually have the dress yet. (Let's just say that with every wedding there are little incidents and this wedding is no different. Hopefully a third is not the charm for the first two were a bit much and time is running out!) I can't believe how fast it's coming up. Last weekend we had Lora's first Bridal Shower in Bird Island and this weekend was Lora's second Bridal Shower with her fiancee's side. (Unfortunately, I wasn't able to make it to the second because I had to work.) However, I did make it to Sioux Falls with Lora on Tuesday to learn how to bustle her dress. It was her final fitting and I must say she is going to look absolutely stunning - bustled and down. (Shout out to Lynn at The French Door - she is amazing at alterations.) So really, the only thing left to do is the Bachelorette Party (YEAH, BABY!) and the actual wedding... Such a scary thought....

On less scary wedding news, my cousin got married at the end of March and it was one heck of a Par-tay! It was definitely fun to get all crazy with the cousins and just have a good night of dancing, drinking, and a "Brooke Davis" shot. (Oh dear, did I just drop a One Tree Hill reference? Yes, yes I did. For those of you non-fans, a Brooke Davis shot is Grenadine and Tequila... don't try it, it tastes like vomit.)

"Boys Over Flowers"
The other thing that has taken up a lot of my free-time is that my friend, Susan, recently got me hooked on a Korean Drama (since sadly One Tree Hill had their series finale last month). The Korean Drama is called "Boys Over Flowers" (or at least that is what it translates to) and is quite addicting... for people who can stand the melodramatic acting. Fortunately for Susan - unfortunately for me - I love that crap so I've pretty much been watching that every free moment I can find for the last month or so. (The really sad part is that there are only 25 episodes and two special features but it's something I can watch over and over again... even if it is super cheesy.) So yeah, "Boys Over Flowers" (with the help of Susan) has sort of gotten me into this new Korean kick, so I'm trying to teach myself (again, with the help of Susan) some very basic Korean and maybe even learn how to cook some Korean food (which is amazing, right? I mean, considering I barely know how to cook American food...)

Misc.
Other than that, not too much has been going on. I've been working hard to juggle work with family/wedding stuff and so far I think things are going okay, which is good considering the wedding is right around the corner. I'm working hard on my development at work and hope to see the rewards for my hard work by the end of this year. I wish I had more time to see my friends back home and especially Joss and her family, but I'm so exhausted these days I barely know which way is up. (Plus, I've been eating like crap and not working out so I just feel half-awake most days.) So yeah, I'm working on a game plan and look forward to putting it in motion and part of that game plan is to blog more. I'm really trying to figure out what else to say since it's been so long, but between it being 12:05 a.m. and my crappy health, I can't think straight. I do have to mention that I feel very lucky to have spent Easter this year with my family and the Mertz/Finstrom/Carl clans and also to have been able to spend Tuesday with my sister as we were able to go to the Great Plains zoo together, which we haven't done in years and years. I also want to give a shout-out to my best friend, Kathryn, who sent me a love package from New Zealand recently and that was awesome.

Though I know I probably will lose track of time with the wedding only weeks away, I do hope to be able to write more. It's kind of therapeutic in a way....

Anyway, goodnight for now, world. See you in the morning.

Oh, P.S. for those of you who didn't know, in March I got braces... yes, braces... again... to straighten out my teeth.... again. I had braces when I was younger, but then my permanent retainer twisted and that was that. (As my orthodontist likes to say, "Ashley, you were made to have braces...again.") I'm getting them off before Lora's wedding though, so six weeks down... five to go... but I guess that is something new... though, not exciting...