Holy Crap! I have not blogged in almost two months... Jeez. Apologies to my followers if any of those still exist!
Anyway, One may think that the long absence is because so much has been going on in my life... but One would be wrong. Again, my life in the last couple of months has mainly consisted of my routine of eat, sleep, crap, work (though it's not always in that order); however, there have been a couple of things worth mentioning...
September 24th
Near the end of September I found myself wedding dress shopping with my sister. It was definitely an experience I'll never forget - not because we fought or had some sort of "you're getting married" revelation, but just because it was a fun and happy day. (For those of you who are wondering, yes, she found a dress. It was the first one she tried on and it's absolutely gorgeous. It's definitely the right one for her and maybe in June I'll post pictures cause right now it's on lock-down!)
October 1st
The week after wedding dress shopping, I officially became Godmother to the best little girl in the whole wide world. Again, a very fun and happy day that I'll never forget! I don't even know what to say about it. It's an amazing experience. I feel so grateful every day. (Okay, okay, I'm done with the mushy-gushy stuff. I just love my Goddaughter so much and I miss her. Lots.)
October 2nd
So, the Baptism was the first day in October, which just happened to be the day before I became a Sales Representative at Verizon. My first month was definitely a learning experience (and I still have much more to learn) but I'm liking it better than I thought I would. I'm still hoping to be a PIMP relatively soon though. (PIMP = Person In Management Position)
October 16th
On the 16th my cousin who lives down in Georgia came up with her husband and new baby, so that was fun. It was nice seeing her again as it's been a couple of years and I had not met her husband until then. It's always nice having family reunions for good reasons - and of course the baby was adorable!
October 25th
October 25th brought the PARAKATE (Parachute/Kate Voegele) Concert. I had read about it on facebook (as I'm a fan of Kate's) and bought tickets way back in August. Mom had agreed to going with me since tickets were only $15 a person; so, that night we showed up to the Cabooze (a bar/club in Minneapolis) and sat out in the cold for about 40 min. before finally getting let in and it was TOTALLY WORTH IT! First off, they had this opening group billed as the Rebels and they were pretty awesome. (They have now changed their name to the Empire Kids so look them up on facebook or youtube. I can't believe they've only been together for like 6 months. They put on a very good show.) Then, after a brief intermission KATE VOEGELE took the stage (and when I say took the stage, it was this tiny stage and even though I was sitting near the back, I was still only like 15-20 feet from her) and she absolutely blew my mind. I mean, I've been a fan of hers for four years or so, but I cannot believe how incredible she sounds live. It was awesome. Then, after her set, during another brief intermission, I got to go buy some swag and meet the Empire Kids (amazing funny guys, by the way - and it helps that they're just so damn cute). I didn't think it could get any better, but when I bought my Kate Voegele hoodie I got a wrist band for me and mom to meet her after the concert! So, Mom and I had to stay through the Parachute set (not a great band, in my opinion, and even worse live...) but afterward was able to meet the tiny spitfire in person! K, when I say tiny, I mean TINY. I was literally scared I was going to break her when I gave her a hug - but she was super sweet. I, of course, acted like a complete goon and had her sign the shirt off my back (literally) and have been obsessed ever since. (Now, for those of you who don't know who I'm talking about please Google her, Youtube her, something. She's such an amazing singer/songwriter and I will attest to the fact that she sounds EXACTLY the same in person as she does on her albums = TRUE TALENT.)
*I believe the word you're looking for is... ANYWAY*
That was the big stuff in the last couple of months. I apologize for the huge gaps between posts, but you should be happy since any other post probably would've been about my guy issues. Yes, as the title states, New Post, Same Story - I'm still having issues getting over Donnie and I keep questioning my feelings for Donnie vs. my feelings for Brian, etc. and so forth but that will have to wait for another day as I am exhausted. Today I had a day off and was lucky enough to see an old friend from Rochester whom I haven't seen in almost a year. It was awesome. I literally laughed for 5 1/2 hours straight and that takes a lot out of you! Therefore, I will bid you all adieu... Thanks for reading and goodnight!
P.S. Hi Latoya! Thanks for reading!!! I miss you, lady!!! Get facebook again.
Wednesday, November 2, 2011
Tuesday, September 6, 2011
Another Month Gone By...
and in that past month it seems like a lot has happened and nothing at all. Isn't that how it always is with me? First and foremost, for those who care (or don't care but just want to know about it), Donnie has a girlfriend. It's a recent development and I'm taking it really well, actually. Like I've been telling my friends, I was actually surprised he was single for so long. Although, it's weird, since I found out about Donnie's girlfriend, I've been dreaming about Brian... a lot...
eh, I'm trying not to read too much into it...
Anyway...
The main reason I wanted to blog tonight (even though I should be in bed cause I'm EXHAUSTED) was to document this past week. This past week has been awesome and draining. One of my best friends, Lisa, whom I met in New Zealand came to visit for the first time EVER. She lives in North Carolina and the last time I saw her was May 2009 when I went down to her place. (She lives in the town where "One Tree Hill" is filmed! And yes, I like that show so shut up.) So yeah, it was a lot of fun since I hadn't seen her in over two years. She was originally supposed to be here Saturday morning but she was delayed because of stupid Hurricane Irene (even when we tried to reschedule her earlier to beat Irene, she was still delayed almost 48 hours). Anyway, we were able to squeeze in most of what we wanted to do. On Monday I took her to Valleyfair just to find out she's not a fan of amusement parks..... She did really well though. She had never been on a rollercoaster, so it was pretty fun throwing her on the Wild Thing before she realized what was happening! We also went on the Mad Mouse, Renegade, Corkscrew, and Excalibur (amongst other non-rollercoaster rides) - though I think our favorite was Thunder Canyon considering we went on it four (?) times. (P.S. For my fellow Minnesotans out there, the "little" dribble at the end of Thunder Canyon is not so little anymore and the water is ice water... seriously!) Overall it was a good day, but so began our exhaustion and soreness. On Tuesday we went to the Science Museum of Minnesota and saw the King Tut exhibit. We also took a swing at MOA for a few hours. Wednesday I had to work, but honestly, standing 8 hours was a nice change from walking 8 hours! Thursday we were planning on going on Segway Tours, but they're apparently very popular. (Who knew?!) So, instead Lisa and I decided to grab some IHOP for breakfast/lunch and head over to the Minnehaha Falls. I had never been there, so it was a pretty cool experience. Also, for those who don't know, there's sort of a swimming area for kids there if you're ever interested... though Lisa swore she heard some kids talking about catching leeches... just an F.Y.I.
After the Falls, we headed over to MOA again and decided to check out SeaLife, which Lisa said was cool since she was able to see freshwater creatures (even though it's gotten freaking pricey!). After the mall we headed over to Primetime, which is a bar here in town. It was Ladies' Night so it was fun to get all dressed up and just be stupid for a night (since Lisa and I are never stupid otherwise...). Then Friday we got up to go to the State Fair, which is actually what Lisa planned her trip around. Even though Lisa isn't one to eat "different" foods, she tried a cheese curd for the first time AND had pizza on a stick. I was quite proud. Also, on a side note, I kick-ass at Whack-a-Mole. Oh, and I love Sweet Martha's Cookies.
Saturday was Lisa's last full day here (she left really early Sunday morning). So, on Saturday we went to the Minnesota Zoo with my Goddaughter and her family. We then had a huge family get-together at my place. Pretty much my whole Mom's side came and we had a Spaghetti and Meatball Extrava-feast-a! It was awesome. (Though, I've had nothing to eat other than Caesar salad, Spaghetti and Meatballs, and garlic bread since... oh, and Sweet Martha's Cookies...) But yeah, then Lisa had to leave... It was sad, but at least I have our time together documented in this public blog to always remember it. Although... I suppose if I really wanted to completely document our week together, I would also have to say, "'NITRO CIRCUS' is the BEST show EVER! GAME ON!!!" (Yeah, I'm sort of obsessed.... and if you haven't seen it, SHAME ON YOU!)
Alrighty then... time for bed (or maybe a couple more episodes of "Nitro Circus"...)
Peace out!
eh, I'm trying not to read too much into it...
Anyway...
The main reason I wanted to blog tonight (even though I should be in bed cause I'm EXHAUSTED) was to document this past week. This past week has been awesome and draining. One of my best friends, Lisa, whom I met in New Zealand came to visit for the first time EVER. She lives in North Carolina and the last time I saw her was May 2009 when I went down to her place. (She lives in the town where "One Tree Hill" is filmed! And yes, I like that show so shut up.) So yeah, it was a lot of fun since I hadn't seen her in over two years. She was originally supposed to be here Saturday morning but she was delayed because of stupid Hurricane Irene (even when we tried to reschedule her earlier to beat Irene, she was still delayed almost 48 hours). Anyway, we were able to squeeze in most of what we wanted to do. On Monday I took her to Valleyfair just to find out she's not a fan of amusement parks..... She did really well though. She had never been on a rollercoaster, so it was pretty fun throwing her on the Wild Thing before she realized what was happening! We also went on the Mad Mouse, Renegade, Corkscrew, and Excalibur (amongst other non-rollercoaster rides) - though I think our favorite was Thunder Canyon considering we went on it four (?) times. (P.S. For my fellow Minnesotans out there, the "little" dribble at the end of Thunder Canyon is not so little anymore and the water is ice water... seriously!) Overall it was a good day, but so began our exhaustion and soreness. On Tuesday we went to the Science Museum of Minnesota and saw the King Tut exhibit. We also took a swing at MOA for a few hours. Wednesday I had to work, but honestly, standing 8 hours was a nice change from walking 8 hours! Thursday we were planning on going on Segway Tours, but they're apparently very popular. (Who knew?!) So, instead Lisa and I decided to grab some IHOP for breakfast/lunch and head over to the Minnehaha Falls. I had never been there, so it was a pretty cool experience. Also, for those who don't know, there's sort of a swimming area for kids there if you're ever interested... though Lisa swore she heard some kids talking about catching leeches... just an F.Y.I.
After the Falls, we headed over to MOA again and decided to check out SeaLife, which Lisa said was cool since she was able to see freshwater creatures (even though it's gotten freaking pricey!). After the mall we headed over to Primetime, which is a bar here in town. It was Ladies' Night so it was fun to get all dressed up and just be stupid for a night (since Lisa and I are never stupid otherwise...). Then Friday we got up to go to the State Fair, which is actually what Lisa planned her trip around. Even though Lisa isn't one to eat "different" foods, she tried a cheese curd for the first time AND had pizza on a stick. I was quite proud. Also, on a side note, I kick-ass at Whack-a-Mole. Oh, and I love Sweet Martha's Cookies.
