The last 38 hours have been quite a roller coaster for me. Around 7:45 p.m. on Monday night I heard about the shallow 6.3 earthquake that hit Christchurch, New Zealand. Christchurch is like a second home to me as I lived there for 9 months in 2007. Other than my best friend Kathryn, whom I mentioned in my last post, I also have about a handful of other friends who live there, too. So, as news came out saying how bad it was and that there were fatalities, I was obviously freaking out a bit. I'm pretty much a worrier anyway; and, in that moment, I realized that having friends, and especially a best friend, on the other side of the world probably isn't a good idea for someone who worries a lot. Five months ago another earthquake hit Christchurch but as soon as I had heard about the earthquake we were hearing reports that there were no fatalities. So, this one was different. Way different.
It's amazing how one hears the word "fatalities" and instantly gets that gut-wrenching feeling that you know one of them. (Thankfully, my gut-wrenching feeling was wrong as I have officially heard from everyone I know in Chch and they're okay.) Of course, my mind went straight to Kathryn, who is unlike anyone else I've ever known. She's 100% confident in anything she does and has an independent streak in her like none other. That being said, I had no idea where she would be during the earthquake (which happened at 12:51 p.m. NZ time on a Tuesday). I knew she was getting ready for her trip to South America and was horrified at the thought that she may have been doing some last minute shopping. The point is... well, there really isn't a point.. but because of this experience I've recently realized all the stupid things that runs through ones head in a time of uncertainty. I started thinking about what a wonderful spirit Kathryn is and thoughts from "she's too tough to be taken out by a natural disaster" to "the good do die young" ran through my head like wildfire. I started to think about the last time I talked to her (the Thursday prior - since it's cheaper for her to call me, I never call her and so we talk maybe once a week if we're lucky...) and what we talked about (obviously we talked about her trip to South America, but a lot of the conversation was me stressing out about my life). I then was thinking about the last time I actually saw her and hung out with her in person; (it was in January of 2009, she had come to visit me after visiting her family in Canada,) but, the worst thoughts in those 18 or so hours between hearing about the earthquake and hearing she was okay were the thoughts revolving around the missed opportunities we had. The missed opportunities I had.
This past year, 2010, she had not only been in Canada but also in Los Angeles and I didn't go see her because of my job. Of course my job is important, but in comparison to seeing a loved one when it may have been your last chance, it seems so foolish. Then again, in your 20s one shouldn't feel like this could be your last chance, right? So, perhaps that thought is what's foolish.... I guess this whole thought process comes down to choices. The choices we make, the times when we felt like we didn't have a choice, our thoughts relating to those choices, etc. and it makes me wonder, how many people are happy with every single choice they've made?
Kathryn and I are in many ways polar opposites but sometimes we're too much alike. She's taught me so much and I hope some of my wisdom and advice has gotten through to her, too. We always joke that if we were one brain, she would be the id and I would be the super-ego. Like I mentioned earlier, she's completely different than anyone I've ever known and she's nothing like my past "best" friends. In my 25 years, I'll admit I've had a few "BFFs" and I still have my share of "best friends". I don't want people to think just because I talk about one in particular that she is my BEST friend. I have a great group of friends who mean the world to me. Though, I will admit, that I feel a special connection to Kathryn and I think it's because she's taught me that I'm okay the way I am. I realized something yesterday as my brain was decompressing from the anxiety it had been feeling and that is: Friends will come and go, but you will remain the same. For years when a friend would "screw me over" or a friendship would just end for whatever reason, I would wonder what was wrong with me. I felt ashamed that I couldn't keep these friendships going and I would talk to my parents or my sister and ask them why they thought the friendship had ended and they always had their opinion. Most of the time, it was because I was too hard on my friends. My family said that I ask too much from my friends. I didn't just let them be themselves, they said. But Kathryn has taught me that friendship is a two way street and if I wasn't allowing my friends to be the way they were, then they weren't allowing me to be the way I was either. I have never felt that way with Kathryn. She has taught me what it means to be a true friend. So, this post is for my best friend, Kathryn. After the hell you put me through for 18 hours, I just want to say that I love you. I miss you. and Thanks. I hope to see you soon. Love you!
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