The Return

    Wow. Looking at my blog "Overview" it's been almost two years since my last post. I'd love to be able to say that I've returned because I realized I have something to offer to you and the world and had to share; but, alas, I find myself in a very dark place today and needed an outlet. That also means I won't be giving you a full update on me and what I've been up to the last two years; unless it directly relates to said dark place, which, I suppose, a lot of it does.
    The great thing about social media (Facebook, Instagram, Snapchat, etc.)  is that it allows a person to express his or her self. It is also a great way to keep up with friends and family that one may not see very often in "real life". The downside? Well, don't get me started. There's always the double-edged sword; and considering where the world is today (especially the U.S.) it seems that social media is now more about *blank*-shaming (please, fill in the blank however you see fit: fat, thin, slut, dumb, cat, dog, etc.), updating everyone on your fitness goals (GAINS), making your political views known (normally in a hateful and ignorant way - regardless of what side you're on... again, refer back to the *blank*-shaming comment), trying to make others jealous of your life, or, for some of us, it's a place where we cry out for help hoping our "friends" will respond with the right words or in the right way. I really don't want to be that person... but, I'm starting to feel like I need to be. So, instead, I've decided to write about it and people can decide to read or not.
    As I said earlier, I'm not going to spend this post updating you on the last two years of my life. However, the last year - and especially the last six months - have been pretty tough. I don't like to really say that because I feel like it's me trying to make excuses, but looking back on it, it has been tough. Last year (2015) in February, I started getting sick. It first started with the normal cold/flu and then progressed into issues of vomiting, nausea and eventually moved on to weakness, fatigue, and ridiculous joint pain. Suddenly it was like I was a teen again - spending most of the year trying to figure out what was causing all of these issues just to be told that I was overweight and it was all somatic. (For those of you not in a medical profession - it basically equals being fat and crazy.) That was pretty tough to handle. It's hard to be physically ill and then have everyone tell you it's all in your head. (If this hasn't specifically happened to you, trust me. It sucks.)
    Then, later last year (around October) I started having some issues with the relationships in my life. Friends, and even family, were starting to make me question what I wanted out of my relationships; and made me wonder whether history or the same last name gave people the right to treat me in certain ways. During that time, as I was still dealing with the physical issues as well, I hoped and, reluctantly, even prayed that I would meet someone to help me through such a hard year... and through a very weird turn of events, I did. No, it's not some fairy tale romance where Prince Charming came and swept me off of my feet; but, he was a bright spot in the dark days I was going through. Though he never really said it, I think he was going through a somewhat hard and transitional time when we started talking. So, it was nice. It quickly became routine for us to talk every day and I quickly became attached. Perhaps it was the hoping and praying, but I put a lot of stock into the idea of this guy.
    The new year brought along new problems. I turned 30 mid-January and I can't even lie - I totally had a pre-birthday crisis. The idea of beginning a new decade in my life had me looking back to the last 10 years and I didn't really like what I saw. I was, and am, pretty much still in the exact same place I was when I was 20. I still live in an apartment, it's just now I go to work instead of school. I still haven't had a relationship and haven't really dated. At all. And I still have a lot of issues with friends. Making friends, yes; but, for me, it's even harder keeping friends. I just feel very emotionally immature for my age. I think a lot of us believe that our 20s are the time to figure out what we want to do and who we want to be; but, by the time we're 30, we should be settled down. Suddenly it's time for us to adult. Now, through life experience I know that's not true for a lot of people. Still, it was hard for me to feel like I had failed at that goal. Suddenly 30 was upon me and I still felt as lost as ever.
