Rock Bottom

    So, I'm sure everyone at one point in time has felt like they hit "rock bottom" - and some of you have probably felt like Rachel on "FRIENDS". ("Yesterday I thought I hit rock bottom; but, now it's rock bottom, fifty feet of crap, and then me.") Life is funny like that. It can kick us when we're down, bring us back to reality when we're up, and sometimes Life can make us feel like it has won and we have lost. I'm sure "rock bottom" looks different to everyone - and, admittedly, I have had many times where I thought I hit my "rock bottom". However, I can feel confident in saying that Tuesday, July 5th, 2016. I truly saw me at my worst. I watched me hit my "rock bottom".
    I say "I saw" and "I watched" because that day truly felt like an out of body experience; but, perhaps I'm getting ahead of myself. The 4th of July was awesome. The night before I had driven down to my sister's house after work - and then spent the day out on the patio: eating, drinking, and being merry with my family. We even had s'mores and "Grandma Vi Dessert" (which is Violet Liqueur and Prosecco, lovingly named for our Grandma). Then, after the fireworks that night I drove back to the Cities. Now, I'm not going to lie, I always have a hard time leaving my family to come back to the Cities. I'm quite close to my family. I always have been and I hope I always will be. So, it's hard to not be physically close to them.
    I've also been watching Glee of Netflix. I'm not necessarily proud of that, but I remember a lot of my friends really enjoyed it when it was on TV. Being that I'm a little media obsessed, (movies, music, celebs, etc.) I was aware that Cory Monteith passed away during the filming of the show and before going to my sister's for the 4th, I knew I was getting close to the episode they filmed for him. So, perhaps the two things together - missing my family and thinking about the loss these actors and characters on the show would be facing soon - probably put me in a bit of a weakened place.
    On the 5th, I guess one could say I woke up on the wrong side of the bed. Yes, I had gotten plenty of sleep, (which has been sort of rare lately - so maybe I can somewhat blame lack of sleep) I had a great drive home the night before, I felt ready for the day... yet, something wasn't right. By the time I got to work, I almost felt like I was watching myself more than actually living it. As work progressed, I became more frustrated. Frustrated with work and my colleagues; frustrated with friends and even my family; but, mostly, frustrated with myself. Around 5:30 p.m., I remember being so upset I went into our backroom and tried texting a couple of friends. The weird part, however, was that I felt almost as if I was watching it. I didn't feel like myself. I felt as if I was watching someone else living this life. It was such a weird mixture of feelings. As I watched, I felt angry that this girl wasn't connecting with the friends she so desperately needed; I felt annoyed watching this girl be so irritated with her work but not doing anything about it; I felt frustrated that I knew it was me but yet somehow couldn't make the connection; but, more than anything, I felt sorry. I felt sorry that all of this was happening and just wanted to end this girl's sad, pathetic existence.
    Yes, for the first time in a long time, I actually thought of ending it. Just, ending it all. As I watched from this other perspective, I watched someone who wasn't strong enough to deal with the situations that she faced. This girl that I was watching kept pushing people away, kept settling with the idea that life had to be like this, and had no motivation to better her self or her world. I remembered coming home from work and being unable to choke down the food I bought for myself, I decided to take a bath. I sat in the bath for over an hour - just feeling absolutely numb. I didn't even feel like I was living. I was barely existing. Then, a thought from one of my favorite TV shows popped into my head, "I'm not here."
    That line was said by a character named Jimmy Edwards on an episode of One Tree Hill. That line was said right before Jimmy Edwards turns a gun to his chest, pulls the trigger, and kills himself. As that thought went through my head, I jumped out of the tub and reached out to a friend that I knew would be awake. Even though he was someone I had been pushing away earlier in the day, I somehow knew he would be there for me; and, he was. He's one of those people who always says exactly what you need to hear. Perhaps that type of friend doesn't make the most solid foundation, but it was exactly what I needed that night. The next morning I woke up determined and ready to face the world as me; but, I realized as I watched myself the day earlier that I didn't know who I was. I didn't have an identity or any adjectives to define myself. So, my first order of business was to define myself...

    Well, it's been a few days and though I've been determined to not hit my "rock bottom" again... I have come to realize that choosing an identity isn't that easy. As ridiculous as it may seem, even at 30, I'm realizing that I get 100% control on defining who I am. I may not get to choose how you see me, but I get to choose how I see myself. So, who am I? I don't know. The only thing I know right now - I'm a work in progress. I am a beautiful work in progress. I'm not perfect, but then again, I'm not aiming for perfection. There are things I know that I am: I'm funny. I'm smart. I'm creative. I'm talented. I'm loved. I'm insecure. I'm vulnerable. I'm an outgoing introvert. But, mostly, after this week - I know that I am strong. I am strong enough to face whatever may come my way. I am strong enough to hit "rock bottom" and to claw my way back up that long, steep hill. I am that strong. So, I may not know who I am, but I do know that I have plenty of time to figure it out.