So, I'm sure everyone at one point in time has felt like they hit "rock bottom" - and some of you have probably felt like Rachel on "FRIENDS". ("Yesterday I thought I hit rock bottom; but, now it's rock bottom, fifty feet of crap, and then me.") Life is funny like that. It can kick us when we're down, bring us back to reality when we're up, and sometimes Life can make us feel like it has won and we have lost. I'm sure "rock bottom" looks different to everyone - and, admittedly, I have had many times where I thought I hit my "rock bottom". However, I can feel confident in saying that Tuesday, July 5th, 2016. I truly saw me at my worst. I watched me hit my "rock bottom".
I say "I saw" and "I watched" because that day truly felt like an out of body experience; but, perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself. The 4th of July was awesome. The night before I had driven down to my sister's house after work - and then spent the day out on the patio: eating, drinking, and being merry with my family. We even had s'mores and "Grandma Vi Dessert" (which is Violet Liqueur and Prosecco, lovingly named for our Grandma). Then, after the fireworks that night I drove back to the Cities. Now, I'm not going to lie, I always have a hard time leaving my family to come back to the Cities. I'm quite close to my family. I always have been and I hope I always will be. So, it's hard to not be physically close to them.
I've also been watching Glee of Netflix. I'm not necessarily proud of that, but I remember a lot of my friends really enjoyed it when it was on TV. Being that I'm a little media obsessed, (movies, music, celebs, etc.) I was aware that Cory Monteith passed away during the filming of the show and before going to my sister's for the 4th, I knew I was getting close to the episode they filmed for him. So, perhaps the two things together - missing my family and thinking about the loss these actors and characters on the show would be facing soon - probably put me in a bit of a weakened place.
On the 5th, I guess one could say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Yes, I had gotten plenty of sleep, (which has been sort of rare lately - so maybe I can somewhat blame lack of sleep) I had a great drive home the night before, I felt ready for the day... yet, something wasn't right. By the time I got to work, I almost felt like I was watching myself more than actually living it. As work progressed, I became more frustrated. Frustrated with work and my colleagues; frustrated with friends and even my family; but, mostly, frustrated with myself. Around 5:30 p.m., I remember being so upset I went into our backroom and tried texting a couple of friends. The weird part, however, was that I felt almost as if I was watching it. I didn't feel like myself. I felt as if I was watching someone else living this life. It was such a weird mixture of feelings. As I watched, I felt angry that this girl wasn't connecting with the friends she so desperately needed; I felt annoyed watching this girl be so irritated with her work but not doing anything about it; I felt frustrated that I knew it was me but yet somehow couldn't make the connection; but, more than anything, I felt sorry. I felt sorry that all of this was happening and just wanted to end this girl's sad, pathetic existence.
Yes, for the first time in a long time, I actually thought of ending it. Just, ending it all. As I watched from this other perspective, I watched someone who wasn't strong enough to deal with the situations that she faced. This girl that I was watching kept pushing people away, kept settling with the idea that life had to be like this, and had no motivation to better her self or her world. I remembered coming home from work and being unable to choke down the food I bought for myself, I decided to take a bath. I sat in the bath for over an hour - just feeling absolutely numb. I didn't even feel like I was living. I was barely existing. Then, a thought from one of my favorite TV shows popped into my head, "I'm not here."
That line was said by a character named Jimmy Edwards on an episode of One Tree Hill. That line was said right before Jimmy Edwards turns a gun to his chest, pulls the trigger, and kills himself. As that thought went through my head, I jumped out of the tub and reached out to a friend that I knew would be awake. Even though he was someone I had been pushing away earlier in the day, I somehow knew he would be there for me; and, he was. He's one of those people who always says exactly what you need to hear. Perhaps that type of friend doesn't make the most solid foundation, but it was exactly what I needed that night. The next morning I woke up determined and ready to face the world as me; but, I realized as I watched myself the day earlier that I didn't know who I was. I didn't have an identity or any adjectives to define myself. So, my first order of business was to define myself...
Well, it's been a few days and though I've been determined to not hit my "rock bottom" again... I have come to realize that choosing an identity isn't that easy. As ridiculous as it may seem, even at 30, I'm realizing that I get 100% control on defining who I am. I may not get to choose how you see me, but I get to choose how I see myself. So, who am I? I don't know. The only thing I know right now - I'm a work in progress. I am a beautiful work in progress. I'm not perfect, but then again, I'm not aiming for perfection. There are things I know that I am: I'm funny. I'm smart. I'm creative. I'm talented. I'm loved. I'm insecure. I'm vulnerable. I'm an outgoing introvert. But, mostly, after this week - I know that I am strong. I am strong enough to face whatever may come my way. I am strong enough to hit "rock bottom" and to claw my way back up that long, steep hill. I am that strong. So, I may not know who I am, but I do know that I have plenty of time to figure it out.
Thursday, July 7, 2016
Saturday, April 16, 2016
An Open Letter...
Well, either I'm schizophrenic or I'm growing up. I definitely hope (and would like to believe) it's the latter. Today I was writing in my journal after having another hard week and had some realizations. I then decided I would like to blog about it in case anyone else has felt this way before - and just happened to read the last paragraph on my last blog post. Man, so much can change in a couple of weeks (hence why I do sometimes wonder the schizophrenia thing...) I'm not naive enough to believe that everything has suddenly changed and it'll be all rainbows and butterflies from here on out, but I do think I did have a small breakthrough on a few things. And, as I think more thoroughly about it, I realize those things are all interconnected - so perhaps it was a big breakthrough on a big thing.
In my last post, I was down because of a guy. I had once again put myself in a place where I wasn't happy and was blaming someone else for it - or at least my actions towards someone else. (I like to think at 30 I finally know that no one is in control of my happiness except for me.) I had pushed him away because... well, honestly I don't know why. Perhaps I made reasons in my last post, but "reasons" could easily be replaced by "excuses". Honestly, I pushed him away because of many reasons; I was scared, I was hurt, I was scared of being more hurt, I didn't know how to handle to situation, etc. and so forth. I'd like to say that this post comes because I swallowed my pride and he forgave me and everything worked out and so I'm in a good place now; but, that's not reality. Actually, I'm glad I can't say that - because it goes back to the fairy tales. Life isn't a fairy tale. Fairy tales teach us lessons, which is great; but, they also give a false idea of how the lesson is taught. (That's how I see it anyway.) This story, my story, definitely isn't the fairy tale - but ultimately the lessons are there.
"Nathan" and I did start talking again after my last post. I went all girl on him and did the whole: "please forgive me. I'm sorry I'm crazy..." and, surprisingly, he forgave me. Or, at least, he seemed to forgive me. We even hung out when he came to town earlier this week... and then, in true Ashley fashion, I freaked out. Again. I had finally hit rock bottom with everything. Not just with this guy, with everything. (This may come as a surprise cause, quite frankly, I've been through a lot harder stuff than the current stuff - but, truly, it felt like rock bottom.) I decided to give social media a little bit of a break - and since I don't really do anything on Instagram or Twitter, that basically meant I deactivated my Facebook account and logged out of Snapchat. Admittedly, I logged back into Snapchat the next day - but I've been off of Facebook now about three days and it has made a huge difference. However, between "Nathan" not talking to me again and no more Facebook, I had time to truly reflect on this rock bottom place for me - and this is when the light bulb turned on.
I've always been one of those girls who sit there and say, "I'm so glad I don't need a guy to define me." or "I'm so glad I've never needed a man to make me feel wanted." but then I met "Nathan" and I screwed up with him. A lot. And we've fought and stopped talking and started talking again and stopped talking again numerous times. And during those off times I'd go to my girl friends and whine and complain and pout and ask what I did wrong hoping they'd make me feel better. Sometimes they did. Sometimes they didn't. Anyway, I remember one time during the Nathan-and-I-aren't-talking-anymore periods I was talking to one of my friends and she said, "No offense, but maybe you were always like that because you never had a guy." which, at the time, pissed me off because it really hurt... and, honestly, because I knew she had a point. It was true. I had never had a guy who had made me feel wanted and I had never dated someone where I felt defined by that relationship so I could say things like that because I never had the opportunity to experience the flip side. So, this past week, being in one of those not-talking-anymore periods again, I started thinking about that again.