    Now, if you can't tell, and for some reason you're reading this but don't actually know me, you've probably noticed a couple of things. First, I am a huge over-user of commas. Sorry, I type like I talk and for me commas go where I would pause. Second, the relationships in my life are my number one priority. One of my friends said the other day that I'm not happy unless the people around me are happy, which is somewhat accurate. I enjoy being someone people feel like they can go to and I'm ridiculously loyal to the people in my life. That, however, causes some issues with feeling used from time to time (see paragraph above issue of having friends and even family sometimes treat me worse than I would want...). Also, as I mentioned above, because of health issues and just having other priorities I don't have a lot of experience with dating or romantic relationships. This brings us back to the fore-mentioned guy. (Let's refer to him as Nathan from here on out... and that's purely because I've been re-watching One Tree Hill lately.)
   So, through this pre-birthday crisis, Nathan and I had been talking. A lot. But, by this time, we had already agreed that dating/a relationship was not in our future. Basically he was long distance and was also hell-bent against long distance relationships. And I get it... or at least I keep saying that I get it. We would only get to see each other maybe once a month or once every two months and it would only be for a few hours. It would suck trying to have a relationship over the phone; however, on the same hand, we sort of (in my mind, anyway) acted like we were together. We conversed every day - from the "Good morning" texts to the "Goodnight" ones. Yeah, admittedly I was pretty smitten; but, he got out of his hard time transitional period a lot faster than I did and then there was a change. For me, it felt sudden. Suddenly he was hanging out with friends and didn't have time to talk. He started to get annoyed at me and, one could say, the honeymoon stage was over... now, in the last few weeks or so, it's just gotten bad with him.
    This change hasn't been as sudden. Of course, after the honeymoon stage is over and it's agreed that there wouldn't be a relationship, things just fall into the high school crush place. Then, when I get into the high school crush place, it's just a matter of time before things implode. Most of the reason why I wanted to write today was because I ended things today and I've been really feeling bad about it... but now that I get to the things I wanted to say, I suddenly don't know how to say it. Some of you, if there is still a "you" reading this, may know of whom I'm talking about and if you do, just know it's nothing he did. He's still a really great guy. But, that's a lot of the problem, isn't it? "Nathan" is the popular, attractive, ambitious, educated jock. He's also very kind and wants to be there for the people in his life. It's just, recently, I finally realized that I felt like I needed him to be there for me and I hadn't earned that place in his life yet.
    I tend to have this issue with feeling like things should be black and white. I don't really like grey areas. Actually, I hate grey areas. I like to have things labeled and I like to know where things are going. I mean, it's even like, if I'm going to watch a movie - it better have an ending. If it doesn't, I better know there's going to be a trilogy or whatever. I tend to research shows I'm watching on Netflix to see if they had actual endings or if it just got canceled and left the viewers hanging. If it did, I tend to not watch. Everything in my life is black or white, right or wrong, ends well or doesn't. This could be why I don't really date. I hate that ambiguous feeling. There was a lot of ambiguous feelings with Nathan. So, I finally had to end it. Black. Labeled. Done.
    Now, I sit with the aftermath. The regret. The "what-ifs". The things left unsaid; but, girls like me don't end up with guys like him. I've said that to a couple of my friends today and, of course, they yell at me and tell me I need to have better self-esteem and I can't feel that way about myself; but, when do we finally get to an age where we have to accept reality? Why do we teach ourselves to believe in the fairy tales? Isn't it just false hope? Where is the line between reality and negativity? I feel like that line gets more and more blurred with where society is these days. Am I just too jaded or am I just too real? Perhaps a bit a both. Let's face it, I've always been a bit cynical. But, what do my actions today tell me? Probably that I'll constantly ruin things for myself because I'd rather end things and cause the hurt than to wait for it just to happen. Still, I think all I've ever really wanted was to feel like matter to someone. I just want to know that there's someone out there who thinks of me when he/she wakes up. I want that feeling that I can go to that person no matter what the issue and he/she will want to help me. Always. I'm sick of giving people priority in my life and not having that reciprocated - so is it so bad to push them away? Probably; because then I'm just going to end up alone. I know what people will say to me if they read this - that's why I didn't put this on my social media. Ultimately, I don't want answers to the questions. I don't want the little motivating and uplifting sayings. I don't want the lies that people are there for me. I just want what I want.