Saturday was Lisa's last full day here (she left really early Sunday morning). So, on Saturday we went to the Minnesota Zoo with my Goddaughter and her family. We then had a huge family get-together at my place. Pretty much my whole Mom's side came and we had a Spaghetti and Meatball Extrava-feast-a! It was awesome. (Though, I've had nothing to eat other than Caesar salad, Spaghetti and Meatballs, and garlic bread since... oh, and Sweet Martha's Cookies...) But yeah, then Lisa had to leave... It was sad, but at least I have our time together documented in this public blog to always remember it. Although... I suppose if I really wanted to completely document our week together, I would also have to say, "'NITRO CIRCUS' is the BEST show EVER! GAME ON!!!" (Yeah, I'm sort of obsessed.... and if you haven't seen it, SHAME ON YOU!)
Alrighty then... time for bed (or maybe a couple more episodes of "Nitro Circus"...)
Peace out!
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
Kids, Boys, Love, and Heartbreak
Step By Step
Wow, I can't believe it's only been about two months since I last wrote. I feel like so much has happened since then that it had to have been way longer, but apparently not. Let's see if I can remember everything to keep you all updated... if not, I'll make sure to hit the important stuff at least. Let's just say July 2011 has been one of the best months of my life.
Larger Than Life
First things first, on June 29th a very special baby girl was born. As she is a minor, I will be keeping all of her details as well as the details of her family a secret. One may wonder why I bring her up if I'm not going to mention specifics. My response is the fact that she is my Goddaughter. Yes, that's right, I officially have an important role in a child's life. I know, I know, I don't know what her parents were thinking either (kidding!). I'm so excited though. I can't even describe what an honor it is for me. It's such an unbelievable feeling and the day her parents asked me was one of the only days I've felt truly blessed. Over a month later, I still am beaming when I think about it. This may be one of the first and only times I've ever understood what people mean when they say, "It's different with your own children." Obviously this is not my child, but I definitely feel a sense of pride and maternal protection towards her now. I suppose I felt that with her older brother a bit, too - but this time around it's different. I don't know how to describe it. It's such a gift.
Shape Of My Heart
On July 7th I celebrated my 7 year anniversary of my open heart surgery. I can't believe it's been 7 years. I have changed so much and yet have not changed at all... I suppose the day that I woke up from my heart surgery with the opportunity for a better life was another day I felt truly blessed. Perhaps recognizing these things is why I feel like July 2011 was one of the best months of my life. So, I have grown up a bit, but I still have a ways to go, but I feel like I'm slowly getting there. It's nice to have such an important anniversary to remember. (I have a few of those - including the day I left for New Zealand and the day I came back home.) I know, we all of New Year's and our birthdays, but it's the anniversary's that we make in life that truly make us who we are, and even at this age - I have some great ones... and I was lucky enough to spend my 7th heart surgery anniversary with my Goddaughter and her family. Another great memory made. Thank you.
Don't Turn Out The Lights
A week after my heart surgery anniversary, a week after realizing how grown up I was getting, a week after spending a couple of days taking care of a two-year-old and a newborn - I was able to revert back to my 15/16 yr. old self for a 24 hours. It was amazing! First, on July 14th, at 9:30 p.m. I left my house to go to the Mall of America to stand in line for over two hours waiting for the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (in 3D) Premiere. It was awesome. I went by myself, but met a couple of funny high school girls who I chatted with until about 11:30 p.m. Then into the theater I went and spent the next three hours wrapped up with Harry and the gang. It was awesome. I didn't get home until about 3:00 a.m. I then slept until noon on July 15th and started getting ready for the NKOTBSB concert. For those of you who have been living under a rock - that is the New Kids on the Block AND the Backstreet Boys on the SAME stage for ONE night. Though I was never a New Kids fan as a youngster (they were a little bit before my time) everyone who knows anything about me knows that the Backstreet Boys were pretty much my Gods since age 11. That group of guys have gotten me through so many things - and I still find myself listening to them whenever I'm having a bad day. So, me and my 65 yr. old father left for the concert around 4:00 p.m., took the Metro Light Rail into Minneapolis, had supper at Hubert's (a bar and grill in the Target Center), and had an amazing time watching Midnight Red, Matthew Morrison, NKOTB, and the Backtreet Boys perform. I could go on and on with how amazing it was, but I won't bore you with the details. I will say that even my 65 yr. old father talked about that concert for days. Period.
Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)
So, we've talked about the Kids, we've talked about the Boys... onto the Love and the Heartbreak.
Nearing the end of July, I started realizing that... I'm falling in love. But wait, before you start getting all excited that I'm in a relationship, I'm not. Once again, I've fallen for someone who does not feel the same way about me. However, you can't help who you fall for, right? Being that this is only the second time I've fallen in love, it's scary and miserable and fantastic and absolutely exhilarating and I've learned that it doesn't have to be a mutual love to make you do stupid things. This is where the heartbreak comes in...
I've been talking to some friends about the new guy and my new feelings for him. Since he and most of my friends don't know, I will be keeping his true identity a secret; so, for this post (and any other post where he will be mentioned... and he will be mentioned) we'll call him Donnie. (Anyone trying to figure out why I went with Donnie, you can stop - I went with Donnie because I fell for Donnie Wahlberg at the concert. I will be referring to my first love as Brian cause Brian Littrell was my first celebrity love - so stop trying to read into it, k?)
Anyway - so, I've been talking to a couple of my friends about Donnie and how I feel about him. And since this is only the second time I've ever fallen in love, (and the first time it sort of crept up on me over a period of years) I obviously started thinking of my first love, Brian. So, I started telling some of my new friends, who know about Donnie but not about Brian, about Brian (I sure hope you're following this, I'm sort of rambling...) and they started asking me things like, "Well, where is Brian now? What is he up to? When was the last time you talked to him?" Blah, blah, blah. So, this is where the stupid things and heartbreak come into play, I decided that I should add Brian on facebook again. (Damn you, facebook!!!) So, I did. Now, if you know me, you already know who I'm referring to - and if you don't know who I'm referring to but you have me on facebook, you can very easily go and see who I've recently added.
Okay, moving on... I added Brian on facebook and instantly started regretting it but me being stupid me (I blame the whole falling in love with Donnie thing...) I decided I should write on Brian's wall and just see if anything has changed in the two years since I had talked to him last. It hasn't. I'm still the same when it comes to him, and he's obviously still the same in certain ways (like when it comes to me) and I felt like I was getting my heart broken all over again. So, I deleted him. I deleted him from facebook four days after I added him. The stupid thing is that I know I'm not still in love with Brian. (I'm still not sure I'm in love with Donnie, but I'm pretty sure I am. But I KNOW I'm not still in love with Brian.) Yes, it still hurts when he doesn't act like I exist (bastard... how hard is it to say, "I'm good, how are you?" on a wall post!) but that's because I spent a freaking decade pining over him. (Again, for those of you who don't know me that well and don't know about me and "Brian" - I'm not exaggerating, I literally was in love with him for 10+ years.)
Tonight
So, that brings me to tonight. If you can't tell, my feelings for Donnie have pretty much consumed my life the latter half of July and the early part of August. Falling in love is a lot of work(!) and even if nothing has really come out of it when it comes to Donnie, this whole situation has made me realize who my true friends are. I mean, I can understand if I talk about it a lot (to the point where it gets annoying) and I can understand if you don't agree with it (considering I'll probably get hurt) but it's happening and all I need right now is a friend to talk to and freak about it with. I don't need your opinion of him. I don't need your opinion of me. I don't need your love advice. I don't need your judgments. I don't need you to roll your eyes at me. I don't need you to act like my friend. I need you to be my friend. I have a small group of GREAT friends and for you I'm so unbelievably thankful. One of you has even gotten me praying again and the other one of you is not going to really appreciate that fact, but it's nice to know that I do have friends out there. Actually, one of my besties is coming up to visit me in just over two weeks. I'm not sure if I'll be able to blog again before that, but I'm sure I'll write afterward to tell you about all of our adventures and to update you on the whole Donnie situation.
P.S. If you pray out there and don't mind, could you maybe through out a quick word in for me? I figure since I'm just getting back into it, I could use some back-up. If you could maybe send good thoughts about me getting over Brian and maybe working things out with me and Donnie, I'd greatly appreciate it. :)
Thank and Love You. <3
Wow, I can't believe it's only been about two months since I last wrote. I feel like so much has happened since then that it had to have been way longer, but apparently not. Let's see if I can remember everything to keep you all updated... if not, I'll make sure to hit the important stuff at least. Let's just say July 2011 has been one of the best months of my life.
Larger Than Life
First things first, on June 29th a very special baby girl was born. As she is a minor, I will be keeping all of her details as well as the details of her family a secret. One may wonder why I bring her up if I'm not going to mention specifics. My response is the fact that she is my Goddaughter. Yes, that's right, I officially have an important role in a child's life. I know, I know, I don't know what her parents were thinking either (kidding!). I'm so excited though. I can't even describe what an honor it is for me. It's such an unbelievable feeling and the day her parents asked me was one of the only days I've felt truly blessed. Over a month later, I still am beaming when I think about it. This may be one of the first and only times I've ever understood what people mean when they say, "It's different with your own children." Obviously this is not my child, but I definitely feel a sense of pride and maternal protection towards her now. I suppose I felt that with her older brother a bit, too - but this time around it's different. I don't know how to describe it. It's such a gift.
Shape Of My Heart
On July 7th I celebrated my 7 year anniversary of my open heart surgery. I can't believe it's been 7 years. I have changed so much and yet have not changed at all... I suppose the day that I woke up from my heart surgery with the opportunity for a better life was another day I felt truly blessed. Perhaps recognizing these things is why I feel like July 2011 was one of the best months of my life. So, I have grown up a bit, but I still have a ways to go, but I feel like I'm slowly getting there. It's nice to have such an important anniversary to remember. (I have a few of those - including the day I left for New Zealand and the day I came back home.) I know, we all of New Year's and our birthdays, but it's the anniversary's that we make in life that truly make us who we are, and even at this age - I have some great ones... and I was lucky enough to spend my 7th heart surgery anniversary with my Goddaughter and her family. Another great memory made. Thank you.
Don't Turn Out The Lights
A week after my heart surgery anniversary, a week after realizing how grown up I was getting, a week after spending a couple of days taking care of a two-year-old and a newborn - I was able to revert back to my 15/16 yr. old self for a 24 hours. It was amazing! First, on July 14th, at 9:30 p.m. I left my house to go to the Mall of America to stand in line for over two hours waiting for the Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows Part 2 (in 3D) Premiere. It was awesome. I went by myself, but met a couple of funny high school girls who I chatted with until about 11:30 p.m. Then into the theater I went and spent the next three hours wrapped up with Harry and the gang. It was awesome. I didn't get home until about 3:00 a.m. I then slept until noon on July 15th and started getting ready for the NKOTBSB concert. For those of you who have been living under a rock - that is the New Kids on the Block AND the Backstreet Boys on the SAME stage for ONE night. Though I was never a New Kids fan as a youngster (they were a little bit before my time) everyone who knows anything about me knows that the Backstreet Boys were pretty much my Gods since age 11. That group of guys have gotten me through so many things - and I still find myself listening to them whenever I'm having a bad day. So, me and my 65 yr. old father left for the concert around 4:00 p.m., took the Metro Light Rail into Minneapolis, had supper at Hubert's (a bar and grill in the Target Center), and had an amazing time watching Midnight Red, Matthew Morrison, NKOTB, and the Backtreet Boys perform. I could go on and on with how amazing it was, but I won't bore you with the details. I will say that even my 65 yr. old father talked about that concert for days. Period.