Now, this may be obvious to everyone else around me, but I'm finally able to put it into a way I can understand. I don't think it's necessarily that I don't like myself, but I think I've always judged my relationships (and when I say "relationships", I mean with everyone - family, friends, guys, etc.) on whether or not I was/am worthy of it. I always wanted to feel like I was worth the love and admiration/attention I was receiving. So, after a few bad friendships and the usual hardships with family, I think eventually I started to feel like I'm not worthy. Suddenly I felt as if I was not worth friendships or otherwise. I have even told a couple of my friends how I sometimes wish that more of my friends would be more "picky". I have felt like my friendship with someone isn't as important or special because they have so many other friends - and I have felt that with close friends and even some of my best friends. I now realize that the confidence I felt within those friendships was my only confidence - when the relationships in my life are shaky, so am I. I am fully defined by the relationships I have in my life and the older I get, the harder it is for those tight-knit friendships to stay so solid. Not that they're not as strong, but it's harder to see/talk to each other as often because life gets in the way. It's also not lost on me that the older I get, the more pressure I put on the idea of romantic relationships. Why am I not good enough for someone to like me much less love me? What's wrong with me? (I realize now I've stuck myself into a chicken/egg situation... at least I see it now.)
So, with "Nathan" it suddenly all makes sense. I had this attractive, educated, funny, athletic, popular guy start talking to me out of the blue and I suddenly thought maybe there was something in me that made me special. He would tell me things like he enjoyed talking to me, or that I was pretty, or that I mattered... and suddenly I believed that maybe I did have something to offer to the world - or, at least, something to offer to the people in the world... but eventually, I wanted more. I needed more. I needed that constant admiration (for lack of a better word) to keep feeling that sense of worth. Now, maybe I was acting so needy that I pushed him away or maybe he just realized he couldn't see himself with me or perhaps with was all just logistics and the long-distance thing, but eventually he stopped saying the things I needed to hear to feel worthy of his friendship. So, once again, I convinced myself that I'm not - and, in doing so, I probably convinced him, too. Of course, this has nothing to do with him and, like I said, life isn't a fairy tale - but at least the lesson is learned. The only thing that scares me now is how to break the cycle. It may be too late with "Nathan" to salvage a decent friendship. Of course, I hope that's not the case, but if it is I need to be able to learn from the experience.
So here - an open letter to those who have been in my life and stuck around:
Dear Friend,
First off, I apologize for the times I may have driven you crazy or been too self-centered or used you in any way. I want you to know that I have never intentionally wanted to hurt you or had any malicious intent behind my actions. If I have hurt you, please know how sorry I am. I realize now what it means to be a "Work In Progress" and I feel quite certain that that is the meaning of life. So, second, thank you for allowing me to be who I am. I hope I have never given you a reason to doubt who you are. I'm sorry if I never told you how amazing you are (because you are), but if I did, know that I truly believe it. I feel blessed to have you in my life and I'm here for you if you need anything. Thank you for helping me feel a sense of worth.
In my last post, I was down because of a guy. I had once again put myself in a place where I wasn't happy and was blaming someone else for it - or at least my actions towards someone else. (I like to think at 30 I finally know that no one is in control of my happiness except for me.) I had pushed him away because... well, honestly I don't know why. Perhaps I made reasons in my last post, but "reasons" could easily be replaced by "excuses". Honestly, I pushed him away because of many reasons; I was scared, I was hurt, I was scared of being more hurt, I didn't know how to handle to situation, etc. and so forth. I'd like to say that this post comes because I swallowed my pride and he forgave me and everything worked out and so I'm in a good place now; but, that's not reality. Actually, I'm glad I can't say that - because it goes back to the fairy tales. Life isn't a fairy tale. Fairy tales teach us lessons, which is great; but, they also give a false idea of how the lesson is taught. (That's how I see it anyway.) This story, my story, definitely isn't the fairy tale - but ultimately the lessons are there.
"Nathan" and I did start talking again after my last post. I went all girl on him and did the whole: "please forgive me. I'm sorry I'm crazy..." and, surprisingly, he forgave me. Or, at least, he seemed to forgive me. We even hung out when he came to town earlier this week... and then, in true Ashley fashion, I freaked out. Again. I had finally hit rock bottom with everything. Not just with this guy, with everything. (This may come as a surprise cause, quite frankly, I've been through a lot harder stuff than the current stuff - but, truly, it felt like rock bottom.) I decided to give social media a little bit of a break - and since I don't really do anything on Instagram or Twitter, that basically meant I deactivated my Facebook account and logged out of Snapchat. Admittedly, I logged back into Snapchat the next day - but I've been off of Facebook now about three days and it has made a huge difference. However, between "Nathan" not talking to me again and no more Facebook, I had time to truly reflect on this rock bottom place for me - and this is when the light bulb turned on.
I've always been one of those girls who sit there and say, "I'm so glad I don't need a guy to define me." or "I'm so glad I've never needed a man to make me feel wanted." but then I met "Nathan" and I screwed up with him. A lot. And we've fought and stopped talking and started talking again and stopped talking again numerous times. And during those off times I'd go to my girl friends and whine and complain and pout and ask what I did wrong hoping they'd make me feel better. Sometimes they did. Sometimes they didn't. Anyway, I remember one time during the Nathan-and-I-aren't-talking-anymore periods I was talking to one of my friends and she said, "No offense, but maybe you were always like that because you never had a guy." which, at the time, pissed me off because it really hurt... and, honestly, because I knew she had a point. It was true. I had never had a guy who had made me feel wanted and I had never dated someone where I felt defined by that relationship so I could say things like that because I never had the opportunity to experience the flip side. So, this past week, being in one of those not-talking-anymore periods again, I started thinking about that again.
Now, this may be obvious to everyone else around me, but I'm finally able to put it into a way I can understand. I don't think it's necessarily that I don't like myself, but I think I've always judged my relationships (and when I say "relationships", I mean with everyone - family, friends, guys, etc.) on whether or not I was/am worthy of it. I always wanted to feel like I was worth the love and admiration/attention I was receiving. So, after a few bad friendships and the usual hardships with family, I think eventually I started to feel like I'm not worthy. Suddenly I felt as if I was not worth friendships or otherwise. I have even told a couple of my friends how I sometimes wish that more of my friends would be more "picky". I have felt like my friendship with someone isn't as important or special because they have so many other friends - and I have felt that with close friends and even some of my best friends. I now realize that the confidence I felt within those friendships was my only confidence - when the relationships in my life are shaky, so am I. I am fully defined by the relationships I have in my life and the older I get, the harder it is for those tight-knit friendships to stay so solid. Not that they're not as strong, but it's harder to see/talk to each other as often because life gets in the way. It's also not lost on me that the older I get, the more pressure I put on the idea of romantic relationships. Why am I not good enough for someone to like me much less love me? What's wrong with me? (I realize now I've stuck myself into a chicken/egg situation... at least I see it now.)
