In the Land of B's....

Oddly enough, the last week or so of my life can be summed up with the letter B. So, in the words of the great Big Bird: Today's Blog is brought to you by the letter B. 

Brazil:
On Monday I found out Kathryn, the best friend, made it safely to Brazil. She's staying there for a week before she goes to Peru for six months. Though her bags didn't make it until the day after she got there (boo-hoo), one can't help but be jealous. It seems like her life is one big luck-fest. Of course, she was in Christchurch for the big earthquake and I do not envy her that at all; but, she also had planned this trip to Brazil/Peru months ago and her departure date was less than a week after the earthquake. Yeah. Ya know those images of people who have the rain cloud over their heads just following them wherever they go? Yeah, if Kathryn's life was a cartoon, her character would have a big sun over her head that was dripping candies and had little angels doing whatever she desired. Lucky bitch... gotta love her...

Beasts:
I read Kathryn's message (she sent me the message on facebook) while I was working, which brings me to my next topic. Beasts. Call them what you will: vultures, sharks, dogs; but, sales people (if they work on commission) are BEASTS. As I'm slowly getting to the next step of my work program (ya know, my "fast track to management" program), I'm starting to wonder if I'm cut out for the sales world. Sure, I understand it's a tough world out there and sometimes you just have to stab someone in the back, but how does one do that in a professional setting? (That's not a rhetorical question. Please leave your answers below.) I know that in the world of retail it's all about numbers, but I don't know if I have the ability to get those numbers. Believe it or not, I actually like most of the people I work with and though I wouldn't consider them friends (yet), I also don't know if I could snipe them out of a sale to benefit myself. I worry I'll have more of a "I'll get the next one" attitude but in this dog-eat-dog world, that attitude gets you fired. So, as I drove home Tuesday night I started to worry about this amongst other things which, you guessed it, brings us to our next B topic...

Boys, Bridges, and Breakthroughs:
So, I'm driving home, worrying about my job and trying to figure out what that will mean for me financially, mentally, physically, the whole nine yards when my cell phone starts flashing. If my phone didn't ring and it starts flashing, that means I received an e-mail. An e-mail. I guess I'm getting too far ahead of myself.  I should probably explain why I find getting and e-mail overly dramatic these days....

Almost a week ago I started talking to a guy on eHarmony. He seems really nice and I'm not going to give you any details as of yet cause who knows what will happen... anyway, within a 24-hour period we went through the first three stages of eHarmony's "Guided Communication" and even sent a couple of e-mails to each other and now... NOTHING. I haven't heard from him in almost a week. It's like he fell off the face of this earth. And so, that's why I get those GD butterflies in my stomach every time I see that I have an e-mail. Anyway, revert back now, I'm in my car driving home from work, worrying about work, and then my phone starts flashing... an e-mail.

It was junk mail but it did make my brain go in a different direction. Now, I wasn't worrying about work and my selling skills (or perhaps lack thereof), I was thinking about boys. Why won't [eHarmony guy's name here] write me back? Did something bad happen to him or is he just no longer interested? Should I move on? I do have a crush on someone else, but he's definitely not interested and kind of off limits... Why do I always get crushes on the unattainable? Also, is there some underlying issue that makes me fall "in love" with celebrities? Why do guys not like me? Is it my physical appearance, my personality, both? As a semi-open bisexual, why do I only go for guys? etc. and so forth. (It's a long drive home and I thought about it for the majority of my drive.) Some of these questions I can answer with simple, surface-level answers.  Some of them I can't or don't want to answer because they have insanely deep issues attached to them and I don't want to go there.  Some of them ARE rhetorical (so please, no opinions from the peanut gallery) and some of them I may want the answers to, but only if they're nice. So, I got home, hung out with my cats, drew my mind to a different place and went to bed. I woke up in the morning with the "it's a new day" attitude. I got in my car (I had to work again so yes, another two hour drive back to the Cities) and started down the road...

Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear. (That one's for you, dude!) Unfortunately for me, the thoughts that appeared in my head on the drive back to work were along the same lines as the thoughts on my drive home the night before and so came my breakthrough. I'm not going to explain to you how I got there, it was long, tedious, and semi-schizophrenic but I went there and I dug down and I hit one of those deep issues. (Ya know the whole, "Some of them I can't or don't want to answer because they have insanely deep issues attached to them and I don't want to go there." ... On a bright note, the one issue answered many questions, but it was really one of those "this is really going to ruin your day" breakthroughs.) Anyway, I realized that I associate being in love (not love in the sense of "I love my friends and family", but romantic relationship "IN love") with rejection. Those of you who know me are probably having the same reaction as my mom. I believe her exact words were, "Oh... yeah.. Duh." Yet, it sucked/sucks for me. My mom claims that now that I know this issue I will be able to resolve the issue. I don't know if I'm so sure about that. I guess I see it like I see my weight. I understand I'm overweight. I know that I am overweight. I understand and know that it's an issue. Have I resolved the issue? No.

 I guess only time will tell what this breakthrough will mean for me. It makes so much sense now why I burn certain bridges and end things with certain guys before it goes anywhere. I've only been in love with one boy for sure and he definitely didn't feel the same way about me - and the other two guys I thought I may have been in love with at one point in time also gave me my fair share of rejection. I think that's why I don't go for girls - I don't want to be rejected by both genders and it's just easier for me to burn that bridge before I even remotely think of crossing it. Depressing thought, eh?

Here's another one for ya...

Buffets: 
My dad and I went to a Chinese buffet yesterday and I couldn't help but notice the irony. We were in a smaller town (I mean, bigger than some, definitely not a big city) and yet there was such diversity at this one little buffet. We saw Latinos, Asians (of course Asians - it was a CHINESE Buffet), Caucasians, and even Somalians and yet there was so much ignorance! On the table to my left, this sort of trailer-trash (yes, I'm judging a book by it's cover... and the conversation they were having) were talking about how "the Chinese really know how to cook chicken probably because it's easy to eat with chopsticks", and the table to my right, which were four 70 yr. old plus folks were talking about how Somalian children were so beautiful because "they have that been burned for thousands of years look". It was such a hard meal to finish as I kept hearing these comments and I realized (and perhaps it was more prominent because of my newest breakthrough) that one can live a life full of ignorance. These people are 100% living the "ignorance is bliss" cliche and I was actually jealous of them. So, here is where my blog post comes full circle and how I'm going to end it...

Kathryn is probably one of the most well-rounded individuals I know. She lives a life that almost anyone would be, could be, and should be jealous of and she's so blissfully happy. Then, there are the people at the buffet who seemed like the definition of ignorance and yet they, too, are blissfully happy. Then there's me. I'm living in the land of B's - this has been a week of Brazil, Beasts, Boys, Bridges, Breakthroughs, and Buffets - but never in my life has the B equaled Bliss... so, here's to the hopes that this Blog will bring Bliss to someone. I may not be blissful right now, but I do think I'm on the right track of getting there... B-lieve it or not. Haha. Yeah... I'm a dork.... =D