Quit Playing Games (With My Heart)
So, we've talked about the Kids, we've talked about the Boys... onto the Love and the Heartbreak.
Nearing the end of July, I started realizing that... I'm falling in love. But wait, before you start getting all excited that I'm in a relationship, I'm not. Once again, I've fallen for someone who does not feel the same way about me. However, you can't help who you fall for, right? Being that this is only the second time I've fallen in love, it's scary and miserable and fantastic and absolutely exhilarating and I've learned that it doesn't have to be a mutual love to make you do stupid things. This is where the heartbreak comes in...
I've been talking to some friends about the new guy and my new feelings for him. Since he and most of my friends don't know, I will be keeping his true identity a secret; so, for this post (and any other post where he will be mentioned... and he will be mentioned) we'll call him Donnie. (Anyone trying to figure out why I went with Donnie, you can stop - I went with Donnie because I fell for Donnie Wahlberg at the concert. I will be referring to my first love as Brian cause Brian Littrell was my first celebrity love - so stop trying to read into it, k?)
Anyway - so, I've been talking to a couple of my friends about Donnie and how I feel about him. And since this is only the second time I've ever fallen in love, (and the first time it sort of crept up on me over a period of years) I obviously started thinking of my first love, Brian. So, I started telling some of my new friends, who know about Donnie but not about Brian, about Brian (I sure hope you're following this, I'm sort of rambling...) and they started asking me things like, "Well, where is Brian now? What is he up to? When was the last time you talked to him?" Blah, blah, blah. So, this is where the stupid things and heartbreak come into play, I decided that I should add Brian on facebook again. (Damn you, facebook!!!) So, I did. Now, if you know me, you already know who I'm referring to - and if you don't know who I'm referring to but you have me on facebook, you can very easily go and see who I've recently added.
Okay, moving on... I added Brian on facebook and instantly started regretting it but me being stupid me (I blame the whole falling in love with Donnie thing...) I decided I should write on Brian's wall and just see if anything has changed in the two years since I had talked to him last. It hasn't. I'm still the same when it comes to him, and he's obviously still the same in certain ways (like when it comes to me) and I felt like I was getting my heart broken all over again. So, I deleted him. I deleted him from facebook four days after I added him. The stupid thing is that I know I'm not still in love with Brian. (I'm still not sure I'm in love with Donnie, but I'm pretty sure I am. But I KNOW I'm not still in love with Brian.) Yes, it still hurts when he doesn't act like I exist (bastard... how hard is it to say, "I'm good, how are you?" on a wall post!) but that's because I spent a freaking decade pining over him. (Again, for those of you who don't know me that well and don't know about me and "Brian" - I'm not exaggerating, I literally was in love with him for 10+ years.)
Tonight
So, that brings me to tonight. If you can't tell, my feelings for Donnie have pretty much consumed my life the latter half of July and the early part of August. Falling in love is a lot of work(!) and even if nothing has really come out of it when it comes to Donnie, this whole situation has made me realize who my true friends are. I mean, I can understand if I talk about it a lot (to the point where it gets annoying) and I can understand if you don't agree with it (considering I'll probably get hurt) but it's happening and all I need right now is a friend to talk to and freak about it with. I don't need your opinion of him. I don't need your opinion of me. I don't need your love advice. I don't need your judgments. I don't need you to roll your eyes at me. I don't need you to act like my friend. I need you to be my friend. I have a small group of GREAT friends and for you I'm so unbelievably thankful. One of you has even gotten me praying again and the other one of you is not going to really appreciate that fact, but it's nice to know that I do have friends out there. Actually, one of my besties is coming up to visit me in just over two weeks. I'm not sure if I'll be able to blog again before that, but I'm sure I'll write afterward to tell you about all of our adventures and to update you on the whole Donnie situation.
P.S. If you pray out there and don't mind, could you maybe through out a quick word in for me? I figure since I'm just getting back into it, I could use some back-up. If you could maybe send good thoughts about me getting over Brian and maybe working things out with me and Donnie, I'd greatly appreciate it. :)
Thank and Love You. <3
Saturday, June 18, 2011
You're different though... cause I love you.
This post comes from a recent event in my life, but out of respect for other people who were involved, I will not be naming names. So, here's the brief backstory. I was recently set-up by a friend. Now, those of us involved will argue whether it was trying to "hook us up" or whether it was introducing us as just friends, but I personally saw it as a romantic set-up or at least a friends with potential set-up. Anyway, the first time we met, it was like a double date: me, my friend, the guy, and my friend's husband (the guy and the husband were good friends) and we had a really good time. So, the guy and I started texting back and forth. Long story short, the guy, in my opinion, had issues. First off, he had a record (yep, like been arrested and convicted record), he admitted he was living with an ex-girlfriend, he admitted to still being in love with a different ex-girlfriend, he had his car repossessed, etc. Let's just say he wasn't my type - though, I didn't really realize that until the second time we hung out. I will take blame, however, in the fact that, by the time we did hang out the second time, we both felt like this would end up as something. Over text he was a really nice guy: very open, easy to "talk" to, honest, and mature. That didn't last long. In person he was shy and awkward (then again, I probably was, too) but he seemed jealous and unstable. (He was also drunk, so that could have something to do with it.) But, after that night, I felt like it was get out or get stuck. So, I got out and I thought that I had justifiable reasons to flee. My friend that set us up, however, did not feel the same way. Both, her and her husband, felt like I should've given this guy another chance. There argument was that he is a really good guy and he just made a mistake cause he's going through a lot... and then they used the argument that my friends aren't perfect either... and that made me think... (hence the blog)...
Why is it that we can accept our friends flaws but we can't accept someone's flaws when we first meet them? Or do I have it all wrong and we just have lower standards for our friends than we do for someone whom we may date? Or, perhaps I really have it all wrong and only I do this. Cause see, again, I'm not going to name names, but I have a friend who does things that I normally wouldn't approve of, but because I know this friend is the way s/he is, it's not an issue that s/he does those things. I accept it because I love that person for who that person is. So, where is that line drawn in the sand? Is it different for everyone? Shouldn't I appreciate that this guy was upfront about his issues? Isn't it sort of crappy that I passed him off right away because I couldn't see past the issues? But I mean, everyone does do that to a point though, right? Otherwise, we would just love everyone... I don't know. Should we get to know everyone thoroughly before writing them off? Personally, I don't think that's even possible... but, would it make us better people if we did? I'm just typing my thoughts now, but not all of these questions are rhetorical. I would love people to respond with their thoughts. I mean, I've had friends who have stabbed me in the back and so sometimes I've wished that I didn't get to know them as well as I did because I feel like I looked past so much it was me who was hurt in the end... but then I think how different my life would be if I didn't get to know those people. I'm not sure if I've mentioned in this blog before, I probably have, but I've never had a romantic relationship and I'm starting to accept that it's obviously something with me. I seem to push away romantic prospects right away either directly or indirectly and I'm not sure why. Is it because of my past bad friendships? So I'm scared of feeling that vulnerable with a person? But, in that case, one would think that my good friendships would teach me to take the risk. Is it too high of standards? Do I ask too much of my future boyfriend? Well, in this case, I think there were enough red flags. Then again, I almost always find red flags, so is that because I subconsciously want to ruin my chances? I titled this blog "You're different though... cause I love you." because it's so true. We look past so much if we care about someone. My friend and her husband thought that I should look past what I thought were obvious deal-breakers because they cared about this guy. I look past things that normally would bother me with my friends because I care about them. Again, where is that line drawn? How do we get past the red flags to find the true person? Does this mean we should hide our "red flags" when we first meet someone? Isn't that sort of lying? Perhaps that's my problem... I don't know. Is this part of the dating "game"? Do I just jump the gun? I probably do. I probably do it because I've had so many years to think about all of this crap. Perhaps if I had dated when I was younger it would come easy, I wouldn't have to think about it... but here I am, 12:40 a.m. on a Sunday morning worrying about whether or not I'm subconsciously sabotaging my own love life. Should I have given this guy another chance? No. I know plenty of people who haven't given me second or third chances. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, right? I guess one just has to play the game...
It's weird though, I've never felt like I was playing a game with my true friends... I've always felt I could be exactly who I am - and those friends are the ones who've stuck by me.... even when we first met, I could always be myself... even before they loved me...
So, I lied, the above questions are all rhetorical because I know deep down inside that you don't have to play the game... if someone is going to love me for who I am, they'll know from the start cause I will be true to myself no matter what that means.
I love this blog and I thank you all for reading it... whether you agree with me, disagree with my theories and/or reasoning, or you think I'm completely crazy, I appreciate the idea that I'm "talking" to someone. Therefore, since this is a conversation, please respond, let me know what you think of the subject because I would really hate to be feeling this good just to find out 20 years down that road that I have it all wrong... (I'm serious - let me know NOW that I'm delusional. K? Thanks.)
{Side Note: Though this blog always revolves around me and no one else, I do want to say: Kia Kaha Chch. I love you. You'll make it through this... Until we meet again.}
Why is it that we can accept our friends flaws but we can't accept someone's flaws when we first meet them? Or do I have it all wrong and we just have lower standards for our friends than we do for someone whom we may date? Or, perhaps I really have it all wrong and only I do this. Cause see, again, I'm not going to name names, but I have a friend who does things that I normally wouldn't approve of, but because I know this friend is the way s/he is, it's not an issue that s/he does those things. I accept it because I love that person for who that person is. So, where is that line drawn in the sand? Is it different for everyone? Shouldn't I appreciate that this guy was upfront about his issues? Isn't it sort of crappy that I passed him off right away because I couldn't see past the issues? But I mean, everyone does do that to a point though, right? Otherwise, we would just love everyone... I don't know. Should we get to know everyone thoroughly before writing them off? Personally, I don't think that's even possible... but, would it make us better people if we did? I'm just typing my thoughts now, but not all of these questions are rhetorical. I would love people to respond with their thoughts. I mean, I've had friends who have stabbed me in the back and so sometimes I've wished that I didn't get to know them as well as I did because I feel like I looked past so much it was me who was hurt in the end... but then I think how different my life would be if I didn't get to know those people. I'm not sure if I've mentioned in this blog before, I probably have, but I've never had a romantic relationship and I'm starting to accept that it's obviously something with me. I seem to push away romantic prospects right away either directly or indirectly and I'm not sure why. Is it because of my past bad friendships? So I'm scared of feeling that vulnerable with a person? But, in that case, one would think that my good friendships would teach me to take the risk. Is it too high of standards? Do I ask too much of my future boyfriend? Well, in this case, I think there were enough red flags. Then again, I almost always find red flags, so is that because I subconsciously want to ruin my chances? I titled this blog "You're different though... cause I love you." because it's so true. We look past so much if we care about someone. My friend and her husband thought that I should look past what I thought were obvious deal-breakers because they cared about this guy. I look past things that normally would bother me with my friends because I care about them. Again, where is that line drawn? How do we get past the red flags to find the true person? Does this mean we should hide our "red flags" when we first meet someone? Isn't that sort of lying? Perhaps that's my problem... I don't know. Is this part of the dating "game"? Do I just jump the gun? I probably do. I probably do it because I've had so many years to think about all of this crap. Perhaps if I had dated when I was younger it would come easy, I wouldn't have to think about it... but here I am, 12:40 a.m. on a Sunday morning worrying about whether or not I'm subconsciously sabotaging my own love life. Should I have given this guy another chance? No. I know plenty of people who haven't given me second or third chances. It's a dog-eat-dog world out there, right? I guess one just has to play the game...