So, with "Nathan" it suddenly all makes sense. I had this attractive, educated, funny, athletic, popular guy start talking to me out of the blue and I suddenly thought maybe there was something in me that made me special. He would tell me things like he enjoyed talking to me, or that I was pretty, or that I mattered... and suddenly I believed that maybe I did have something to offer to the world - or, at least, something to offer to the people in the world... but eventually, I wanted more. I needed more. I needed that constant admiration (for lack of a better word) to keep feeling that sense of worth. Now, maybe I was acting so needy that I pushed him away or maybe he just realized he couldn't see himself with me or perhaps with was all just logistics and the long-distance thing, but eventually he stopped saying the things I needed to hear to feel worthy of his friendship. So, once again, I convinced myself that I'm not - and, in doing so, I probably convinced him, too. Of course, this has nothing to do with him and, like I said, life isn't a fairy tale - but at least the lesson is learned. The only thing that scares me now is how to break the cycle. It may be too late with "Nathan" to salvage a decent friendship. Of course, I hope that's not the case, but if it is I need to be able to learn from the experience.
So here - an open letter to those who have been in my life and stuck around:
Dear Friend,
First off, I apologize for the times I may have driven you crazy or been too self-centered or used you in any way. I want you to know that I have never intentionally wanted to hurt you or had any malicious intent behind my actions. If I have hurt you, please know how sorry I am. I realize now what it means to be a "Work In Progress" and I feel quite certain that that is the meaning of life. So, second, thank you for allowing me to be who I am. I hope I have never given you a reason to doubt who you are. I'm sorry if I never told you how amazing you are (because you are), but if I did, know that I truly believe it. I feel blessed to have you in my life and I'm here for you if you need anything. Thank you for helping me feel a sense of worth.
Monday, April 4, 2016
The Return
Wow. Looking at my blog "Overview" it's been almost two years since my last post. I'd love to be able to say that I've returned because I realized I have something to offer to you and the world and had to share; but, alas, I find myself in a very dark place today and needed an outlet. That also means I won't be giving you a full update on me and what I've been up to the last two years; unless it directly relates to said dark place, which, I suppose, a lot of it does.
The great thing about social media (Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc.) is that it allows a person to express his or her self. It is also a great way to keep up with friends and family that one may not see very often in "real life". The downside? Well, don't get me started. There's always the double-edged sword; and considering where the world is today (especially the U.S.) it seems that social media is now more about *blank*-shaming (please, fill in the blank however you see fit: fat, thin, slut, dumb, cat, dog, etc.), updating everyone on your fitness goals (GAINS), making your political views known (normally in a hateful and ignorant way - regardless of what side you're on... again, refer back to the *blank*-shaming comment), trying to make others jealous of your life, or, for some of us, it's a place where we cry out for help hoping our "friends" will respond with the right words or in the right way. I really don't want to be that person... but, I'm starting to feel like I need to be. So, instead, I've decided to write about it and people can decide to read or not.
As I said earlier, I'm not going to spend this post updating you on the last two years of my life. However, the last year - and especially the last six months - have been pretty tough. I don't like to really say that because I feel like it's me trying to make excuses, but looking back on it, it has been tough. Last year (2015) in February, I started getting sick. It first started with the normal cold/flu and then progressed into issues of vomiting, nausea and eventually moved on to weakness, fatigue, and ridiculous joint pain. Suddenly it was like I was a teen again - spending most of the year trying to figure out what was causing all of these issues just to be told that I was overweight and it was all somatic. (For those of you not in a medical profession - it basically equals being fat and crazy.) That was pretty tough to handle. It's hard to be physically ill and then have everyone tell you it's all in your head. (If this hasn't specifically happened to you, trust me. It sucks.)
Then, later last year (around October) I started having some issues with the relationships in my life. Friends, and even family, were starting to make me question what I wanted out of my relationships; and made me wonder whether history or the same last name gave people the right to treat me in certain ways. During that time, as I was still dealing with the physical issues as well, I hoped and, reluctantly, even prayed that I would meet someone to help me through such a hard year... and through a very weird turn of events, I did. No, it's not some fairy tale romance where Prince Charming came and swept me off of my feet; but, he was a bright spot in the dark days I was going through. Though he never really said it, I think he was going through a somewhat hard and transitional time when we started talking. So, it was nice. It quickly became routine for us to talk every day and I quickly became attached. Perhaps it was the hoping and praying, but I put a lot of stock into the idea of this guy.
The new year brought along new problems. I turned 30 mid-January and I can't even lie - I totally had a pre-birthday crisis. The idea of beginning a new decade in my life had me looking back to the last 10 years and I didn't really like what I saw. I was, and am, pretty much still in the exact same place I was when I was 20. I still live in an apartment, it's just now I go to work instead of school. I still haven't had a relationship and haven't really dated. At all. And I still have a lot of issues with friends. Making friends, yes; but, for me, it's even harder keeping friends. I just feel very emotionally immature for my age. I think a lot of us believe that our 20s are the time to figure out what we want to do and who we want to be; but, by the time we're 30, we should be settled down. Suddenly it's time for us to adult. Now, through life experience I know that's not true for a lot of people. Still, it was hard for me to feel like I had failed at that goal. Suddenly 30 was upon me and I still felt as lost as ever.
Now, if you can't tell, and for some reason you're reading this but don't actually know me, you've probably noticed a couple of things. First, I am a huge over-user of commas. Sorry, I type like I talk and for me commas go where I would pause. Second, the relationships in my life are my number one priority. One of my friends said the other day that I'm not happy unless the people around me are happy, which is somewhat accurate. I enjoy being someone people feel like they can go to and I'm ridiculously loyal to the people in my life. That, however, causes some issues with feeling used from time to time (see paragraph above issue of having friends and even family sometimes treat me worse than I would want...). Also, as I mentioned above, because of health issues and just having other priorities I don't have a lot of experience with dating or romantic relationships. This brings us back to the fore-mentioned guy. (Let's refer to him as Nathan from here on out... and that's purely because I've been re-watching One Tree Hill lately.)
So, through this pre-birthday crisis, Nathan and I had been talking. A lot. But, by this time, we had already agreed that dating/a relationship was not in our future. Basically he was long distance and was also hell-bent against long distance relationships. And I get it... or at least I keep saying that I get it. We would only get to see each other maybe once a month or once every two months and it would only be for a few hours. It would suck trying to have a relationship over the phone; however, on the same hand, we sort of (in my mind, anyway) acted like we were together. We conversed every day - from the "Good morning" texts to the "Goodnight" ones. Yeah, admittedly I was pretty smitten; but, he got out of his hard time transitional period a lot faster than I did and then there was a change. For me, it felt sudden. Suddenly he was hanging out with friends and didn't have time to talk. He started to get annoyed at me and, one could say, the honeymoon stage was over... now, in the last few weeks or so, it's just gotten bad with him.
This change hasn't been as sudden. Of course, after the honeymoon stage is over and it's agreed that there wouldn't be a relationship, things just fall into the high school crush place. Then, when I get into the high school crush place, it's just a matter of time before things implode. Most of the reason why I wanted to write today was because I ended things today and I've been really feeling bad about it... but now that I get to the things I wanted to say, I suddenly don't know how to say it. Some of you, if there is still a "you" reading this, may know of whom I'm talking about and if you do, just know it's nothing he did. He's still a really great guy. But, that's a lot of the problem, isn't it? "Nathan" is the popular, attractive, ambitious, educated jock. He's also very kind and wants to be there for the people in his life. It's just, recently, I finally realized that I felt like I needed him to be there for me and I hadn't earned that place in his life yet.
I tend to have this issue with feeling like things should be black and white. I don't really like grey areas. Actually, I hate grey areas. I like to have things labeled and I like to know where things are going. I mean, it's even like, if I'm going to watch a movie - it better have an ending. If it doesn't, I better know there's going to be a trilogy or whatever. I tend to research shows I'm watching on Netflix to see if they had actual endings or if it just got canceled and left the viewers hanging. If it did, I tend to not watch. Everything in my life is black or white, right or wrong, ends well or doesn't. This could be why I don't really date. I hate that ambiguous feeling. There was a lot of ambiguous feelings with Nathan. So, I finally had to end it. Black. Labeled. Done.
