Well, either I'm schizophrenic or I'm growing up. I definitely hope (and would like to believe) it's the latter. Today I was writing in my journal after having another hard week and had some realizations. I then decided I would like to blog about it in case anyone else has felt this way before - and just happened to read the last paragraph on my last blog post. Man, so much can change in a couple of weeks (hence why I do sometimes wonder the schizophrenia thing...) I'm not naive enough to believe that everything has suddenly changed and it'll be all rainbows and butterflies from here on out, but I do think I did have a small breakthrough on a few things. And, as I think more thoroughly about it, I realize those things are all interconnected - so perhaps it was a big breakthrough on a big thing.
In my last post, I was down because of a guy. I had once again put myself in a place where I wasn't happy and was blaming someone else for it - or at least my actions towards someone else. (I like to think at 30 I finally know that no one is in control of my happiness except for me.) I had pushed him away because... well, honestly I don't know why. Perhaps I made reasons in my last post, but "reasons" could easily be replaced by "excuses". Honestly, I pushed him away because of many reasons; I was scared, I was hurt, I was scared of being more hurt, I didn't know how to handle to situation, etc. and so forth. I'd like to say that this post comes because I swallowed my pride and he forgave me and everything worked out and so I'm in a good place now; but, that's not reality. Actually, I'm glad I can't say that - because it goes back to the fairy tales. Life isn't a fairy tale. Fairy tales teach us lessons, which is great; but, they also give a false idea of how the lesson is taught. (That's how I see it anyway.) This story, my story, definitely isn't the fairy tale - but ultimately the lessons are there.
"Nathan" and I did start talking again after my last post. I went all girl on him and did the whole: "please forgive me. I'm sorry I'm crazy..." and, surprisingly, he forgave me. Or, at least, he seemed to forgive me. We even hung out when he came to town earlier this week... and then, in true Ashley fashion, I freaked out. Again. I had finally hit rock bottom with everything. Not just with this guy, with everything. (This may come as a surprise cause, quite frankly, I've been through a lot harder stuff than the current stuff - but, truly, it felt like rock bottom.) I decided to give social media a little bit of a break - and since I don't really do anything on Instagram or Twitter, that basically meant I deactivated my Facebook account and logged out of Snapchat. Admittedly, I logged back into Snapchat the next day - but I've been off of Facebook now about three days and it has made a huge difference. However, between "Nathan" not talking to me again and no more Facebook, I had time to truly reflect on this rock bottom place for me - and this is when the light bulb turned on.
I've always been one of those girls who sit there and say, "I'm so glad I don't need a guy to define me." or "I'm so glad I've never needed a man to make me feel wanted." but then I met "Nathan" and I screwed up with him. A lot. And we've fought and stopped talking and started talking again and stopped talking again numerous times. And during those off times I'd go to my girl friends and whine and complain and pout and ask what I did wrong hoping they'd make me feel better. Sometimes they did. Sometimes they didn't. Anyway, I remember one time during the Nathan-and-I-aren't-talking-anymore periods I was talking to one of my friends and she said, "No offense, but maybe you were always like that because you never had a guy." which, at the time, pissed me off because it really hurt... and, honestly, because I knew she had a point. It was true. I had never had a guy who had made me feel wanted and I had never dated someone where I felt defined by that relationship so I could say things like that because I never had the opportunity to experience the flip side. So, this past week, being in one of those not-talking-anymore periods again, I started thinking about that again.
Now, this may be obvious to everyone else around me, but I'm finally able to put it into a way I can understand. I don't think it's necessarily that I don't like myself, but I think I've always judged my relationships (and when I say "relationships", I mean with everyone - family, friends, guys, etc.) on whether or not I was/am worthy of it. I always wanted to feel like I was worth the love and admiration/attention I was receiving. So, after a few bad friendships and the usual hardships with family, I think eventually I started to feel like I'm not worthy. Suddenly I felt as if I was not worth friendships or otherwise. I have even told a couple of my friends how I sometimes wish that more of my friends would be more "picky". I have felt like my friendship with someone isn't as important or special because they have so many other friends - and I have felt that with close friends and even some of my best friends. I now realize that the confidence I felt within those friendships was my only confidence - when the relationships in my life are shaky, so am I. I am fully defined by the relationships I have in my life and the older I get, the harder it is for those tight-knit friendships to stay so solid. Not that they're not as strong, but it's harder to see/talk to each other as often because life gets in the way. It's also not lost on me that the older I get, the more pressure I put on the idea of romantic relationships. Why am I not good enough for someone to like me much less love me? What's wrong with me? (I realize now I've stuck myself into a chicken/egg situation... at least I see it now.)
So, with "Nathan" it suddenly all makes sense. I had this attractive, educated, funny, athletic, popular guy start talking to me out of the blue and I suddenly thought maybe there was something in me that made me special. He would tell me things like he enjoyed talking to me, or that I was pretty, or that I mattered... and suddenly I believed that maybe I did have something to offer to the world - or, at least, something to offer to the people in the world... but eventually, I wanted more. I needed more. I needed that constant admiration (for lack of a better word) to keep feeling that sense of worth. Now, maybe I was acting so needy that I pushed him away or maybe he just realized he couldn't see himself with me or perhaps with was all just logistics and the long-distance thing, but eventually he stopped saying the things I needed to hear to feel worthy of his friendship. So, once again, I convinced myself that I'm not - and, in doing so, I probably convinced him, too. Of course, this has nothing to do with him and, like I said, life isn't a fairy tale - but at least the lesson is learned. The only thing that scares me now is how to break the cycle. It may be too late with "Nathan" to salvage a decent friendship. Of course, I hope that's not the case, but if it is I need to be able to learn from the experience.
So here - an open letter to those who have been in my life and stuck around:
Dear Friend,
First off, I apologize for the times I may have driven you crazy or been too self-centered or used you in any way. I want you to know that I have never intentionally wanted to hurt you or had any malicious intent behind my actions. If I have hurt you, please know how sorry I am. I realize now what it means to be a "Work In Progress" and I feel quite certain that that is the meaning of life. So, second, thank you for allowing me to be who I am. I hope I have never given you a reason to doubt who you are. I'm sorry if I never told you how amazing you are (because you are), but if I did, know that I truly believe it. I feel blessed to have you in my life and I'm here for you if you need anything. Thank you for helping me feel a sense of worth.
No comments:
Post a Comment