It's weird though, I've never felt like I was playing a game with my true friends... I've always felt I could be exactly who I am - and those friends are the ones who've stuck by me.... even when we first met, I could always be myself... even before they loved me...
So, I lied, the above questions are all rhetorical because I know deep down inside that you don't have to play the game... if someone is going to love me for who I am, they'll know from the start cause I will be true to myself no matter what that means.
I love this blog and I thank you all for reading it... whether you agree with me, disagree with my theories and/or reasoning, or you think I'm completely crazy, I appreciate the idea that I'm "talking" to someone. Therefore, since this is a conversation, please respond, let me know what you think of the subject because I would really hate to be feeling this good just to find out 20 years down that road that I have it all wrong... (I'm serious - let me know NOW that I'm delusional. K? Thanks.)
{Side Note: Though this blog always revolves around me and no one else, I do want to say: Kia Kaha Chch. I love you. You'll make it through this... Until we meet again.}
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Quick Update!
Wow, June already. May was sort of a crazy month as I had a friend's wedding to attend... and I MOVED! Granted, I moved the last weekend of the month, but still - it was time consuming worrying about packing. (Yes, I did procrastinate and didn't have anything packed until two days before the actual move... Plus, I obviously was still commuting the trifecta... so the month went by really fast.) I didn't have any boy issues in May, though, so that was a nice change. However, going to my friend's wedding was hard, as I did not have a date, but that was about as far as my boy woes went.
So far June has been really good. I can't complain. First, I want to send out a huge CONGRATULATIONS to Mr. and Mrs. Jeremy and Heather Mertz (and Cole). Yes, that's right, I started off June with another wedding and though it would've been nice to have a date, I had an absolute blast. The wedding was GORGEOUS, the bride looked AMAZING, the groom was HILARIOUS, and the reception was AWESOME!!! I can't remember a time when I had that much fun at a wedding (no offense to anyone out there - it was just a great wedding to attend).
Then, the Monday following the wedding (the wedding was on the fourth, that Monday was the sixth) I finally was able to bring my cats and rats back to my place. FINALLY. (If I didn't mention, or you just didn't know, my pets have been at my parents' house since mid-November so it's been pretty amazing having responsibilities again.) I'm definitely enjoying living in the Cities (though I've only been here for less than two weeks) and it's nice to be living in a house as opposed to an apartment (but it sort of stinks like dog, so that's my one complaint...)
Other than that, not too much is going on with me... I was going to write about my latest boy... happenings... but as it's just "happenings" and not "drama" I think it's a little too early to talk about... obviously not to early to mention, but too early to talk about so if you're interested in how it turns out - stay tuned.
Now that I'm in a location to stay for a little while, I'm hoping I'll be able to write more often. So, here's my latest update and hopefully I'll be back soon!
So far June has been really good. I can't complain. First, I want to send out a huge CONGRATULATIONS to Mr. and Mrs. Jeremy and Heather Mertz (and Cole). Yes, that's right, I started off June with another wedding and though it would've been nice to have a date, I had an absolute blast. The wedding was GORGEOUS, the bride looked AMAZING, the groom was HILARIOUS, and the reception was AWESOME!!! I can't remember a time when I had that much fun at a wedding (no offense to anyone out there - it was just a great wedding to attend).
Then, the Monday following the wedding (the wedding was on the fourth, that Monday was the sixth) I finally was able to bring my cats and rats back to my place. FINALLY. (If I didn't mention, or you just didn't know, my pets have been at my parents' house since mid-November so it's been pretty amazing having responsibilities again.) I'm definitely enjoying living in the Cities (though I've only been here for less than two weeks) and it's nice to be living in a house as opposed to an apartment (but it sort of stinks like dog, so that's my one complaint...)
Other than that, not too much is going on with me... I was going to write about my latest boy... happenings... but as it's just "happenings" and not "drama" I think it's a little too early to talk about... obviously not to early to mention, but too early to talk about so if you're interested in how it turns out - stay tuned.
Now that I'm in a location to stay for a little while, I'm hoping I'll be able to write more often. So, here's my latest update and hopefully I'll be back soon!
Saturday, May 7, 2011
"Something Borrowed" ...
Wow, another month gone... I guess blogging wasn't such a great idea. However, I do enjoy the fact that I have somewhere to vent when needed. Today is such a day.
First off, I think I'll update everyone on the last month of my life as some of the events have brought me where I am today. As usual, most of my last month has been spent working. I'm still doing the trifecta of Rochester, Olivia, and Burnsville; but, I finally have an actual moving date so that helps. My job is going well. My manager has been completely stressed out this past month as we recently lost one of our Assistant Managers to maternity leave. I've actually been healthy this past month - so that's something new and different; and, now that we're heading into the summer months, I actually have things to do on my days off. Though I do enjoy relaxing, I am having a lot of fun going to family gatherings for holidays - like Easter and Mother's Day - and all of the Showers. I also have a wedding to attend this weekend, so that should be fun. I love weddings. I honestly do - but wedding season does bring up a lot of different emotions for a single 25-year-old female.... which brings us to my latest eHarmony fiasco.
I will not bore you with details, but let's just say things were quite busy for awhile, but I ended back at square one. Here's a long story short. Just know it doesn't end well. The guy in my last post - we'll call him... Guy A, did nothing for me. I actually blame him for me not wanting to be in a relationship cause shortly after my post I started texting Mr. M. (I know, these are horrible names but I have to keep them straight somehow!) Anyway, Mr. M seemed really great at first - we had a lot in common, he seemed interesting and interested. So, after about a week or so of texting, we set up a date. I literally worried myself sick up until two hours before we were to meet and... he canceled. (Why he canceled is unimportant, but really, a guy should be able to tough it out through a migraine.) So, being that I was sort of anti-boy anyway, I decided I was done with Mr. M. (I should also mention Guy A was way out of the picture by now.) Moving on... after being canceled on by Mr. M, I sort of jumped into talking to Sir S. Sir S seemed cool and instantly we made plans to meet up. We decided to go to a movie and dinner - and I had a really good time. He was easy to talk to and the "date" went really well. The only issue, if you could even call it that, was the fact that he didn't really know what he wanted. So, what did I do? I asked him. Now, Sir S lived about an hour away from Burnsville (where I will soon be moving) so that was sort of an issue, but after discussion, Sir S informed he that he wanted to exclusively date. Yeah, it seemed kind of fast, but I liked him. He was a lot of fun to talk to and he, like me, was blatantly honest - I liked that. Well, let's just say it didn't work out. Sir S suddenly stopped texting and calling and Mr. M wouldn't STOP texting and calling. I wasn't really feeling Mr. M, but when he asked to hang out as friends, I thought it wouldn't hurt so we decided to see a movie. (This was all during the time Sir S was MIA - no texts, no calls, nothing.) Once again, the day we were supposed to see a movie, Mr. M canceled AGAIN so that was obviously over and I haven't heard from him since. Then, a few days later I received an email from Sir S saying he didn't want a long distance relationship with me and I haven't heard from him since, too. So yeah, my monthly boy saga in a nutshell. I can't really complain since that's the most guy drama I've had in my entire life, but it sort of sucks still being back at square one.
SO, we FINALLY get to the reason why I'm blogging today. Today I went to see the movie "Something Borrowed" with Kate Hudson and Ginnifer Goodwin. Now, I'm not going to go into the whole synopsis of the movie, so if you want to know what happens - go and see it, though I may add some spoilers in the blog so if you don't want to know what happens before you see it - stop reading. I repeat SPOILER ALERT. (By the way, I'm really sorry for the grammar and any other mistakes in this blog; but, I'm just going as fast as I can cause I'm tired and need to go to bed but I also need to get this out.)
Okay, so the movie. To be completely honest, which I always am, it really pissed me off. My mom, whom I saw it with, really enjoyed it but when we were talking about it after I realized it's because she saw it as a movie, I related to it. Basically in the movie, two best friends are in love with the same guy. Quick rundown, Rachel (Ginnifer Goodwin) and Dex meet in law school, Darcy (Kate Hudson) is Rachel's best friend of forever - since they were tiny little girls - and she meets Dex through Rachel who is secretly in love with Dex but then Dex and Darcy get together and are engaged when the movie starts. Somehow, within two months of the wedding, Rachel tells Dex how she used to have feelings for him in law school and they start this fling of a romance. Of course, in the movie Rachel is our heroine as she's the main character so they try to make it seem like she and Dex are soulmates and that Darcy is all wrong for him. Then Ethan, who's Rachel's good guy friend since childhood, sort of adds to the mix by being Rachel's confidant and guru. I bet you didn't see this coming, Ethan is secretly in love with Rachel! (DRAMA!) But anyway, in the end the wedding is called off, Darcy is pregnant with one of Dex's guy friends (cause she cheated on Dex when they were engaged), Darcy finds out about Rachel and Dex and tells her she hates her, Ethan admits his feelings for Rachel, and Rachel and Dex end up together. This may sound all fine and good, but the last scene really just ruins everything. It's two months after Darcy found out about Dex and Rachel and told Rachel she hated her and never wanted to speak to her again and Darcy and Rachel randomly bump into each other on the street. Now, to me it was obvious but it wasn't to mom, that they try to make it seem like Darcy is just trying to save face when she tells Rachel she's never been happier. Rachel smiles and says, "I'm glad, Darcy. I miss you every day." and then they start walking their separate ways and Darcy says, "I really am happy." and they walk away from each other looking back and smiling and then Rachel meets up with Dex and it's all good. BUT, it shouldn't be good! The whole movie Dex and Rachel are just being backstabbing, selfish assholes and yes, Darcy cheats on Dex, but he was cheating on her, too! But, of course, it's all okay because Dex and Rachel are soulmates. Dex and Rachel are in love. Dex and Rachel are meant for each other. Blah, blah, blah. Why is it so important in our society to be "in love"? I mean, that's the answer for everything! This movie basically says you can screw over your BEST friend of 25 years as long as it's for someone you're in love with. I personally think that's bullshit. Perhaps it's because I've never been in love with someone who's been in love with me, but I would like to think it's because I actually value my friendships. Like I was saying to Mom on the car ride home - I guess I'm just weird. I guess it could be that I've had "friends" break "girl code" before, but I just don't understand why a sexual relationship is more important than a friendship. I mean, that's really what it comes down to, right? Trust me, I've had numerous friends think that and that's probably why I'm not very close with those people anymore. Am I wrong for that? I've noticed that in movies and in life it's always the one who did the hurting that wants everything to be okay. It's not okay. It will never be okay. Even if two people overcome one of them stabbing the other in the back, it's never fully the same. It all comes down to trust. Maybe that's the reason why I've never had a romantic relationship, I don't want to trust anyone else. Right now I have a great friend base. I know my best friend will always be there for me. One of the worst parts of this past month was not being able to talk to Kathryn. She seriously makes everything better for me. Many times I truly believe SHE is my soulmate. I always feel comfortable with who I am when I'm around her and I think that's the most important thing.