Now, I sit with the aftermath. The regret. The "what-ifs". The things left unsaid; but, girls like me don't end up with guys like him. I've said that to a couple of my friends today and, of course, they yell at me and tell me I need to have better self-esteem and I can't feel that way about myself; but, when do we finally get to an age where we have to accept reality? Why do we teach ourselves to believe in the fairy tales? Isn't it just false hope? Where is the line between reality and negativity? I feel like that line gets more and more blurred with where society is these days. Am I just too jaded or am I just too real? Perhaps a bit a both. Let's face it, I've always been a bit cynical. But, what do my actions today tell me? Probably that I'll constantly ruin things for myself because I'd rather end things and cause the hurt than to wait for it just to happen. Still, I think all I've ever really wanted was to feel like matter to someone. I just want to know that there's someone out there who thinks of me when he/she wakes up. I want that feeling that I can go to that person no matter what the issue and he/she will want to help me. Always. I'm sick of giving people priority in my life and not having that reciprocated - so is it so bad to push them away? Probably; because then I'm just going to end up alone. I know what people will say to me if they read this - that's why I didn't put this on my social media. Ultimately, I don't want answers to the questions. I don't want the little motivating and uplifting sayings. I don't want the lies that people are there for me. I just want what I want.
The great thing about social media (Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc.) is that it allows a person to express his or her self. It is also a great way to keep up with friends and family that one may not see very often in "real life". The downside? Well, don't get me started. There's always the double-edged sword; and considering where the world is today (especially the U.S.) it seems that social media is now more about *blank*-shaming (please, fill in the blank however you see fit: fat, thin, slut, dumb, cat, dog, etc.), updating everyone on your fitness goals (GAINS), making your political views known (normally in a hateful and ignorant way - regardless of what side you're on... again, refer back to the *blank*-shaming comment), trying to make others jealous of your life, or, for some of us, it's a place where we cry out for help hoping our "friends" will respond with the right words or in the right way. I really don't want to be that person... but, I'm starting to feel like I need to be. So, instead, I've decided to write about it and people can decide to read or not.
As I said earlier, I'm not going to spend this post updating you on the last two years of my life. However, the last year - and especially the last six months - have been pretty tough. I don't like to really say that because I feel like it's me trying to make excuses, but looking back on it, it has been tough. Last year (2015) in February, I started getting sick. It first started with the normal cold/flu and then progressed into issues of vomiting, nausea and eventually moved on to weakness, fatigue, and ridiculous joint pain. Suddenly it was like I was a teen again - spending most of the year trying to figure out what was causing all of these issues just to be told that I was overweight and it was all somatic. (For those of you not in a medical profession - it basically equals being fat and crazy.) That was pretty tough to handle. It's hard to be physically ill and then have everyone tell you it's all in your head. (If this hasn't specifically happened to you, trust me. It sucks.)
Then, later last year (around October) I started having some issues with the relationships in my life. Friends, and even family, were starting to make me question what I wanted out of my relationships; and made me wonder whether history or the same last name gave people the right to treat me in certain ways. During that time, as I was still dealing with the physical issues as well, I hoped and, reluctantly, even prayed that I would meet someone to help me through such a hard year... and through a very weird turn of events, I did. No, it's not some fairy tale romance where Prince Charming came and swept me off of my feet; but, he was a bright spot in the dark days I was going through. Though he never really said it, I think he was going through a somewhat hard and transitional time when we started talking. So, it was nice. It quickly became routine for us to talk every day and I quickly became attached. Perhaps it was the hoping and praying, but I put a lot of stock into the idea of this guy.
The new year brought along new problems. I turned 30 mid-January and I can't even lie - I totally had a pre-birthday crisis. The idea of beginning a new decade in my life had me looking back to the last 10 years and I didn't really like what I saw. I was, and am, pretty much still in the exact same place I was when I was 20. I still live in an apartment, it's just now I go to work instead of school. I still haven't had a relationship and haven't really dated. At all. And I still have a lot of issues with friends. Making friends, yes; but, for me, it's even harder keeping friends. I just feel very emotionally immature for my age. I think a lot of us believe that our 20s are the time to figure out what we want to do and who we want to be; but, by the time we're 30, we should be settled down. Suddenly it's time for us to adult. Now, through life experience I know that's not true for a lot of people. Still, it was hard for me to feel like I had failed at that goal. Suddenly 30 was upon me and I still felt as lost as ever.
Now, if you can't tell, and for some reason you're reading this but don't actually know me, you've probably noticed a couple of things. First, I am a huge over-user of commas. Sorry, I type like I talk and for me commas go where I would pause. Second, the relationships in my life are my number one priority. One of my friends said the other day that I'm not happy unless the people around me are happy, which is somewhat accurate. I enjoy being someone people feel like they can go to and I'm ridiculously loyal to the people in my life. That, however, causes some issues with feeling used from time to time (see paragraph above issue of having friends and even family sometimes treat me worse than I would want...). Also, as I mentioned above, because of health issues and just having other priorities I don't have a lot of experience with dating or romantic relationships. This brings us back to the fore-mentioned guy. (Let's refer to him as Nathan from here on out... and that's purely because I've been re-watching One Tree Hill lately.)
So, through this pre-birthday crisis, Nathan and I had been talking. A lot. But, by this time, we had already agreed that dating/a relationship was not in our future. Basically he was long distance and was also hell-bent against long distance relationships. And I get it... or at least I keep saying that I get it. We would only get to see each other maybe once a month or once every two months and it would only be for a few hours. It would suck trying to have a relationship over the phone; however, on the same hand, we sort of (in my mind, anyway) acted like we were together. We conversed every day - from the "Good morning" texts to the "Goodnight" ones. Yeah, admittedly I was pretty smitten; but, he got out of his hard time transitional period a lot faster than I did and then there was a change. For me, it felt sudden. Suddenly he was hanging out with friends and didn't have time to talk. He started to get annoyed at me and, one could say, the honeymoon stage was over... now, in the last few weeks or so, it's just gotten bad with him.
This change hasn't been as sudden. Of course, after the honeymoon stage is over and it's agreed that there wouldn't be a relationship, things just fall into the high school crush place. Then, when I get into the high school crush place, it's just a matter of time before things implode. Most of the reason why I wanted to write today was because I ended things today and I've been really feeling bad about it... but now that I get to the things I wanted to say, I suddenly don't know how to say it. Some of you, if there is still a "you" reading this, may know of whom I'm talking about and if you do, just know it's nothing he did. He's still a really great guy. But, that's a lot of the problem, isn't it? "Nathan" is the popular, attractive, ambitious, educated jock. He's also very kind and wants to be there for the people in his life. It's just, recently, I finally realized that I felt like I needed him to be there for me and I hadn't earned that place in his life yet.
I tend to have this issue with feeling like things should be black and white. I don't really like grey areas. Actually, I hate grey areas. I like to have things labeled and I like to know where things are going. I mean, it's even like, if I'm going to watch a movie - it better have an ending. If it doesn't, I better know there's going to be a trilogy or whatever. I tend to research shows I'm watching on Netflix to see if they had actual endings or if it just got canceled and left the viewers hanging. If it did, I tend to not watch. Everything in my life is black or white, right or wrong, ends well or doesn't. This could be why I don't really date. I hate that ambiguous feeling. There was a lot of ambiguous feelings with Nathan. So, I finally had to end it. Black. Labeled. Done.
