Questioning Friendships...

So, I won't lie, numerous times (since my last post) I have come online, logged in, and thought, "I should really post something else" but I never did because I never felt like I had anything to say. I'm not saying I haven't had anything exciting happen since June - I just haven't felt the need to talk about it. I did run my first 5k in October and spent most of August and September "training" for it. I was pretty proud of myself with my time (39:33) considering I could barely walk a mile prior to training and I was sick the night before the race and lost 6 lbs. in 9 hours. (Use your imagination.) That week was also awesome because my best friend came to visit me for the first time in almost 4 years. We, of course, met in New Zealand and she had been there and Peru since her last visit so we weren't able to just hop in the car and visit each other. It was amazing to see her... until she left... when I cried... in public... but other than that, life has been pretty un-blogworthy. Unfortunately, the reason I'm posting now is because I have to get something off of my chest. It's something that's new and fresh and so my emotion on this post may be more raw than I would normally like to put out on the world wide web, but I have a feeling other have been through a similar situation and maybe they'll appreciate the fact that someone else is going through it... or maybe I'll just feel better for actually saying how I feel at this point in time. Plus, the whole 5k thing is a good segway... Anyway, hmm... I don't even know where to begin... When I ran the 5k, I was looking for someone to run it with me. I thought it would be fun to train together and make goals and meet our goals so I asked my best friend from high school to run it with me. I'm assuming if you know me you know exactly who I'm talking about, but if there are just random people who read this we're going to call her Stacey. So, Stacey and I were closer than sisters in high school, but lost touch when she started dating her until-recently-husband. (They're in the middle of their divorce as we speak...) Anyway, even after we lost touch, I obviously still cared about her and even called her on her wedding day (from New Zealand, no less). Anyway, years passed and we started talking again and even hanging out every once in awhile - hence why I asked her to run the 5k with me. Granted, the day after she agreed to run the 5k with me, she asked her husband for a divorce so her training didn't go so well and I admit, I was somewhat disappointed. I had asked her to do this with me so we would have a good memory together as adults - something that may be able to bring us closer together, but I understood that she had a lot going on in her life and eventually let it go. The day of the race, things went pretty well, but I still felt an unease with her. So, since the race, we've had a lot of discussions about our lives and our relationships - with each other and with other people - and just tried rebuilding a healthy friendship (cause we both admitted we had a pretty unhealthy, co-dependent friendship in high school)... Well, whatever, I'll get to the actual point so I can get to the even longer rant about what's actually on my mind... So a couple of days ago, I had finally had enough with Stacey when I realized that I was putting much, MUCH more into trying to rebuild our relationship (and people may think, "well, she is going through a divorce, she has more on her mind" but she already has a live-in boyfriend, so I don't think that's any excuse) and so I finally just said, "Ya know what? I'm done. I'm sick of this crap. I'm sick of constantly worrying about you and the bad decisions you make and I'm sick of the fact that you talk to me and agree you're making bad decisions but do it anyway." and she didn't respond so in my mind, I was done with her. Literally, 100% done. Then the next day I get a text from her, "I'm sorry for being a shitty friend. I really appreciate everything you've done for me and I'm sorry about last night." (Paraphrase as I deleted all texts.) So, because I'm an idiot, I wrote back asking her what she wanted me to do with that information. I told her that I accepted her apology, but it didn't change anything and asked her why she felt the need to write it. She didn't text back... So I waited... and thought about it... and thought about it... and thought about it... and waited. During the wait, I found out a friend of mine's fried from high school is missing and believed to be murdered as there is a suspect in the case and while I was grieving for my other friend, I couldn't help but think of Stacey and how even though I'm "100% done with her", I would still be devastated if something like that happened to her. I would be out searching the ditches. I would be pretty distraught - and again, I can't lie, it made me more angry at her because I realized that her apology text was a manipulation to make her feel better (which is the type of shit she's pulled before). So, after much discussion with other friends and against their advice, I texted Stacey one last time to say how I was feeling. I pretty much said that after hearing about my other friend and what she was going through, I realized that I would never be able to forget Stacey and our history and that sort of sucked that she didn't value our friendship to make it work. I was angry and upset and I thought she was a manipulative bitch... and she texted me back with some random text message - and I know why, she was still manipulating me, she knew that I would respond (which I didn't) to her random text saying something like, "Are you really that stupid? Did you completely miss the point of that last text?" and then we would start talking again and then she would win........ (and now the rant) Since then it's made me think, how many other times has she manipulated me to get what she wants? I used to always think she was just ignorantly blissful because things that she wanted just happened to happen for her... always... but now, I'm wondering - maybe she really is just this mastermind manipulative bitch who has screwed everyone over (even the ones she claims to care about) to get what she wants. For example, her soon-to-be-ex husband was someone who never really wanted relationships, he didn't believe in them, he only wanted "friends with benefits" but still, they were married not too long after they started sleeping together... and obviously she didn't divorce him (or ask for the divorce) until she had someone lined up already... and throughout our friendship in high school, she dated two of my cousins, tried to date two other of my cousins, and I had gotten in numerous fights with family members defending her, and I helped her move out of her small town, I helped her go to college (I freaking took the ACT a second time so she didn't have to take it alone!). I mean, seriously, I went above and beyond for her numerous times and yet, back in high school, people used to always say that I was too controlling of her because she always played stupid - but I'm starting to wonder now, if she wasn't actually playing me the whole time. Did I seriously just underestimate her so much and just not give her enough credit to see this? The last couple of days, all I keep thinking of is the fact that she's played me over and over and over again for the last 10 years of my life. It makes me feel so stupid and it makes me question EVERY SINGLE LITTLE PIECE of our so-called friendship. The worst part about it - I'll never know the truth. Obviously you can't ask someone you think has manipulated you for the last decade if they've been manipulating you for the last decade - like they would tell you the truth, right? So here I am, just having to "let it go" as my other friend says... but I mean, think about the relationships in your life - the important ones, the ones you said would be forever... how would you feel if you had to question every part of it? Sure, I've had friendships in the past that didn't work out and everyone knows my first love didn't work out, but even then, I never - NEVER - questioned how sincere the friendship was... never. This is the first time and it has completely thrown me into a tailspin. My family always tells me that I am too good of a friend (and they don't mean it in a good way). I'm the type of friend who would literally die for you. I know people always say, "I'd take a bullet for them" but honestly, I would. I admit though, it would be for a selfish reason - because when it comes to my friends, (my closest, truest friends) I always feel like I wouldn't be able to live without them. Granted, that list will change from time to time, when people drift apart or you meet someone new (your new "BEST" friend) but obviously those people are always close to me. I remember when my best friend now was in NZ and the big earthquake hit Christchurch (where she was staying). It was exactly 18 hours between when I heard about the earthquake and when she finally called. I literally cried for probably 16 of those hours and slept for less than 30 min.; and, when I did sleep, I had the phone literally in my hand. It was horrible and I hope I never have to go through anything like that ever again... but now, after this whole Stacey fiasco, I'm starting to question all of my relationships - with friends, with family, with everyone. How do you know if a friendship is true? What happens when you will always care about the people in your life more than they care about you? What if I really did just waste the last 10 years of my life being emotionally invested into someone who was just using me for their benefit? I mean, I know I'm still young, but I spent 13 years hung up on my first love... and I'm only 26, do the math. I have literally wasted my life on people who didn't care about me and now I realize that though my first love didn't care about me, at least he was honest about it to my face, and that's much better than being strung along for a decade just to find out that it was all a lie and a manipulation in the end... and granted, obviously I don't know if it really was a lie and a manipulation, but I'll never know and the fact that I even have to question it should say a lot, right? Well, obviously for the last 20 sentences I've just been typing thoughts that pop into my head, so no one is probably still reading this blog post, but yeah... I can't say I feel better, but I did just have to get it off of my chest. I mean, I feel better from "saying" it, but I don't think anything will make me feel BETTER except for the truth - and, of course, that's not possible. So, here's to hoping the the relationships in my life right now are truer than those in the past. Here's to hoping that I meet someone who cares about me as much as I care about them (eventually)... and here's to endings and new beginnings in life... I've had many in the past, I'm sure I'll have plenty more... Thanks for anyone who reads this without judgement. I truly appreciate any and all support. Much love to you all and I will try my hardest to have a happier post next time. Happy Holidays!!! PEACE!