So, I guess I don't really know what I had to get off my chest but I do feel better. I just don't understand why society pressures us to fall in love when loving someone - even as a friend - should be the real goal in life. As for my situation with guys right now - I said it in my last blog and I'll say it again. I don't want a relationship. I don't remember if I gave a reason why in my last blog, but I'm realizing that I have love in my life and that's enough. I don't need a guy to complete me. I like who I am. I'm content. If I do meet a guy, great, I guess - but he should know that I know what I want and if he's not it, I'm not going to settle just so I can be "normal" or I should say what this society wants one to think is normal.
For all you haters out there. Yes, this is going to some specific people and I want those people to know that I am happy. We all have our ups and downs and I think one of the most emotionally volatile times in our lives is when we come into our own. I'm proud to say that I'm coming into my own independently. I don't feel the need to have a significant other by my side. Now, let me be clear, I don't think everyone who may have gotten married young isn't independent or needed to have that other person, but I do know a lot of people who feel like they're no one, nothing, unless they have someone there to tell them otherwise. I'm really glad I'm not one of those people - but I'm even happier knowing that if I do need someone by my side to pick me up I'll have someone. I may not be IN love with them and I'm definitely not having sex with them, but they're there.
I recently had a facebook status saying that I knew a lot of shitty people and very few good ones. I wouldn't say that's false necessarily, but I would say that the good ones definitely make up for the shitty ones. Although, I don't always remember that and I really should cause I have some great friends and some amazing family members.
So look at me, world! I'm 25. I'm single. I'm HAPPY! I know who I am and I'm happy with that. I don't need you or anyone else to tell me what will make me happy. You don't know me, but you really should - cause I'm one helluva woman. I am Ashley, hear me roar.
First off, I think I'll update everyone on the last month of my life as some of the events have brought me where I am today. As usual, most of my last month has been spent working. I'm still doing the trifecta of Rochester, Olivia, and Burnsville; but, I finally have an actual moving date so that helps. My job is going well. My manager has been completely stressed out this past month as we recently lost one of our Assistant Managers to maternity leave. I've actually been healthy this past month - so that's something new and different; and, now that we're heading into the summer months, I actually have things to do on my days off. Though I do enjoy relaxing, I am having a lot of fun going to family gatherings for holidays - like Easter and Mother's Day - and all of the Showers. I also have a wedding to attend this weekend, so that should be fun. I love weddings. I honestly do - but wedding season does bring up a lot of different emotions for a single 25-year-old female.... which brings us to my latest eHarmony fiasco.
I will not bore you with details, but let's just say things were quite busy for awhile, but I ended back at square one. Here's a long story short. Just know it doesn't end well. The guy in my last post - we'll call him... Guy A, did nothing for me. I actually blame him for me not wanting to be in a relationship cause shortly after my post I started texting Mr. M. (I know, these are horrible names but I have to keep them straight somehow!) Anyway, Mr. M seemed really great at first - we had a lot in common, he seemed interesting and interested. So, after about a week or so of texting, we set up a date. I literally worried myself sick up until two hours before we were to meet and... he canceled. (Why he canceled is unimportant, but really, a guy should be able to tough it out through a migraine.) So, being that I was sort of anti-boy anyway, I decided I was done with Mr. M. (I should also mention Guy A was way out of the picture by now.) Moving on... after being canceled on by Mr. M, I sort of jumped into talking to Sir S. Sir S seemed cool and instantly we made plans to meet up. We decided to go to a movie and dinner - and I had a really good time. He was easy to talk to and the "date" went really well. The only issue, if you could even call it that, was the fact that he didn't really know what he wanted. So, what did I do? I asked him. Now, Sir S lived about an hour away from Burnsville (where I will soon be moving) so that was sort of an issue, but after discussion, Sir S informed he that he wanted to exclusively date. Yeah, it seemed kind of fast, but I liked him. He was a lot of fun to talk to and he, like me, was blatantly honest - I liked that. Well, let's just say it didn't work out. Sir S suddenly stopped texting and calling and Mr. M wouldn't STOP texting and calling. I wasn't really feeling Mr. M, but when he asked to hang out as friends, I thought it wouldn't hurt so we decided to see a movie. (This was all during the time Sir S was MIA - no texts, no calls, nothing.) Once again, the day we were supposed to see a movie, Mr. M canceled AGAIN so that was obviously over and I haven't heard from him since. Then, a few days later I received an email from Sir S saying he didn't want a long distance relationship with me and I haven't heard from him since, too. So yeah, my monthly boy saga in a nutshell. I can't really complain since that's the most guy drama I've had in my entire life, but it sort of sucks still being back at square one.
SO, we FINALLY get to the reason why I'm blogging today. Today I went to see the movie "Something Borrowed" with Kate Hudson and Ginnifer Goodwin. Now, I'm not going to go into the whole synopsis of the movie, so if you want to know what happens - go and see it, though I may add some spoilers in the blog so if you don't want to know what happens before you see it - stop reading. I repeat SPOILER ALERT. (By the way, I'm really sorry for the grammar and any other mistakes in this blog; but, I'm just going as fast as I can cause I'm tired and need to go to bed but I also need to get this out.)
Okay, so the movie. To be completely honest, which I always am, it really pissed me off. My mom, whom I saw it with, really enjoyed it but when we were talking about it after I realized it's because she saw it as a movie, I related to it. Basically in the movie, two best friends are in love with the same guy. Quick rundown, Rachel (Ginnifer Goodwin) and Dex meet in law school, Darcy (Kate Hudson) is Rachel's best friend of forever - since they were tiny little girls - and she meets Dex through Rachel who is secretly in love with Dex but then Dex and Darcy get together and are engaged when the movie starts. Somehow, within two months of the wedding, Rachel tells Dex how she used to have feelings for him in law school and they start this fling of a romance. Of course, in the movie Rachel is our heroine as she's the main character so they try to make it seem like she and Dex are soulmates and that Darcy is all wrong for him. Then Ethan, who's Rachel's good guy friend since childhood, sort of adds to the mix by being Rachel's confidant and guru. I bet you didn't see this coming, Ethan is secretly in love with Rachel! (DRAMA!) But anyway, in the end the wedding is called off, Darcy is pregnant with one of Dex's guy friends (cause she cheated on Dex when they were engaged), Darcy finds out about Rachel and Dex and tells her she hates her, Ethan admits his feelings for Rachel, and Rachel and Dex end up together. This may sound all fine and good, but the last scene really just ruins everything. It's two months after Darcy found out about Dex and Rachel and told Rachel she hated her and never wanted to speak to her again and Darcy and Rachel randomly bump into each other on the street. Now, to me it was obvious but it wasn't to mom, that they try to make it seem like Darcy is just trying to save face when she tells Rachel she's never been happier. Rachel smiles and says, "I'm glad, Darcy. I miss you every day." and then they start walking their separate ways and Darcy says, "I really am happy." and they walk away from each other looking back and smiling and then Rachel meets up with Dex and it's all good. BUT, it shouldn't be good! The whole movie Dex and Rachel are just being backstabbing, selfish assholes and yes, Darcy cheats on Dex, but he was cheating on her, too! But, of course, it's all okay because Dex and Rachel are soulmates. Dex and Rachel are in love. Dex and Rachel are meant for each other. Blah, blah, blah. Why is it so important in our society to be "in love"? I mean, that's the answer for everything! This movie basically says you can screw over your BEST friend of 25 years as long as it's for someone you're in love with. I personally think that's bullshit. Perhaps it's because I've never been in love with someone who's been in love with me, but I would like to think it's because I actually value my friendships. Like I was saying to Mom on the car ride home - I guess I'm just weird. I guess it could be that I've had "friends" break "girl code" before, but I just don't understand why a sexual relationship is more important than a friendship. I mean, that's really what it comes down to, right? Trust me, I've had numerous friends think that and that's probably why I'm not very close with those people anymore. Am I wrong for that? I've noticed that in movies and in life it's always the one who did the hurting that wants everything to be okay. It's not okay. It will never be okay. Even if two people overcome one of them stabbing the other in the back, it's never fully the same. It all comes down to trust. Maybe that's the reason why I've never had a romantic relationship, I don't want to trust anyone else. Right now I have a great friend base. I know my best friend will always be there for me. One of the worst parts of this past month was not being able to talk to Kathryn. She seriously makes everything better for me. Many times I truly believe SHE is my soulmate. I always feel comfortable with who I am when I'm around her and I think that's the most important thing.
So, I guess I don't really know what I had to get off my chest but I do feel better. I just don't understand why society pressures us to fall in love when loving someone - even as a friend - should be the real goal in life. As for my situation with guys right now - I said it in my last blog and I'll say it again. I don't want a relationship. I don't remember if I gave a reason why in my last blog, but I'm realizing that I have love in my life and that's enough. I don't need a guy to complete me. I like who I am. I'm content. If I do meet a guy, great, I guess - but he should know that I know what I want and if he's not it, I'm not going to settle just so I can be "normal" or I should say what this society wants one to think is normal.
For all you haters out there. Yes, this is going to some specific people and I want those people to know that I am happy. We all have our ups and downs and I think one of the most emotionally volatile times in our lives is when we come into our own. I'm proud to say that I'm coming into my own independently. I don't feel the need to have a significant other by my side. Now, let me be clear, I don't think everyone who may have gotten married young isn't independent or needed to have that other person, but I do know a lot of people who feel like they're no one, nothing, unless they have someone there to tell them otherwise. I'm really glad I'm not one of those people - but I'm even happier knowing that if I do need someone by my side to pick me up I'll have someone. I may not be IN love with them and I'm definitely not having sex with them, but they're there.
I recently had a facebook status saying that I knew a lot of shitty people and very few good ones. I wouldn't say that's false necessarily, but I would say that the good ones definitely make up for the shitty ones. Although, I don't always remember that and I really should cause I have some great friends and some amazing family members.
So look at me, world! I'm 25. I'm single. I'm HAPPY! I know who I am and I'm happy with that. I don't need you or anyone else to tell me what will make me happy. You don't know me, but you really should - cause I'm one helluva woman. I am Ashley, hear me roar.
Tuesday, April 5, 2011
Apologies, Congratulations, and a whole lot of work...
First off, I want to start by apologizing to all of my close followers. So, I'm sorry (insert your name here)...