Now, I sit with the aftermath. The regret. The "what-ifs". The things left unsaid; but, girls like me don't end up with guys like him. I've said that to a couple of my friends today and, of course, they yell at me and tell me I need to have better self-esteem and I can't feel that way about myself; but, when do we finally get to an age where we have to accept reality? Why do we teach ourselves to believe in the fairy tales? Isn't it just false hope? Where is the line between reality and negativity? I feel like that line gets more and more blurred with where society is these days. Am I just too jaded or am I just too real? Perhaps a bit a both. Let's face it, I've always been a bit cynical. But, what do my actions today tell me? Probably that I'll constantly ruin things for myself because I'd rather end things and cause the hurt than to wait for it just to happen. Still, I think all I've ever really wanted was to feel like matter to someone. I just want to know that there's someone out there who thinks of me when he/she wakes up. I want that feeling that I can go to that person no matter what the issue and he/she will want to help me. Always. I'm sick of giving people priority in my life and not having that reciprocated - so is it so bad to push them away? Probably; because then I'm just going to end up alone. I know what people will say to me if they read this - that's why I didn't put this on my social media. Ultimately, I don't want answers to the questions. I don't want the little motivating and uplifting sayings. I don't want the lies that people are there for me. I just want what I want.
Thursday, May 22, 2014
To find my new passion and start again...
So, normally when I haven't written for awhile I go over the past and what I've been up to since my last post. I want this time to be different. Lately I've been doing a lot of reading and even more thinking. I've also been trying a bit of online dating and a question that every dating site asks (yes, I've been on more than one) is: How ambitious are you? Now, I normally answer that I'm quite ambitious. I mean, I have a college degree. I've been to New Zealand. I have a good job. However, when I think of my life now - am I really ambitious? Am I ambitious at all? And I have realized, to be ambitious - you need a goal. Anyone can say they have a "strong desire to succeed" but, what is success? If you don't have a goal, how can you achieve it? How can you be successful? I've also been thinking a lot about passion. Being passionate. I don't know if you've noticed, but passion is sexy. As everyone who knows anything about me knows - I'm absolutely obsessed with Nitro Circus. Why? Because passion is sexy. The idea that these guys and gals took something that they loved to do, worked their asses off, and make risking their lives look easy is sexy. And they did it because they loved it! They love to entertain. They love to push themselves past the limit. And I'm not saying that I want to risk my life or anything, but I don't feel passionate about anything like that. I'm passionate about the relationships in my life, but I've never taken a passion and made it a talent. Does that make sense? It doesn't even have to be a talent - but I've never been passionate about something and felt accomplished in it. For example, I always wanted to write a book - that's partly where the idea where this blog came from, but I don't even have that many posts on this blog - and I have much less written for a book. Another example, my sister. She's passionate about running and therefore has taken that passion and accomplished something - running a marathon. Yes, I have done a 5k, but I didn't even run the entire thing! (I know, I did have food poisoning, which yes, I'm using as a valid excuse - but still, I could've run plenty others since then and yet I haven't.) I also used to enjoy drawing, but haven't done that in such a long time either. Therefore, it is time that I find a new passion and set a new goal.
Earlier this month I wanted to start drinking more water and though I haven't been drinking is much as I want, I have definitely been drinking more. Tomorrow, I'm going to start "oil pulling". If you haven't heard of it, look it up. I'll let you know how it goes. I've also been wanting to read more, which is actually going okay - but I would really love to read more of the classics as opposed to the "fluff" books I'm currently reading. Although, I did find an article about "The 16 Books to Read Before They Hit Theaters This Year" and so I think I'll finish that first. I've actually read a couple of them already so hopefully I can read those and then jump into some of the classics. If anyone has any suggestions (fluff, classic, or in between), please comment them below. I know I also spoke about (was that on this blog? I'm pretty sure it was...) how I want to be more financially healthy this year on top of being physically healthy - so since I haven't really done that New Year's "resolution", I guess I should start that, too. Seriously.
I guess these aren't really passions; but, they are something I can set goals for and maybe find a passion from them. Perhaps my ultimate goal is finding my passion. Until then, my little goals are going to include:
Earlier this month I wanted to start drinking more water and though I haven't been drinking is much as I want, I have definitely been drinking more. Tomorrow, I'm going to start "oil pulling". If you haven't heard of it, look it up. I'll let you know how it goes. I've also been wanting to read more, which is actually going okay - but I would really love to read more of the classics as opposed to the "fluff" books I'm currently reading. Although, I did find an article about "The 16 Books to Read Before They Hit Theaters This Year" and so I think I'll finish that first. I've actually read a couple of them already so hopefully I can read those and then jump into some of the classics. If anyone has any suggestions (fluff, classic, or in between), please comment them below. I know I also spoke about (was that on this blog? I'm pretty sure it was...) how I want to be more financially healthy this year on top of being physically healthy - so since I haven't really done that New Year's "resolution", I guess I should start that, too. Seriously.
I guess these aren't really passions; but, they are something I can set goals for and maybe find a passion from them. Perhaps my ultimate goal is finding my passion. Until then, my little goals are going to include:
- Running another 5k (I'm signed up for The Color Run in July)
- I'm hoping that will help me lose 20 lbs. by the NYC trip (This is in August and basically I don't want to be sweating and feeling miserable as I run around the City - I'm going to see my first show on Broadway!)
- Make myself a budget so I can travel more or perhaps buy a new car this year. (The poor Malibu is getting very close to retirement.)
- Finish reading my article books by the end of the year. (So far I've read 2 of 16)
- Start writing my own book. (It's time.)
- Learn Spanish. (I'm thinking of getting Rosetta Stone.)
Sunday, December 8, 2013
Where does the Time go?
So, another year is coming to an end. I can't believe it's been 9 months (almost to the day!) since my last post. So much has happened - I almost can't even think about it! Therefore, we're going to break it down month-by-month to get you caught up. (Not that any of you were holding your breath waiting for the update, but it's a good way for me to reminisce on my year.)
March
I left you in March shortly after my amazing experience at the Maroon 5 concert and right before the mind-boggling, awe-inspiring, indescribable experience at my first P!NK concert. It was her "The Truth About Love" Tour and.... yeah, if you weren't lucky enough to see it - I'm sorry. Let's put it this way - a few days after my mom, sister, and I attended her concert - I bought tickets for my sister, brother-in-law, and I to go to the extended leg of the tour. (The concert was supposed to be in November, but because of a vocal rest it was postponed until January and we won't be able to go.... I'm super bummed... but I'm grateful I got to see it at least once. The concert was on Epix this weekend though so I'm hoping it'll be released on DVD.) She is just so talented. She can sing (duh), dance, do acrobatics, and she is just an amazing person all around. Lora, my sister, really enjoyed the fact that she didn't want to swear because she saw there were young children in the audience so she sang the edited versions of all of her songs.
April
April brought on a few big changes to my life - I decided to add another furry four-legged child and got a dog. One of my cousin's has a Shih Tzu whom she recently started breeding and though I wanted one of the puppies from her first litter - it just didn't work out with my living situation at the time; so, I decided to get one of the puppies from the second litter. I felt like this was the right time for me and had everything in line (or so I thought) so I told my cousin I would take one and then all hell broke loose. As I've mentioned before, I lived with my great-aunt and rented out her basement and though we discussed (thoroughly) about me getting one of the puppies, she changed her mind once the decision was final... so, I moved out. There was a lot of family drama and I realized that it would be best for me to have my own place anyway. So, in late April me and "the kids" moved to a studio apartment in Burnsville.
May
May was spent settling in to the new place and getting used to having a puppy in my life. The last time I had a puppy in my life was in 3rd grade when we got our Dakota. Of course back then my parents did all of the hard work - so taking care of Percy was definitely a new experience. Though I loved my pupper and enjoyed the challenge, it did make me realize I would never want kids - I like my sleep too much.
June
By the time June came around, I felt like we had a pretty good routine. I was liking my new apartment a lot (though I was NOT a fan of the management) and "the kids" were starting to get along a little better. (I think the cats realized the Percy wasn't going to go away anytime soon.) Of course during this time I was still working at AV and though I enjoyed my colleagues, I wasn't sure about my job. I really wanted to take the next step but wasn't sure I would have the opportunity and started looking for a new job.
July
In July, I was approached by my manager about an interim opportunity in Mankato for an assistant manager position. Of course it would just be temporary, but it sounded like a good way to get me to the next step. My manager advised that he thought it would be good for me - but would be a lot of hard work since I would be commuting. Still, I decided to risk it and apply; and, I got the job! Shortly after I started in mid-July, the other assistant stepped down which meant even longer hours as we were now down a manager. That meant that "the kids" were shipped to Mom and Dad's as I was working up to 20 hours a day when you include the commute. (It wasn't all work though, I did get the chance to attend The Package Tour with Dad on July 20th and took part of my first Color Run on July 14th. Both amazing experiences. I had so much fun with both and our seats at the concert were the best I've ever had. Nine rows from the floor!)
August and September were pretty much a blur. I spent both months commuting between Burnsville, Mankato, Olivia, and eventually Jackson as Mom and Dad moved to a new house at the end of September.
October
In October I was offered an official Assistant Manager position with Mankato, which was exciting and terrifying all at the same time. As I had just signed a lease in Burnsville in April, it was a hard decision but I finally decided to accept. That meant mid-to-end of October was spent finding a place to live (on top of working long hours...) October 19th I finally got a break though when Dad, Mom, Lora, Chris (my brother-in-law), and Bruce (a cousin) flew down to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico for a week-long vacation. Luckily I found a place shortly before we left so I could have a completely stress-free week.
November
As soon as we got back from Mexico it was off to pack up at Burnsville and prepare the apartment in Mankato. (I found a place through a friend of the family and let's just say it needed a little TLC.) I moved into the new apartment in mid-November and have been slowly working on it ever since. It also didn't help that I found out my pacemaker was conking out after 8 years and needed to be replaced. I had my pacemaker generator replaced two days before Thanksgiving - and though I had a great doctor and a lot of love and care from my family, recovery did not go as smoothly as expected. It kept me out of work a little longer than I was expecting and put a bit of a damper on getting the apartment together - but it's coming along nicely and I do like it a lot.
Now I'm just typing a quick update as I watch the Saints vs. Panthers game at Mom and Dad's in Jackson. I came home to pick up "the kids" as Mom and Dad were stuck watching them while I recuperated. I better get going though as it's been snowing all day and it's probably going to be a long drive home.
Wish me luck. Thanks for reading the update.
I promise I'll be back on before nine months have passed (cause I miss so much otherwise - plus, I have some big stuff coming up in January like NITRO CIRCUS LIVE!!!)
Talk to you then. Thanks again!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
March
I left you in March shortly after my amazing experience at the Maroon 5 concert and right before the mind-boggling, awe-inspiring, indescribable experience at my first P!NK concert. It was her "The Truth About Love" Tour and.... yeah, if you weren't lucky enough to see it - I'm sorry. Let's put it this way - a few days after my mom, sister, and I attended her concert - I bought tickets for my sister, brother-in-law, and I to go to the extended leg of the tour. (The concert was supposed to be in November, but because of a vocal rest it was postponed until January and we won't be able to go.... I'm super bummed... but I'm grateful I got to see it at least once. The concert was on Epix this weekend though so I'm hoping it'll be released on DVD.) She is just so talented. She can sing (duh), dance, do acrobatics, and she is just an amazing person all around. Lora, my sister, really enjoyed the fact that she didn't want to swear because she saw there were young children in the audience so she sang the edited versions of all of her songs.
April
April brought on a few big changes to my life - I decided to add another furry four-legged child and got a dog. One of my cousin's has a Shih Tzu whom she recently started breeding and though I wanted one of the puppies from her first litter - it just didn't work out with my living situation at the time; so, I decided to get one of the puppies from the second litter. I felt like this was the right time for me and had everything in line (or so I thought) so I told my cousin I would take one and then all hell broke loose. As I've mentioned before, I lived with my great-aunt and rented out her basement and though we discussed (thoroughly) about me getting one of the puppies, she changed her mind once the decision was final... so, I moved out. There was a lot of family drama and I realized that it would be best for me to have my own place anyway. So, in late April me and "the kids" moved to a studio apartment in Burnsville.
May
May was spent settling in to the new place and getting used to having a puppy in my life. The last time I had a puppy in my life was in 3rd grade when we got our Dakota. Of course back then my parents did all of the hard work - so taking care of Percy was definitely a new experience. Though I loved my pupper and enjoyed the challenge, it did make me realize I would never want kids - I like my sleep too much.
June
By the time June came around, I felt like we had a pretty good routine. I was liking my new apartment a lot (though I was NOT a fan of the management) and "the kids" were starting to get along a little better. (I think the cats realized the Percy wasn't going to go away anytime soon.) Of course during this time I was still working at AV and though I enjoyed my colleagues, I wasn't sure about my job. I really wanted to take the next step but wasn't sure I would have the opportunity and started looking for a new job.
July
In July, I was approached by my manager about an interim opportunity in Mankato for an assistant manager position. Of course it would just be temporary, but it sounded like a good way to get me to the next step. My manager advised that he thought it would be good for me - but would be a lot of hard work since I would be commuting. Still, I decided to risk it and apply; and, I got the job! Shortly after I started in mid-July, the other assistant stepped down which meant even longer hours as we were now down a manager. That meant that "the kids" were shipped to Mom and Dad's as I was working up to 20 hours a day when you include the commute. (It wasn't all work though, I did get the chance to attend The Package Tour with Dad on July 20th and took part of my first Color Run on July 14th. Both amazing experiences. I had so much fun with both and our seats at the concert were the best I've ever had. Nine rows from the floor!)
August and September were pretty much a blur. I spent both months commuting between Burnsville, Mankato, Olivia, and eventually Jackson as Mom and Dad moved to a new house at the end of September.
October
In October I was offered an official Assistant Manager position with Mankato, which was exciting and terrifying all at the same time. As I had just signed a lease in Burnsville in April, it was a hard decision but I finally decided to accept. That meant mid-to-end of October was spent finding a place to live (on top of working long hours...) October 19th I finally got a break though when Dad, Mom, Lora, Chris (my brother-in-law), and Bruce (a cousin) flew down to Cabo San Lucas, Mexico for a week-long vacation. Luckily I found a place shortly before we left so I could have a completely stress-free week.
November
As soon as we got back from Mexico it was off to pack up at Burnsville and prepare the apartment in Mankato. (I found a place through a friend of the family and let's just say it needed a little TLC.) I moved into the new apartment in mid-November and have been slowly working on it ever since. It also didn't help that I found out my pacemaker was conking out after 8 years and needed to be replaced. I had my pacemaker generator replaced two days before Thanksgiving - and though I had a great doctor and a lot of love and care from my family, recovery did not go as smoothly as expected. It kept me out of work a little longer than I was expecting and put a bit of a damper on getting the apartment together - but it's coming along nicely and I do like it a lot.
Now I'm just typing a quick update as I watch the Saints vs. Panthers game at Mom and Dad's in Jackson. I came home to pick up "the kids" as Mom and Dad were stuck watching them while I recuperated. I better get going though as it's been snowing all day and it's probably going to be a long drive home.
Wish me luck. Thanks for reading the update.
I promise I'll be back on before nine months have passed (cause I miss so much otherwise - plus, I have some big stuff coming up in January like NITRO CIRCUS LIVE!!!)
Talk to you then. Thanks again!
HAPPY HOLIDAYS!