Alright, since that's done... Actually, I can't just go onto the big stuff without giving some sort of explanation (or at least a rundown of what's been going on in my life). Though it's not an excuse (cause I don't need an excuse to not blog... this is mostly for me, after all), I will say the reason I haven't been writing is because I've been working and "traveling" so much. It all started with a nine-day stretch during which I got sick. Plus, I've had this pain in my back for at least two months so anytime I had a day off, I would go to the doctor to find out what I was sick with or what that pain was from. Though I'm still not feeling 100%, I am feeling better (I had ear infections and mastoiditis) and apparently the pain in my back is most likely a cracked rib (yay...). That's basically what my life has been for the last month - just a constant of working, driving to Rochester, Olivia, or Elaine's, and pain management. This will probably be true about the next month as well (I'm FINALLY moving to Burnsville in May) but I'm hoping to write more. If I can't, most likely I'm working, eating, sleeping, driving, and repeat...
This past month did bring a big event, however. (Other than the cracked rib revelation...)
On March 26th my sister, Lora, and her then boyfriend, Christain, got engaged!!! So yes, on top of the above said routine, I've also been talking to my sister a lot about her upcoming June 2012 wedding. It's a pretty exciting time. It's crazy, part of me feels like it's so far away, but at the same time, since they need to book the church, reception venue, DJ, photographer, etc. and so forth right now, part of me feels like we have absolutely no time to plan the wedding at all! I'm just glad it's not MY wedding. Still, Congratulations to the happy couple and I'm so excited for the next 14 months. (Well, excited for everything but the diet...)
Being that we're on the subject of love... let me give you a quick eHarmony update. I've been talking to one guy over text message and I think I've decided that I'm not ready for a relationship. I realized when Lora got engaged that I'm looking for a relationship because I feel like that's the "normal" thing to do, not because that's what would necessarily make me happy right now. I guess that's probably not a big revelation, though it's one I wish I had BEFORE joining eHarmony... but I'm making the best of my remaining time, so wish me luck and I'll keep you updated.
Last but not least - (like I said, I really haven't done much but work since my last post so I don't have much to say) I'm going to leave you with a poem I recently found. Finding the poem tonight was actually why I decided to post today instead of tomorrow - it has refreshed my love of writing (though, please don't judge my writing off of my blog) and I hope to do more once I'm settled in Burnsville. Anyway, this poem I wrote in my college Creative Writing class in 2005. Closing this blog with this poem is important to me because writing this poem brought a lot of closure.
"Lawrence"
The wind tosses the mixing
smell of crisp snow
with the greasy aroma coming
from The Cafe. The February morning is
cold and
the fierce screaming of the wind shatters through
clattering windows like icebergs. The tiny town of Lawrence has
been swallowed by "The Nothing". Lawrence's little white church's
siding has evaporated. A ice blue ranch-style house, which was painted last summer is
visible, but only for a glimpsethrough
the wind and the snow. The brown house
next to it has been taken, it is
as if it was drawn on a chalkboard, but
erased away.
The chruch blocks the wind and
the neighbors' metallic silver horse barn is easily seen. It
reflects off the un-relentless sizzle of the sun.
The side of town is in
the season that came before, no snow to be seen except when Mayor Bill drives by. His
mint green 4x4 pickup plastered with the white dust
stands out like the lead character of a play, being shined on by a spotlight. He waves as
he drives past. He's coming from The Cafe bringing
its greasy aroma from across town where the weather's winding down.
Alright, since that's done... Actually, I can't just go onto the big stuff without giving some sort of explanation (or at least a rundown of what's been going on in my life). Though it's not an excuse (cause I don't need an excuse to not blog... this is mostly for me, after all), I will say the reason I haven't been writing is because I've been working and "traveling" so much. It all started with a nine-day stretch during which I got sick. Plus, I've had this pain in my back for at least two months so anytime I had a day off, I would go to the doctor to find out what I was sick with or what that pain was from. Though I'm still not feeling 100%, I am feeling better (I had ear infections and mastoiditis) and apparently the pain in my back is most likely a cracked rib (yay...). That's basically what my life has been for the last month - just a constant of working, driving to Rochester, Olivia, or Elaine's, and pain management. This will probably be true about the next month as well (I'm FINALLY moving to Burnsville in May) but I'm hoping to write more. If I can't, most likely I'm working, eating, sleeping, driving, and repeat...
This past month did bring a big event, however. (Other than the cracked rib revelation...)
On March 26th my sister, Lora, and her then boyfriend, Christain, got engaged!!! So yes, on top of the above said routine, I've also been talking to my sister a lot about her upcoming June 2012 wedding. It's a pretty exciting time. It's crazy, part of me feels like it's so far away, but at the same time, since they need to book the church, reception venue, DJ, photographer, etc. and so forth right now, part of me feels like we have absolutely no time to plan the wedding at all! I'm just glad it's not MY wedding. Still, Congratulations to the happy couple and I'm so excited for the next 14 months. (Well, excited for everything but the diet...)
Being that we're on the subject of love... let me give you a quick eHarmony update. I've been talking to one guy over text message and I think I've decided that I'm not ready for a relationship. I realized when Lora got engaged that I'm looking for a relationship because I feel like that's the "normal" thing to do, not because that's what would necessarily make me happy right now. I guess that's probably not a big revelation, though it's one I wish I had BEFORE joining eHarmony... but I'm making the best of my remaining time, so wish me luck and I'll keep you updated.
Last but not least - (like I said, I really haven't done much but work since my last post so I don't have much to say) I'm going to leave you with a poem I recently found. Finding the poem tonight was actually why I decided to post today instead of tomorrow - it has refreshed my love of writing (though, please don't judge my writing off of my blog) and I hope to do more once I'm settled in Burnsville. Anyway, this poem I wrote in my college Creative Writing class in 2005. Closing this blog with this poem is important to me because writing this poem brought a lot of closure.
"Lawrence"
The wind tosses the mixing
smell of crisp snow
with the greasy aroma coming
from The Cafe. The February morning is
cold and
the fierce screaming of the wind shatters through
clattering windows like icebergs. The tiny town of Lawrence has
been swallowed by "The Nothing". Lawrence's little white church's
siding has evaporated. A ice blue ranch-style house, which was painted last summer is
visible, but only for a glimpsethrough
the wind and the snow. The brown house
next to it has been taken, it is
as if it was drawn on a chalkboard, but
erased away.
The chruch blocks the wind and
the neighbors' metallic silver horse barn is easily seen. It
reflects off the un-relentless sizzle of the sun.
The side of town is in
the season that came before, no snow to be seen except when Mayor Bill drives by. His
mint green 4x4 pickup plastered with the white dust
stands out like the lead character of a play, being shined on by a spotlight. He waves as
he drives past. He's coming from The Cafe bringing
its greasy aroma from across town where the weather's winding down.
Thursday, March 3, 2011
In the Land of B's....
Oddly enough, the last week or so of my life can be summed up with the letter B. So, in the words of the great Big Bird: Today's Blog is brought to you by the letter B.
Brazil:
On Monday I found out Kathryn, the best friend, made it safely to Brazil. She's staying there for a week before she goes to Peru for six months. Though her bags didn't make it until the day after she got there (boo-hoo), one can't help but be jealous. It seems like her life is one big luck-fest. Of course, she was in Christchurch for the big earthquake and I do not envy her that at all; but, she also had planned this trip to Brazil/Peru months ago and her departure date was less than a week after the earthquake. Yeah. Ya know those images of people who have the rain cloud over their heads just following them wherever they go? Yeah, if Kathryn's life was a cartoon, her character would have a big sun over her head that was dripping candies and had little angels doing whatever she desired. Lucky bitch... gotta love her...
Beasts:
I read Kathryn's message (she sent me the message on facebook) while I was working, which brings me to my next topic. Beasts. Call them what you will: vultures, sharks, dogs; but, sales people (if they work on commission) are BEASTS. As I'm slowly getting to the next step of my work program (ya know, my "fast track to management" program), I'm starting to wonder if I'm cut out for the sales world. Sure, I understand it's a tough world out there and sometimes you just have to stab someone in the back, but how does one do that in a professional setting? (That's not a rhetorical question. Please leave your answers below.) I know that in the world of retail it's all about numbers, but I don't know if I have the ability to get those numbers. Believe it or not, I actually like most of the people I work with and though I wouldn't consider them friends (yet), I also don't know if I could snipe them out of a sale to benefit myself. I worry I'll have more of a "I'll get the next one" attitude but in this dog-eat-dog world, that attitude gets you fired. So, as I drove home Tuesday night I started to worry about this amongst other things which, you guessed it, brings us to our next B topic...
Boys, Bridges, and Breakthroughs:
So, I'm driving home, worrying about my job and trying to figure out what that will mean for me financially, mentally, physically, the whole nine yards when my cell phone starts flashing. If my phone didn't ring and it starts flashing, that means I received an e-mail. An e-mail. I guess I'm getting too far ahead of myself. I should probably explain why I find getting and e-mail overly dramatic these days....
Almost a week ago I started talking to a guy on eHarmony. He seems really nice and I'm not going to give you any details as of yet cause who knows what will happen... anyway, within a 24-hour period we went through the first three stages of eHarmony's "Guided Communication" and even sent a couple of e-mails to each other and now... NOTHING. I haven't heard from him in almost a week. It's like he fell off the face of this earth. And so, that's why I get those GD butterflies in my stomach every time I see that I have an e-mail. Anyway, revert back now, I'm in my car driving home from work, worrying about work, and then my phone starts flashing... an e-mail.
It was junk mail but it did make my brain go in a different direction. Now, I wasn't worrying about work and my selling skills (or perhaps lack thereof), I was thinking about boys. Why won't [eHarmony guy's name here] write me back? Did something bad happen to him or is he just no longer interested? Should I move on? I do have a crush on someone else, but he's definitely not interested and kind of off limits... Why do I always get crushes on the unattainable? Also, is there some underlying issue that makes me fall "in love" with celebrities? Why do guys not like me? Is it my physical appearance, my personality, both? As a semi-open bisexual, why do I only go for guys? etc. and so forth. (It's a long drive home and I thought about it for the majority of my drive.) Some of these questions I can answer with simple, surface-level answers. Some of them I can't or don't want to answer because they have insanely deep issues attached to them and I don't want to go there. Some of them ARE rhetorical (so please, no opinions from the peanut gallery) and some of them I may want the answers to, but only if they're nice. So, I got home, hung out with my cats, drew my mind to a different place and went to bed. I woke up in the morning with the "it's a new day" attitude. I got in my car (I had to work again so yes, another two hour drive back to the Cities) and started down the road...
Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear. (That one's for you, dude!) Unfortunately for me, the thoughts that appeared in my head on the drive back to work were along the same lines as the thoughts on my drive home the night before and so came my breakthrough. I'm not going to explain to you how I got there, it was long, tedious, and semi-schizophrenic but I went there and I dug down and I hit one of those deep issues. (Ya know the whole, "Some of them I can't or don't want to answer because they have insanely deep issues attached to them and I don't want to go there." ... On a bright note, the one issue answered many questions, but it was really one of those "this is really going to ruin your day" breakthroughs.) Anyway, I realized that I associate being in love (not love in the sense of "I love my friends and family", but romantic relationship "IN love") with rejection. Those of you who know me are probably having the same reaction as my mom. I believe her exact words were, "Oh... yeah.. Duh." Yet, it sucked/sucks for me. My mom claims that now that I know this issue I will be able to resolve the issue. I don't know if I'm so sure about that. I guess I see it like I see my weight. I understand I'm overweight. I know that I am overweight. I understand and know that it's an issue. Have I resolved the issue? No.
I guess only time will tell what this breakthrough will mean for me. It makes so much sense now why I burn certain bridges and end things with certain guys before it goes anywhere. I've only been in love with one boy for sure and he definitely didn't feel the same way about me - and the other two guys I thought I may have been in love with at one point in time also gave me my fair share of rejection. I think that's why I don't go for girls - I don't want to be rejected by both genders and it's just easier for me to burn that bridge before I even remotely think of crossing it. Depressing thought, eh?
Here's another one for ya...
Buffets:
My dad and I went to a Chinese buffet yesterday and I couldn't help but notice the irony. We were in a smaller town (I mean, bigger than some, definitely not a big city) and yet there was such diversity at this one little buffet. We saw Latinos, Asians (of course Asians - it was a CHINESE Buffet), Caucasians, and even Somalians and yet there was so much ignorance! On the table to my left, this sort of trailer-trash (yes, I'm judging a book by it's cover... and the conversation they were having) were talking about how "the Chinese really know how to cook chicken probably because it's easy to eat with chopsticks", and the table to my right, which were four 70 yr. old plus folks were talking about how Somalian children were so beautiful because "they have that been burned for thousands of years look". It was such a hard meal to finish as I kept hearing these comments and I realized (and perhaps it was more prominent because of my newest breakthrough) that one can live a life full of ignorance. These people are 100% living the "ignorance is bliss" cliche and I was actually jealous of them. So, here is where my blog post comes full circle and how I'm going to end it...
Kathryn is probably one of the most well-rounded individuals I know. She lives a life that almost anyone would be, could be, and should be jealous of and she's so blissfully happy. Then, there are the people at the buffet who seemed like the definition of ignorance and yet they, too, are blissfully happy. Then there's me. I'm living in the land of B's - this has been a week of Brazil, Beasts, Boys, Bridges, Breakthroughs, and Buffets - but never in my life has the B equaled Bliss... so, here's to the hopes that this Blog will bring Bliss to someone. I may not be blissful right now, but I do think I'm on the right track of getting there... B-lieve it or not. Haha. Yeah... I'm a dork.... =D
Brazil:
On Monday I found out Kathryn, the best friend, made it safely to Brazil. She's staying there for a week before she goes to Peru for six months. Though her bags didn't make it until the day after she got there (boo-hoo), one can't help but be jealous. It seems like her life is one big luck-fest. Of course, she was in Christchurch for the big earthquake and I do not envy her that at all; but, she also had planned this trip to Brazil/Peru months ago and her departure date was less than a week after the earthquake. Yeah. Ya know those images of people who have the rain cloud over their heads just following them wherever they go? Yeah, if Kathryn's life was a cartoon, her character would have a big sun over her head that was dripping candies and had little angels doing whatever she desired. Lucky bitch... gotta love her...
Beasts:
I read Kathryn's message (she sent me the message on facebook) while I was working, which brings me to my next topic. Beasts. Call them what you will: vultures, sharks, dogs; but, sales people (if they work on commission) are BEASTS. As I'm slowly getting to the next step of my work program (ya know, my "fast track to management" program), I'm starting to wonder if I'm cut out for the sales world. Sure, I understand it's a tough world out there and sometimes you just have to stab someone in the back, but how does one do that in a professional setting? (That's not a rhetorical question. Please leave your answers below.) I know that in the world of retail it's all about numbers, but I don't know if I have the ability to get those numbers. Believe it or not, I actually like most of the people I work with and though I wouldn't consider them friends (yet), I also don't know if I could snipe them out of a sale to benefit myself. I worry I'll have more of a "I'll get the next one" attitude but in this dog-eat-dog world, that attitude gets you fired. So, as I drove home Tuesday night I started to worry about this amongst other things which, you guessed it, brings us to our next B topic...
Boys, Bridges, and Breakthroughs:
So, I'm driving home, worrying about my job and trying to figure out what that will mean for me financially, mentally, physically, the whole nine yards when my cell phone starts flashing. If my phone didn't ring and it starts flashing, that means I received an e-mail. An e-mail. I guess I'm getting too far ahead of myself. I should probably explain why I find getting and e-mail overly dramatic these days....
Almost a week ago I started talking to a guy on eHarmony. He seems really nice and I'm not going to give you any details as of yet cause who knows what will happen... anyway, within a 24-hour period we went through the first three stages of eHarmony's "Guided Communication" and even sent a couple of e-mails to each other and now... NOTHING. I haven't heard from him in almost a week. It's like he fell off the face of this earth. And so, that's why I get those GD butterflies in my stomach every time I see that I have an e-mail. Anyway, revert back now, I'm in my car driving home from work, worrying about work, and then my phone starts flashing... an e-mail.
It was junk mail but it did make my brain go in a different direction. Now, I wasn't worrying about work and my selling skills (or perhaps lack thereof), I was thinking about boys. Why won't [eHarmony guy's name here] write me back? Did something bad happen to him or is he just no longer interested? Should I move on? I do have a crush on someone else, but he's definitely not interested and kind of off limits... Why do I always get crushes on the unattainable? Also, is there some underlying issue that makes me fall "in love" with celebrities? Why do guys not like me? Is it my physical appearance, my personality, both? As a semi-open bisexual, why do I only go for guys? etc. and so forth. (It's a long drive home and I thought about it for the majority of my drive.) Some of these questions I can answer with simple, surface-level answers. Some of them I can't or don't want to answer because they have insanely deep issues attached to them and I don't want to go there. Some of them ARE rhetorical (so please, no opinions from the peanut gallery) and some of them I may want the answers to, but only if they're nice. So, I got home, hung out with my cats, drew my mind to a different place and went to bed. I woke up in the morning with the "it's a new day" attitude. I got in my car (I had to work again so yes, another two hour drive back to the Cities) and started down the road...
Who knows where thoughts come from? They just appear. (That one's for you, dude!) Unfortunately for me, the thoughts that appeared in my head on the drive back to work were along the same lines as the thoughts on my drive home the night before and so came my breakthrough. I'm not going to explain to you how I got there, it was long, tedious, and semi-schizophrenic but I went there and I dug down and I hit one of those deep issues. (Ya know the whole, "Some of them I can't or don't want to answer because they have insanely deep issues attached to them and I don't want to go there." ... On a bright note, the one issue answered many questions, but it was really one of those "this is really going to ruin your day" breakthroughs.) Anyway, I realized that I associate being in love (not love in the sense of "I love my friends and family", but romantic relationship "IN love") with rejection. Those of you who know me are probably having the same reaction as my mom. I believe her exact words were, "Oh... yeah.. Duh." Yet, it sucked/sucks for me. My mom claims that now that I know this issue I will be able to resolve the issue. I don't know if I'm so sure about that. I guess I see it like I see my weight. I understand I'm overweight. I know that I am overweight. I understand and know that it's an issue. Have I resolved the issue? No.
I guess only time will tell what this breakthrough will mean for me. It makes so much sense now why I burn certain bridges and end things with certain guys before it goes anywhere. I've only been in love with one boy for sure and he definitely didn't feel the same way about me - and the other two guys I thought I may have been in love with at one point in time also gave me my fair share of rejection. I think that's why I don't go for girls - I don't want to be rejected by both genders and it's just easier for me to burn that bridge before I even remotely think of crossing it. Depressing thought, eh?
Here's another one for ya...
Buffets:
My dad and I went to a Chinese buffet yesterday and I couldn't help but notice the irony. We were in a smaller town (I mean, bigger than some, definitely not a big city) and yet there was such diversity at this one little buffet. We saw Latinos, Asians (of course Asians - it was a CHINESE Buffet), Caucasians, and even Somalians and yet there was so much ignorance! On the table to my left, this sort of trailer-trash (yes, I'm judging a book by it's cover... and the conversation they were having) were talking about how "the Chinese really know how to cook chicken probably because it's easy to eat with chopsticks", and the table to my right, which were four 70 yr. old plus folks were talking about how Somalian children were so beautiful because "they have that been burned for thousands of years look". It was such a hard meal to finish as I kept hearing these comments and I realized (and perhaps it was more prominent because of my newest breakthrough) that one can live a life full of ignorance. These people are 100% living the "ignorance is bliss" cliche and I was actually jealous of them. So, here is where my blog post comes full circle and how I'm going to end it...
Kathryn is probably one of the most well-rounded individuals I know. She lives a life that almost anyone would be, could be, and should be jealous of and she's so blissfully happy. Then, there are the people at the buffet who seemed like the definition of ignorance and yet they, too, are blissfully happy. Then there's me. I'm living in the land of B's - this has been a week of Brazil, Beasts, Boys, Bridges, Breakthroughs, and Buffets - but never in my life has the B equaled Bliss... so, here's to the hopes that this Blog will bring Bliss to someone. I may not be blissful right now, but I do think I'm on the right track of getting there... B-lieve it or not. Haha. Yeah... I'm a dork.... =D
Wednesday, February 23, 2011
All About Me... and My Best Friend
The last 38 hours have been quite a roller coaster for me. Around 7:45 p.m. on Monday night I heard about the shallow 6.3 earthquake that hit Christchurch, New Zealand. Christchurch is like a second home to me as I lived there for 9 months in 2007. Other than my best friend Kathryn, whom I mentioned in my last post, I also have about a handful of other friends who live there, too. So, as news came out saying how bad it was and that there were fatalities, I was obviously freaking out a bit. I'm pretty much a worrier anyway; and, in that moment, I realized that having friends, and especially a best friend, on the other side of the world probably isn't a good idea for someone who worries a lot. Five months ago another earthquake hit Christchurch but as soon as I had heard about the earthquake we were hearing reports that there were no fatalities. So, this one was different. Way different.
It's amazing how one hears the word "fatalities" and instantly gets that gut-wrenching feeling that you know one of them. (Thankfully, my gut-wrenching feeling was wrong as I have officially heard from everyone I know in Chch and they're okay.) Of course, my mind went straight to Kathryn, who is unlike anyone else I've ever known. She's 100% confident in anything she does and has an independent streak in her like none other. That being said, I had no idea where she would be during the earthquake (which happened at 12:51 p.m. NZ time on a Tuesday). I knew she was getting ready for her trip to South America and was horrified at the thought that she may have been doing some last minute shopping. The point is... well, there really isn't a point.. but because of this experience I've recently realized all the stupid things that runs through ones head in a time of uncertainty. I started thinking about what a wonderful spirit Kathryn is and thoughts from "she's too tough to be taken out by a natural disaster" to "the good do die young" ran through my head like wildfire. I started to think about the last time I talked to her (the Thursday prior - since it's cheaper for her to call me, I never call her and so we talk maybe once a week if we're lucky...) and what we talked about (obviously we talked about her trip to South America, but a lot of the conversation was me stressing out about my life). I then was thinking about the last time I actually saw her and hung out with her in person; (it was in January of 2009, she had come to visit me after visiting her family in Canada,) but, the worst thoughts in those 18 or so hours between hearing about the earthquake and hearing she was okay were the thoughts revolving around the missed opportunities we had. The missed opportunities I had.