Thursday, March 7, 2013
Maroon 5
So, I've been lucky enough to go to a decent amount of concerts in my life; and, one of my favorite parts about going to a concert is talking to your friends or family or whomever who attended the concert with and reliving the best moments. This past week, I went to my first Maroon 5 concert and because of certain circumstances - I went by myself. Though at first the idea of me going to a concert by myself scared the living beejeesus out of me, (worst part? Finding parking, of course!) I actually found it to be quite liberating! It's so nice to scream and holler and sing along and be that obnoxious fan without having to worry that your friends or family are completely losing all respect for you. The only bad thing... I didn't have anyone to talk to about best moments, what I enjoyed, etc. So - that's what this blog post is going to be about... so, if you don't care about concerts or hate Maroon 5 or just don't want to hear me talk about how cute, sexy, or adorable Adam Levine is (and was that night), you can wait until my next post.
Owl City
Though I've never been a huge Owl City fan, I will say that the song "Fireflies" is insanely addicting and one of those songs that I can listen to over and over and over and over again and not really get sick of it. I mean, when it starts I'm like, "Crap, this song again." but I realize as the song is ending that I've listened to it yet again. So, Owl City is the first act and it was really cool since the lead singer is from Minnesota (the whole group may be, I'm not sure... I just know the lead singer is from Owatonna, I'm pretty sure.) So yeah, having a hometown boy opening for Maroon 5 was pretty awesome. I really enjoyed when they performed "Fireflies" cause they actually had everyone hold up their phones so it looked like there were fireflies throughout the entire Xcel Energy Center. Very cool. I didn't really know a lot of the other songs - just "Shooting Star" and "Good Time", which is always fun to sing and dance to, but considering the band mostly stayed in the background where you didn't really see them, the lead singer was able to keep everyone entertained by running our the stage (which was shaped like an "M").
Neon Trees
The next opening act was Neon Trees. I have their first CD, but not their newest - though, I will say I love, love, love "Everybody Talks". So, I would say I enjoy their music, but didn't really consider myself a fan. I was definitely more excited to see them than Owl City, but thought they would just be an opening act where I would know a couple more of their songs. One thing I didn't realize before the concert was that the girl is actually their drummer (I've seen pics of the band, but none of their videos or them actually performing.) That girl, I think her name is Elaine, is SO kickass. I adore her! She has an amazing voice and goes absolutely insane on the drums. Total props and admiration. Love her! Love the group! Love, love, love everything about them. The set was amazing and they were able to take their hits (such as "Animal" and "Everybody Talks") and add little inflections while being true to the radio version. I must say, the entire group was awesome, but it was really Elaine and the lead singer (Tyler?) who kept the crowd entertained. Tyler's dancing = jealousy-inducing. Yeah, it's that awesome. They also did a cover of "Don't You Want Me" which just made everyone's night - or, at least, should have.
Both of the opening acts did 30 min. sets with a 30 min. break between to redress the stage. Then, 30 min. after Neon Trees it was time for...
Maroon 5!!!!
Yes, there was ear-shattering screaming; and, though I have found that a lot of people aren't fans (I really don't get why not... but people make fun of my taste in music all of the time), I have been a fan since "Songs About Jane". I will say, until recently (and yes, perhaps by watching "The Voice" and finding that Adam not only has some amazingly good looks, but also has a pretty awesome personality made a big difference) I didn't have them on the top of my Concerts I Must Attend list, I have always purchased their CDs and love almost all of their songs. So, even though my expectations were pretty high (1. Because I haven't been to a concert in awhile, and 2. Because Neon Trees KILLED it just 30 min. prior) I was pleasantly surprised for sure. First off, Adam was great at giving the fans what we wanted - after the first song he stripped of his black (pretty sure it was) leather jacket and that just left him in a black t-shirt and (again, pretty sure) leather pants. Then after a few songs he took a towel to wipe of the sweat and threw it to the first row. (I'm pretty sure when he did that I heard the entire Xcel Energy Center collectively give a daydreaming sigh...) Their set was really well done - they started out with "Payphone" and then did a nice mix of old vs. new, ballads vs. upbeat. Near the end of their set they even had a bridge from the main stage to a mini stage in the middle of the floor were Jimmy V. (the lead guitarist) and Adam did an acoustic version of "She Will Be Loved"... this was done after Adam advised everyone that he thought men who attended Maroon 5 concerts were the smartest people in the world. (I believe his exact words after having all 18+ year old girls to scream were, "Gentlemen, start your engines.") Overall, I felt like they did a great job of making it feel like they were having a ton of fun and we were just part of the party. They actually performed "Stereo Hearts", too, and Adam even did the rapping normally done by Travie McCoy. I had a blast. They did the usual sing-a-longs and introducing of the band but their whole stage layout and everything just felt fresh to me (maybe I just haven't been to a concert in too long of a time.... luckily, I'm going to another in about a week-and-a-half!) It was fun. I haven't really been to a concert where it's an actual band. I have been to boy band concerts, singer-songwriter concerts, and my last concert was B.B. King. I guess the closest would've been David Garrett, but that concert was in a much smaller venue.
P!NK
So, as I mentioned above, I have another concert coming up in about a week-and-a-half and this is a concert I've been looking forward to for over a decade. (Yes, literally. I'm completely serious.) I'm actually going to this one with my mom and my sister so I'll be able to relive my favorite memories with them, but I may still document them... so, I lied. If you actually made it through this post, you may want to skip my next one, too cause I'm assuming it's going to be about the P!NK concert... though, I do have a few things from my life to update - but since I'm on a relatively long stretch right now (work-wise) I'm going to head to bed for the night... so maybe my next post with be about another concert or maybe I'll give you all a treat (yes, sarcasm) and write before then... only time will tell!!!
Night all of you boring people who actually read this stuff! haha. Just kidding. I do appreciate the support.
Peace and love!
Owl City
Though I've never been a huge Owl City fan, I will say that the song "Fireflies" is insanely addicting and one of those songs that I can listen to over and over and over and over again and not really get sick of it. I mean, when it starts I'm like, "Crap, this song again." but I realize as the song is ending that I've listened to it yet again. So, Owl City is the first act and it was really cool since the lead singer is from Minnesota (the whole group may be, I'm not sure... I just know the lead singer is from Owatonna, I'm pretty sure.) So yeah, having a hometown boy opening for Maroon 5 was pretty awesome. I really enjoyed when they performed "Fireflies" cause they actually had everyone hold up their phones so it looked like there were fireflies throughout the entire Xcel Energy Center. Very cool. I didn't really know a lot of the other songs - just "Shooting Star" and "Good Time", which is always fun to sing and dance to, but considering the band mostly stayed in the background where you didn't really see them, the lead singer was able to keep everyone entertained by running our the stage (which was shaped like an "M").
Neon Trees
The next opening act was Neon Trees. I have their first CD, but not their newest - though, I will say I love, love, love "Everybody Talks". So, I would say I enjoy their music, but didn't really consider myself a fan. I was definitely more excited to see them than Owl City, but thought they would just be an opening act where I would know a couple more of their songs. One thing I didn't realize before the concert was that the girl is actually their drummer (I've seen pics of the band, but none of their videos or them actually performing.) That girl, I think her name is Elaine, is SO kickass. I adore her! She has an amazing voice and goes absolutely insane on the drums. Total props and admiration. Love her! Love the group! Love, love, love everything about them. The set was amazing and they were able to take their hits (such as "Animal" and "Everybody Talks") and add little inflections while being true to the radio version. I must say, the entire group was awesome, but it was really Elaine and the lead singer (Tyler?) who kept the crowd entertained. Tyler's dancing = jealousy-inducing. Yeah, it's that awesome. They also did a cover of "Don't You Want Me" which just made everyone's night - or, at least, should have.
Both of the opening acts did 30 min. sets with a 30 min. break between to redress the stage. Then, 30 min. after Neon Trees it was time for...
Maroon 5!!!!
Yes, there was ear-shattering screaming; and, though I have found that a lot of people aren't fans (I really don't get why not... but people make fun of my taste in music all of the time), I have been a fan since "Songs About Jane". I will say, until recently (and yes, perhaps by watching "The Voice" and finding that Adam not only has some amazingly good looks, but also has a pretty awesome personality made a big difference) I didn't have them on the top of my Concerts I Must Attend list, I have always purchased their CDs and love almost all of their songs. So, even though my expectations were pretty high (1. Because I haven't been to a concert in awhile, and 2. Because Neon Trees KILLED it just 30 min. prior) I was pleasantly surprised for sure. First off, Adam was great at giving the fans what we wanted - after the first song he stripped of his black (pretty sure it was) leather jacket and that just left him in a black t-shirt and (again, pretty sure) leather pants. Then after a few songs he took a towel to wipe of the sweat and threw it to the first row. (I'm pretty sure when he did that I heard the entire Xcel Energy Center collectively give a daydreaming sigh...) Their set was really well done - they started out with "Payphone" and then did a nice mix of old vs. new, ballads vs. upbeat. Near the end of their set they even had a bridge from the main stage to a mini stage in the middle of the floor were Jimmy V. (the lead guitarist) and Adam did an acoustic version of "She Will Be Loved"... this was done after Adam advised everyone that he thought men who attended Maroon 5 concerts were the smartest people in the world. (I believe his exact words after having all 18+ year old girls to scream were, "Gentlemen, start your engines.") Overall, I felt like they did a great job of making it feel like they were having a ton of fun and we were just part of the party. They actually performed "Stereo Hearts", too, and Adam even did the rapping normally done by Travie McCoy. I had a blast. They did the usual sing-a-longs and introducing of the band but their whole stage layout and everything just felt fresh to me (maybe I just haven't been to a concert in too long of a time.... luckily, I'm going to another in about a week-and-a-half!) It was fun. I haven't really been to a concert where it's an actual band. I have been to boy band concerts, singer-songwriter concerts, and my last concert was B.B. King. I guess the closest would've been David Garrett, but that concert was in a much smaller venue.
P!NK
So, as I mentioned above, I have another concert coming up in about a week-and-a-half and this is a concert I've been looking forward to for over a decade. (Yes, literally. I'm completely serious.) I'm actually going to this one with my mom and my sister so I'll be able to relive my favorite memories with them, but I may still document them... so, I lied. If you actually made it through this post, you may want to skip my next one, too cause I'm assuming it's going to be about the P!NK concert... though, I do have a few things from my life to update - but since I'm on a relatively long stretch right now (work-wise) I'm going to head to bed for the night... so maybe my next post with be about another concert or maybe I'll give you all a treat (yes, sarcasm) and write before then... only time will tell!!!
Night all of you boring people who actually read this stuff! haha. Just kidding. I do appreciate the support.
Peace and love!
Tuesday, February 19, 2013
Ahhh... New Year. Fresh Start?
Alright peeps,
Well, believe it or not - one of my 2013 Intentions was to blog more... so, having my first blog post on the 50th day of the year is pretty good, right? I guess it depends on who you ask. I am proud to say that this is my second Intention that I've started though, which considering my list is about is long as my leg, probably isn't great; but, I still have 10 1/2 more months to do the rest. If you're wondering, the other one I've actually started is to cook more food for myself instead of eating out or going the the drive-thru. That Intention has gone really, really well so far (if I may say so myself). A lot of my other Intentions are the same as they are every other year, but since I'm not in the mood to feel like a failure right now - I'll mention those when I actually start them.... if I start them. One new thing that I did start but didn't intend on was becoming a mentor. Yep, that's right - when I got the call, I was almost more freaked out than when I was told I was going to be a Godparent. I don't understand people trusting me to be in other people's lives! I'm just kidding. Honestly, the mentoring thing isn't a huge deal. Basically, someone asked me to mentor a Sophomore from my old college as he is looking to major in a business field. I got to meet him early February and it was awesome. He's such a bright kid. When I was in college I had a mentor during my Junior year and we didn't keep in touch. I'm hoping that doesn't happen with my mentee as I look forward to watching him succeed and getting his dream job. Also, being a part of the program has started me thinking about what I want to do and what truly is MY dream job.... I'll keep you guys updated.
On a completely different but sort of same topic, one of my best friends has recently gotten in contact with her birth mother. They've been sending letters back and forth and that is pretty awesome. Honestly, before now I haven't really thought about my birth family and whether or not I'd be interested in contacting them, but now... I don't know. I guess I still don't really feel a strong pull to get to know my birth family - but I guess I have thought about it a little. It's kind of cool that my friend gets to ask the questions she's had her whole life and actually getting the answers - but then again, I don't really have questions. I've been lucky enough to have a father, a mother, a sister, and now a brother... I guess I don't really feel like I missed out on anything. Not saying that my friend did miss out on anything, but I think maybe she felt like that a little bit... and I just don't. So, I guess it's not really something I'm interested in still... but if that changes... I'll keep you guys updated.
Other than that, not a whole lot has changed since my last post. I'm still having a hard time figuring out who and what I want in my life - but everyone goes through that, right? (Damn you, emotional growing pains!) I'm just trying to focus on my 2013 Intentions List and making it through one day at a time. Today was just trying to check something off, get out a little internal talk, and now I'm going to watch some more "One Tree Hill", do some laundry, feed my cats, and go to bed... next time hopefully I'll have something more worthwhile to say... I'll keep you updated.
Well, believe it or not - one of my 2013 Intentions was to blog more... so, having my first blog post on the 50th day of the year is pretty good, right? I guess it depends on who you ask. I am proud to say that this is my second Intention that I've started though, which considering my list is about is long as my leg, probably isn't great; but, I still have 10 1/2 more months to do the rest. If you're wondering, the other one I've actually started is to cook more food for myself instead of eating out or going the the drive-thru. That Intention has gone really, really well so far (if I may say so myself). A lot of my other Intentions are the same as they are every other year, but since I'm not in the mood to feel like a failure right now - I'll mention those when I actually start them.... if I start them. One new thing that I did start but didn't intend on was becoming a mentor. Yep, that's right - when I got the call, I was almost more freaked out than when I was told I was going to be a Godparent. I don't understand people trusting me to be in other people's lives! I'm just kidding. Honestly, the mentoring thing isn't a huge deal. Basically, someone asked me to mentor a Sophomore from my old college as he is looking to major in a business field. I got to meet him early February and it was awesome. He's such a bright kid. When I was in college I had a mentor during my Junior year and we didn't keep in touch. I'm hoping that doesn't happen with my mentee as I look forward to watching him succeed and getting his dream job. Also, being a part of the program has started me thinking about what I want to do and what truly is MY dream job.... I'll keep you guys updated.
On a completely different but sort of same topic, one of my best friends has recently gotten in contact with her birth mother. They've been sending letters back and forth and that is pretty awesome. Honestly, before now I haven't really thought about my birth family and whether or not I'd be interested in contacting them, but now... I don't know. I guess I still don't really feel a strong pull to get to know my birth family - but I guess I have thought about it a little. It's kind of cool that my friend gets to ask the questions she's had her whole life and actually getting the answers - but then again, I don't really have questions. I've been lucky enough to have a father, a mother, a sister, and now a brother... I guess I don't really feel like I missed out on anything. Not saying that my friend did miss out on anything, but I think maybe she felt like that a little bit... and I just don't. So, I guess it's not really something I'm interested in still... but if that changes... I'll keep you guys updated.
Other than that, not a whole lot has changed since my last post. I'm still having a hard time figuring out who and what I want in my life - but everyone goes through that, right? (Damn you, emotional growing pains!) I'm just trying to focus on my 2013 Intentions List and making it through one day at a time. Today was just trying to check something off, get out a little internal talk, and now I'm going to watch some more "One Tree Hill", do some laundry, feed my cats, and go to bed... next time hopefully I'll have something more worthwhile to say... I'll keep you updated.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)