This past year, 2010, she had not only been in Canada but also in Los Angeles and I didn't go see her because of my job. Of course my job is important, but in comparison to seeing a loved one when it may have been your last chance, it seems so foolish. Then again, in your 20s one shouldn't feel like this could be your last chance, right? So, perhaps that thought is what's foolish.... I guess this whole thought process comes down to choices. The choices we make, the times when we felt like we didn't have a choice, our thoughts relating to those choices, etc. and it makes me wonder, how many people are happy with every single choice they've made?
Kathryn and I are in many ways polar opposites but sometimes we're too much alike. She's taught me so much and I hope some of my wisdom and advice has gotten through to her, too. We always joke that if we were one brain, she would be the id and I would be the super-ego. Like I mentioned earlier, she's completely different than anyone I've ever known and she's nothing like my past "best" friends. In my 25 years, I'll admit I've had a few "BFFs" and I still have my share of "best friends". I don't want people to think just because I talk about one in particular that she is my BEST friend. I have a great group of friends who mean the world to me. Though, I will admit, that I feel a special connection to Kathryn and I think it's because she's taught me that I'm okay the way I am. I realized something yesterday as my brain was decompressing from the anxiety it had been feeling and that is: Friends will come and go, but you will remain the same. For years when a friend would "screw me over" or a friendship would just end for whatever reason, I would wonder what was wrong with me. I felt ashamed that I couldn't keep these friendships going and I would talk to my parents or my sister and ask them why they thought the friendship had ended and they always had their opinion. Most of the time, it was because I was too hard on my friends. My family said that I ask too much from my friends. I didn't just let them be themselves, they said. But Kathryn has taught me that friendship is a two way street and if I wasn't allowing my friends to be the way they were, then they weren't allowing me to be the way I was either. I have never felt that way with Kathryn. She has taught me what it means to be a true friend. So, this post is for my best friend, Kathryn. After the hell you put me through for 18 hours, I just want to say that I love you. I miss you. and Thanks. I hope to see you soon. Love you!
It's amazing how one hears the word "fatalities" and instantly gets that gut-wrenching feeling that you know one of them. (Thankfully, my gut-wrenching feeling was wrong as I have officially heard from everyone I know in Chch and they're okay.) Of course, my mind went straight to Kathryn, who is unlike anyone else I've ever known. She's 100% confident in anything she does and has an independent streak in her like none other. That being said, I had no idea where she would be during the earthquake (which happened at 12:51 p.m. NZ time on a Tuesday). I knew she was getting ready for her trip to South America and was horrified at the thought that she may have been doing some last minute shopping. The point is... well, there really isn't a point.. but because of this experience I've recently realized all the stupid things that runs through ones head in a time of uncertainty. I started thinking about what a wonderful spirit Kathryn is and thoughts from "she's too tough to be taken out by a natural disaster" to "the good do die young" ran through my head like wildfire. I started to think about the last time I talked to her (the Thursday prior - since it's cheaper for her to call me, I never call her and so we talk maybe once a week if we're lucky...) and what we talked about (obviously we talked about her trip to South America, but a lot of the conversation was me stressing out about my life). I then was thinking about the last time I actually saw her and hung out with her in person; (it was in January of 2009, she had come to visit me after visiting her family in Canada,) but, the worst thoughts in those 18 or so hours between hearing about the earthquake and hearing she was okay were the thoughts revolving around the missed opportunities we had. The missed opportunities I had.
This past year, 2010, she had not only been in Canada but also in Los Angeles and I didn't go see her because of my job. Of course my job is important, but in comparison to seeing a loved one when it may have been your last chance, it seems so foolish. Then again, in your 20s one shouldn't feel like this could be your last chance, right? So, perhaps that thought is what's foolish.... I guess this whole thought process comes down to choices. The choices we make, the times when we felt like we didn't have a choice, our thoughts relating to those choices, etc. and it makes me wonder, how many people are happy with every single choice they've made?
Kathryn and I are in many ways polar opposites but sometimes we're too much alike. She's taught me so much and I hope some of my wisdom and advice has gotten through to her, too. We always joke that if we were one brain, she would be the id and I would be the super-ego. Like I mentioned earlier, she's completely different than anyone I've ever known and she's nothing like my past "best" friends. In my 25 years, I'll admit I've had a few "BFFs" and I still have my share of "best friends". I don't want people to think just because I talk about one in particular that she is my BEST friend. I have a great group of friends who mean the world to me. Though, I will admit, that I feel a special connection to Kathryn and I think it's because she's taught me that I'm okay the way I am. I realized something yesterday as my brain was decompressing from the anxiety it had been feeling and that is: Friends will come and go, but you will remain the same. For years when a friend would "screw me over" or a friendship would just end for whatever reason, I would wonder what was wrong with me. I felt ashamed that I couldn't keep these friendships going and I would talk to my parents or my sister and ask them why they thought the friendship had ended and they always had their opinion. Most of the time, it was because I was too hard on my friends. My family said that I ask too much from my friends. I didn't just let them be themselves, they said. But Kathryn has taught me that friendship is a two way street and if I wasn't allowing my friends to be the way they were, then they weren't allowing me to be the way I was either. I have never felt that way with Kathryn. She has taught me what it means to be a true friend. So, this post is for my best friend, Kathryn. After the hell you put me through for 18 hours, I just want to say that I love you. I miss you. and Thanks. I hope to see you soon. Love you!
Friday, February 18, 2011
The Beginning
Well, here goes nothing. I recently wrote in my journal that I was going to start a blog. So, this is my blog. Also, the title of my blog is "Autobiography of an Unknown", which is going to be my book title - so I now have intellectual property rights on that title, right? I hope so. I like it. I guess I didn't really start this blog today for any specific reason other than the fact that today has been about taking chances and making opportunities for myself. For example, today I not only signed up for an online dating site, I also rented a violin. For those of you who don't know, or don't remember, I played violin for about a year in second grade. I have not played since; but, I recently attended a David Garrett concert and that has once again spawned my interest. I just hope I don't as much as I think I do.
Anyway, another reason why I decided to start my blog is that I'm hoping it'll become a weird inspiration to keep working on my book. In the last year I have literally written a page... though, I've thought about it... a lot. There are so many things I want to put in my book but for some reason or another I haven't put them into writing yet. I hope this blog will change that. However, I am realizing that writing a blog is a lot easier than writing a book. My book, which is going to be an autobiography, goes deeper into my life. This blog is all about what I'm thinking here and now. Like, right now I'm thinking about turtles. So, perhaps I'll write about turtles. Why am I thinking about turtles? Well, because I just watched "The Last Song" today and there were cute baby turtles in the movie.
That movie sort of bothered me though. In the end it's all about love and the mistakes people make, but I didn't like how it all came together. Plus, the love story felt really false... but perhaps that's because I've become cynical and jaded when it comes to romance... perhaps joining an online dating site wasn't my best idea....
Whatever. Moving on. Okay, now I hear the Jeopardy music in my head because I don't know what to talk about... I'm over-thinking about my blog... imagine that. Maybe I should tell a funny story. Whenever my best friend, Kathryn, writes a mass e-mail she always tells a funny story to lighten the mood. (She has to write mass e-mails cause she lives in New Zealand and most of her friends and family are Stateside - or in Canada.) So yeah... funny story... hmm... okay, I've got nothing....
When I first thought about starting my blog, I figured it would just be an online journal that people could read, so I figured I would just re-type my entries from the journal I started this year and let that be that. But now that I have started my blog, I don't really feel like informing you all about the beginning of my year and my reflections of last year (which was basically what my journal has been about up until now - I literally went over my 2010 Intentions List and reflected on them one by one). This should be a new start, I'm not going to think about the past - if you want that part of me, you'll have to read my book, I guess.
Okay - so, let's look to the future. As of right now, February 18, 2011 at 10:30 p.m. CST, I currently do not have any intentions on my 2011 Intentions List other than to start a blog and work on writing my book. With that being said, I have started my blog and I'm now going to go work on my book.
So. This is me. This is who I am. I'm controlled and unorganized with my thoughts but because of that I'm never bored. I hope if you have read this or decide to read my blog you enjoy it for what it is. It's just me... and sometimes my cats. (Yes, I'm that girl.)
Anyway, another reason why I decided to start my blog is that I'm hoping it'll become a weird inspiration to keep working on my book. In the last year I have literally written a page... though, I've thought about it... a lot. There are so many things I want to put in my book but for some reason or another I haven't put them into writing yet. I hope this blog will change that. However, I am realizing that writing a blog is a lot easier than writing a book. My book, which is going to be an autobiography, goes deeper into my life. This blog is all about what I'm thinking here and now. Like, right now I'm thinking about turtles. So, perhaps I'll write about turtles. Why am I thinking about turtles? Well, because I just watched "The Last Song" today and there were cute baby turtles in the movie.
That movie sort of bothered me though. In the end it's all about love and the mistakes people make, but I didn't like how it all came together. Plus, the love story felt really false... but perhaps that's because I've become cynical and jaded when it comes to romance... perhaps joining an online dating site wasn't my best idea....
Whatever. Moving on. Okay, now I hear the Jeopardy music in my head because I don't know what to talk about... I'm over-thinking about my blog... imagine that. Maybe I should tell a funny story. Whenever my best friend, Kathryn, writes a mass e-mail she always tells a funny story to lighten the mood. (She has to write mass e-mails cause she lives in New Zealand and most of her friends and family are Stateside - or in Canada.) So yeah... funny story... hmm... okay, I've got nothing....
When I first thought about starting my blog, I figured it would just be an online journal that people could read, so I figured I would just re-type my entries from the journal I started this year and let that be that. But now that I have started my blog, I don't really feel like informing you all about the beginning of my year and my reflections of last year (which was basically what my journal has been about up until now - I literally went over my 2010 Intentions List and reflected on them one by one). This should be a new start, I'm not going to think about the past - if you want that part of me, you'll have to read my book, I guess.
Okay - so, let's look to the future. As of right now, February 18, 2011 at 10:30 p.m. CST, I currently do not have any intentions on my 2011 Intentions List other than to start a blog and work on writing my book. With that being said, I have started my blog and I'm now going to go work on my book.
So. This is me. This is who I am. I'm controlled and unorganized with my thoughts but because of that I'm never bored. I hope if you have read this or decide to read my blog you enjoy it for what it is. It's just me... and sometimes my cats. (Yes, I'm that girl.)
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